Part 82 (2/2)

MCDLXXVIII.--SMOOTHING IT DOWN.

A CLIENT remarked to his solicitor, ”You are writing my bill on very rough paper, sir.”--”Never mind,” was the reply of the latter, ”it has to be _filed_ before it comes into court.”

MCDLXXIX.--MAKING FREE WITH THE WAIST.

CURRAN, in cross-examining the chief witness of a plaintiff in an action for an a.s.sault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff had put his arm round the waist of Miss D----, which had provoked the defendant to strike him: ”Then, sir, I presume,” said Curran, ”he took that _waist_ for _common_?”

MCDLx.x.x.--A HOPELESS INVASION.

ADMIRAL BRIDPORT, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in 1798, dryly observed, ”They might come as they could; for his own part, he could only say that they should not _come by water_.”

MCDLx.x.xI.--DROLL TO ORDER.

ONE evening, a lady said to a small wit, ”Come, Mr. ----, tell us a lively anecdote,” and the poor fellow was mute during the remainder of the evening. ”Favor me with your company on Wednesday evening, you are such a lion,” said a weak party-giver to a young author. ”I thank you,”

replied the wit; ”but on that evening I am engaged _to eat fire_ at the Countess of ----, and _stand upon my head_ at Mrs. ----.”

MCDLx.x.xII.--MEN OF WEIGHT.

IF fat men ride, they tire the horse, And if they walk themselves--that's worse: Travel at all, they are at best, Either oppressors or opprest.

MCDLx.x.xIII.--CHEMICAL ODDITY.

WHILE an ignorant lecturer was describing the nature of gas, a blue-stocking lady inquired of a gentleman near her, what was the difference between oxygin and hydrogin? ”Very little, madam,” said he; ”by oxygin we mean pure _gin_; and by hydrogin, _gin and water_.”

MCDLx.x.xIV.--AN APISH RESEMBLANCE.

CHARLES LAMB used to say, that he had a great dislike to monkeys, on the principle that ”it was not pleasant to look upon one's _poor relations_.”

MCDLx.x.xV.--HE WHO SUNG ”THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME.”

LORD MACAULAY, pa.s.sing one day through the Seven Dials, bought a handful of ballads from some street-folks who were bawling out their contents to a gaping audience. Proceeding on his way home, he was astonished to find himself followed by half a score of urchins, their faces beaming with expectation. ”Now then, my lads, what is it?” said he. ”O, that's a good 'un,” replied one of the boys, ”after we've come all this way.”--”But what are you waiting for?” said the historian, astonished at the lad's familiarity. ”Waiting for! why ain't you going to _sing, guv'ner_?”

MCDLx.x.xVI.--DEATH-BED FORGIVENESS.

A VETERAN Highlander, between whose family and that of a neighboring chieftain had existed a long hereditary feud, being on his death-bed, was reminded that this was the time to forgive all his enemies, even he who had most injured him. ”Well, be it so,” said the old Gael, after a short pause, ”be it so; go tell Kinmare I forgive him,--but my curses rest upon my son _if ever he does_.”

MCDLx.x.xVII.--A REASONABLE PREFERENCE.

WHETHER tall men or short men are best, Or bold men, or modest and shy men, I can't say, but this I protest, All the fair are in favor of _Hy-men_.

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