Part 82 (1/2)

MCDLXIX.--ABSURDLY LOGICAL.

A MAD Quaker (wrote Sydney Smith) belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of _greater_ importance than any other _mad person_ of the same degree in life.

MCDLXX.--PROOF POSITIVE.

A CHEMIST a.s.serted that all bitter things were hot. ”No,” said a gentleman present, ”there is a _bitter_ cold day.”

MCDLXXI.--PLAYER, OR LORD.

ONE day, at a party in Bath, Quin said something which caused a general murmur of delighted merriment. A n.o.bleman present, who was not distinguished for the brilliancy of his ideas, exclaimed: ”What a pity 'tis, Quin, my boy, that a clever fellow like you should _be a player_!”

Quin, fixing and flas.h.i.+ng his eyes upon the speaker, replied: ”Why! what would your lords.h.i.+p have me be?--a lord?”

MCDLXXII.--IN MEMORIAM.

SOYER is gone! Then be it said, At last, indeed, great PAN is dead.

MCDLXXIII.--PRIME'S PRESERVATIVE.

SERGEANT PRIME had a remarkably long nose, and being one day out riding, was flung from his horse, and fell upon his face in the middle of the road. A countryman, who saw the occurrence, ran hastily up, raised the sergeant from the mire, and asked him if he was much hurt. The sergeant replied in the negative. ”I zee, zur,” said the rustic, grinning, ”yer _ploughshare_ saved ye!”

MCDLXXIV.--A SHARP BRUSH.

SHERIDAN was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager, desirous of showing him some civility, took him all over the theatre, and, exhibited its beauties. ”There, Mr. Sheridan,” said Fox, who combined twenty occupations, without being clever in any, ”I built and painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes.”--”Did you?”

said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; ”well, I should not, I am sure, have known you were a Fox by your _brush_.”

MCDLXXV.--NOT SO ”DAFT” AS REPUTED.

THERE was a certain ”Daft Will,” who was a privileged haunter of Eglington Castle and grounds. He was discovered by the n.o.ble owner one day taking a near cut, and crossing a fence in the demesne. The earl called out, ”Come back, sir, that's not the road.”--”Do ye ken,” said Will, ”whaur I'm gaun?”--”No,” replied his lords.h.i.+p. ”Weel, hoo the deil do ye ken _whether this be the road or no_?”

MCDLXXVI.--PICKING POCKETS.

”THESE beer-shops,” quoth Barnabas, speaking in alt, ”Are ruinous,--down with the growers of malt!”

”Too true,” answers Ben, with a shake of the head, ”Wherever they congregate, honesty's dead.

That beer breeds dishonesty causes no wonder, 'Tis nurtured in crime,--'tis concocted in plunder; In Kent while surrounded by flouris.h.i.+ng crops, I saw a rogue _picking a pocket_ of hops.”

MCDLXXVII.--HUSBANDING HIS RESOURCES.

A WAG, reading in one of Brigham Young's manifestoes, ”that the great resources of Utah are her women,” exclaimed, ”It is very evident that the prophet is disposed to _husband his resources_.”