Part 92 (1/2)

FOOTE, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh discord under his window, sent him out a s.h.i.+lling, with a request that he would play elsewhere, as _one sc.r.a.per at the door_ was sufficient.

MDCLVIII.--COMPARATIVE VIRTUE.

A SHOPKEEPER at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the _little rascal_. A stranger asked him why this appellation had been given to him. ”To distinguish me from the rest of my trade,” quoth he, ”who are all _great rascals_.”

MDCLIX.--GARTH AND ROWE.

DOCTOR GARTH, who used frequently to go to the Wit's Coffee House, the Cocoa-Tree, in St. James's Street, was sitting there one morning conversing with two persons of rank, when Rowe, the poet, who was seldom very attentive to his dress and appearance, but still insufferably vain of being noticed by persons of consequence, entered. Placing himself in a box nearly opposite to that in which the doctor sat, he looked constantly round with a view of catching his eye; but not succeeding, he desired the waiter to ask him for his snuff-box, which he knew to be a valuable one, set with diamonds, and the present of some foreign prince.

After taking a pinch, he returned the box, but asked for it again so repeatedly, that Garth, who knew him well, perceived the drift, and taking from his pocket a pencil, wrote on the lid the two Greek characters, [Greek: Ph R] (phi, rho) _Fie! Rowe!_ The poet was so mortified, that he quitted the room immediately.

MDCLX.--A SECRET DISCOVERED.

'T IS clear why Twister, wretched rat, Always abuses in his chatter: He's truly such a thorough flat, We can't expect to see him _flatter_.

MDCLXI.--INTERESTED INQUIRY.

AN attorney-general politely inquired after the health of a distinguished judge. ”Mr. Attorney,” was the reply, ”_I am in horrible good health at present_.”

MDCLXII.--A BEARABLE PUN.

AN illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at Harrogate, ”_Bear_ sold here.”--”He spells the word quite correctly,” said Theodore Hook, ”if he means to apprise us that the article is his own _Bruin_.”

MDCLXIII.--CITY GLUTTON.

THE celebrated John Wilkes attended a City dinner not long after his promotion to city honors. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar deputy, a great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, always with great deliberation took off his wig, suspended it on a pin, and with due solemnity put on a white cotton nightcap. Wilkes, who certainly was a high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar exhibitions, could not take his eyes from so strange and novel a picture. At length the deputy, with unblus.h.i.+ng familiarity, walked up to Wilkes, and asked him whether he did not think that his nightcap became him. ”O, yes, sir,” replied Wilkes, ”but it would look much better if it was pulled quite _over_ your face.”

MDCLXIV.--A PRETTY REPLY.

LORD MELBOURNE, inspecting the kitchen of the Reform Club, jocosely remarked to Alexis Soyer, _chef de cuisine_, that his female a.s.sistants were all very pretty. ”Yes, my lord,” replied Soyer; ”_plain_ cooks will not do here.”

MDCLXV.--A CONVENIENT THEORY.

AT charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a hint to that effect, he made the following speech: ”Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so does I. Charity's a private concern, and what I gives is _nothing to n.o.body_.”

MDCLXVI.--BUT ONE GOOD TRANSLATION.

DRYDEN'S translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, ”The original is indeed excellent; but everything suffers by a _translation_,--except a _bishop_!”

MDCLXVII.--PHILIP, EARL OF STANHOPE.

PHILIP, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House of Peers, by a doorkeeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord Stanhope was resolved to get into the House without explaining who he was; and the doorkeeper, equally determined on his part, said to him, ”Honest man, you have no business here. _Honest man_ you _can_ have no business _in this place_.”--”I believe,” rejoined his lords.h.i.+p, ”you are right; _honest men_ can have no business here.”