Part 15 (1/2)

We went inside to find a cl.u.s.ter of campaign workers folding letters. Envelopes stuck to their forearms on account of the lack of air-conditioning. In what looked like a stationery cupboard, we found Felix Winks on the phone. He wore a big NO WHALING badge, which made his lapel sag.

He finished his call, stood up and smiled at us. 'Great to see you, Maddy.'

'Hi,' said Maddy, as if she was auditioning for a p.o.r.no.

'Roo.' I shook his hand.

'I'd offer you both a seat but I've only got two,' he said. 'Let's go out for coffee.'

He led us down the street to a quaint little coffee shop where everyone knew his name. 'What can I get you?' he asked.

Maddy froze.

'I'd like a latte,' I said. 'And you, Maddy?'

'Same,' she swooned. 'But make it skinny. I only drink skinny.'

Save that poor girl from herself, Ruby.

'So,' Felix said, 'how do you want to do this?'

Maddy reddened. I stepped in. 'Max and Sh.e.l.ly will be here at half four, leaving us enough time for a quick half-hour walk-through.'

Maddy's hand trembled so much she struggled to pick up her teaspoon. I thought I had better continue. 'I understand you've been talking to Maddy about a shopping-centre walk.'

'Yes,' he said. 'The local Westfield works well for me because it's a Friday so we'll get the after-school mums and kids.' His brick of a phone started to vibrate violently on the table. 'This will be centre management-I'd better take it.' He took the call outside.

I turned to Maddy and whispered, 'I have no idea what I'm doing. You need to take over.'

She tore open a packet of sugar and emptied it everywhere but in her coffee. 'I'm cool,' she said, 'just a little jumpy-too much caffeine.'

Felix returned. 'We can go for a run-through now if we like. Does that work for you?'

'Yes,' said Maddy, 'we can come together-go together.'

We piled into the car and hit the road, stopping a hundred yards away at a set of lights near a busy intersection. Outside, in the scorching heat, a man was smoothing an adhesive sign onto a billboard. It was a colossal photograph of the LOO.

'What does it say?' Felix squinted in the sunlight.

'MAX MASTERS : STEADY HANDS , READY TO GOVERN .' I scanned the photograph. The silvery tie was perfect with his skin tone. His smile was friendly, his eyes serious. 'Oh no.' I groaned.

'What?' They both turned to me.

I pointed to the adjacent billboard.

EXPERIENCING ERECTILE PROBLEMS? TRY READY,.

STEADY, GO! CALL 1300 GET IT UP.

'That's just great,' said Felix. 'On the same street as my b.l.o.o.d.y campaign office.'

I took a photograph of the billboards and emailed it to Luke.

Hi Luke. Postcard from Adelaide. Regrettable slogan coincidence. R Maddy found a parking s.p.a.ce at the shopping centre and we were inside the blissfully cool air-conditioned building when my phone rang. It was Luke.

'Tell me you're kidding.' His voice was low.

'Sorry, Luke, photos don't lie.'

'There's not much we can do about it now, I guess. How big is it?'

'Long and stiff as a board.'

'Shhhh,' he said, 'don't make me laugh-Max is doing live radio. See you in Adelaide.'

I turned to Felix, who was busy chatting with Russell from centre management. Maddy stood behind Felix, shamelessly scoping out his a.r.s.e.

We were shown the entrance Max and Sh.e.l.ly would use and walked past a number of shops, including a green grocer, bakery, butcher, shoe repair, cafe and pet shop.

'All of these tenants are happy to have Mr and Mrs Masters in their shops,' Russell said, 'except the pet shop owner, because she's worried the flashes will spook the kittens.'

'Thanks for your time, Russell.' Felix shook his hand.

'No worries, Felix,' said Russell. 'My wife and I'll be voting for you. Will your girlfriend be joining us this afternoon?'

'Girlfriend?' hissed Maddy.

'Nonie's at work,' said Felix, 'but she'll come if she can-she's dying to meet Max and Sh.e.l.ly.'

'Terrific,' I said, to distract him from the sound of Maddy's heart shattering into a billion pieces.

Maddy excused herself. I took the opportunity to check my BlackBerry. I had about eighty unread emails, which seemed impossible because I didn't know that many people in this country let alone people with my four-day-old email address. There was one from Luke.

R.

Please find a way to get the media bus to the shopping centre without pa.s.sing the newly erected billboard.

Couldn't resist.

L.

PS Let's chat about your role at some point. Keep up the good work.

I went to find Maddy in the loos.

'Where are you?' My voice echoed through the stalls. 'Anyway, what kind of a name is Nonie?'

I heard a giggle. 'A dumb one,' Maddy said, opening the door. 'He's just so s.p.u.n.ky.'

'That means something entirely different where I come from,' I said. 'There are better candidates for you, I'm sure of it.'