Part 92 (2/2)

MDCLXVIII.--RIGID IMPARTIALITY.

SYDNEY SMITH, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the _Edinburgh Review_, found him reading a book preparatory to writing an account of it, and expostulated with him. ”Why, how do you manage?”

asked his friend. ”I never,” said the wit, ”read a book _before_ reviewing it; _it prejudices one so_.”

MDCLXIX.--WHITBREAD'S ENTIRE.

ON the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was returned, Mr. Denis...o...b..ien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that ”there were thousands in Westminster who would sooner vote for the Duke of Northumberland's porter, than give their support to a man of talent and probity, like Mr. Sheridan.” Mr. Whitbread, alarmed for the interests of Mr. S. by the intemperate language of his agent, wished him to take some public notice of it in the way of censure; but Sheridan only observed, ”that to be sure his friend O'Brien was wrong and intemperate, as far as related to the Duke of Northumberland's porter; though he had no doubt there were thousands in Westminster who would give the preference to Mr. Whitbread's _entire_.”

MDCLXX.--A FOOL AND HIS MONEY.

A YOUNG spendthrift being apprised that he had given a s.h.i.+lling when sixpence would have been enough, remarked that ”He knew no difference between a _s.h.i.+lling_ and _sixpence_.”--”But you will, young gentleman,”

an old economist replied, ”when you come to be _worth eighteen-pence_.”

MDCLXXI.--A GRIM JOKE.

DANIEL DEFOE said there was only this difference between the fates of Charles the First and his son James the Second,--that the former's was a _wet_ martyrdom, and the other's a _dry one_.

MDCLXXII.--INSURANCE a.s.sURANCE.

THE collector in a country church, where a brief was read for a sufferer from fire, flattered himself that he had been unusually successful in the collection, as he fancied he saw an agent to one of the fire-offices put a note into the box. On examining the contents, however, he found that the note had not issued from any bank, but merely bore these admonitory words, ”Let them _insure_, as they wish to be saved.”

MDCLXXIII.--GENUINE LAZINESS.

A YOUNG farmer, inspecting his father's concerns in the time of hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have been at work. ”What is this?” cried the youth; ”why, me, you are so indolent, that I would give a crown to know which is the most lazy of you.”--”I am he,” cried the one nearest to him, still stretching himself at his ease. ”Here then” said the youth, holding out the money. ”O, Master George,” said the fellow, folding his arms, ”do pray take the trouble of _putting it into my pocket_ for me.”

MDCLXXIV.--CUTTING.

A COUNTRY editor thinks that Richelieu, who declared that ”The pen was mightier than the sword,” ought to have spoken a good word for the ”scissors.” Jerrold called scissors ”an editor's steel-pen.”

MDCLXXV.--GONE OUT.

A PERSON calling one day on a gentleman at the west end of the town, where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the servant that her master had gone out. ”O, well, never mind, I'll speak to your mistress.”--”She's also gone out, sir.” The gentleman, not willing to be denied admission, said, as it was a cold day, he would step in, and sit down by the fire a few minutes. ”Ah! sir, but it is _gone out_ too,” replied the girl.

MDCLXXVI.--A GOOD JUDGE.

”HONESTY is the best policy,” said a Scotchman. ”I know it, my friend, for _I have tried baith_.”

<script>