Part 83 (1/2)
MCDLx.x.xVIII.--A DEAR BARGAIN.
QUIN was one day lamenting that he grew old, when a shallow impertinent young fellow said to him, ”What would you give to be as young as I am?”--”By the powers,” replied Quin, ”I would even submit to be _almost as foolish_!”
MCDLx.x.xIX.--SUGGESTIVE REPUDIATION.
LORD BYRON was once asked by a friend in the green-room of the Drury Lane Theatre, whether he did not think Miss Kelly's acting in the ”_Maid and the Magpie_” exceedingly natural. ”I really am no _judge_,” answered his lords.h.i.+p, ”I was never _innocent_ of stealing a spoon.”
MCDXC.--NO INTRUSION.
A LOQUACIOUS author, after babbling some time about his piece to Sheridan, said, ”Sir, I fear I have been intruding on your attention.”--”Not at all, I a.s.sure you,” replied he, ”I was thinking of _something else_.”
MCDXCI.--EXPERIMENTUM CRUCIS.
A MERCHANT being asked to define the meaning of _experimental_ and _natural_ philosophy, said he considered the _first_ to be asking a man to discount a bill at a long date, and the _second_ his refusing to do it.
MCDXCII.--NOT AT ALL ANXIOUS.
A MAN very deeply in debt, being reprimanded by his friends for his disgraceful situation, and the _anxiety_ of a debtor being urged by them in very strong expressions: ”Ah!” said he, ”that may be the case with a person who _thinks_ of paying.”
MCDXCIII.--ODD HUMOR.
WHEN Lord Holland was on his death-bed, his friend George Selwyn called to inquire how his Lords.h.i.+p was, and left his card. This was taken to Lord Holland, who said: ”If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him into my room. If I am _alive_, I shall be glad to see him; if I am _dead_, I am sure that he will be delighted to see me.”
MCDXCIV.--A TICKLISH OPENING.
HENRY ERSKINE happening to be retained for a client of the name of Tickle, began his speech in opening the case, thus: ”Tickle, my client, the defendant, my lord,”--and upon proceeding so far was interrupted by laughter in court, which was increased when the judge (Lord Kaimes) exclaimed, ”_Tickle him yourself_, Harry; you are as able to do so as I am.”
MCDXCV.--THE REPUBLIC OF LETTERS.
HOOD suggests that the phrase ”_republic_ of letters” was. .h.i.t upon to insinuate that, taking the whole lot of authors together, they had not got a _sovereign_ amongst them.
MCDXCVI.--AN OFFENSIVE PREFERENCE.
A PERSON meeting with an acquaintance after a long absence, told him that he was surprised to see him, for he had heard that he was dead.
”But,” says the other, ”you find the report false.”--”'Tis hard to determine,” he replied, ”for the man that told me was one whose word I would _sooner take than yours_.”
MCDXCVII.--SELF-CONDEMNATION.
A COUNTRY gentleman, walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep in an arbor. ”What!” says the master, ”asleep, you idle dog, you are not worthy that the sun should s.h.i.+ne on you.”--”I am truly sensible of my unworthiness,” answered the man, ”and therefore I laid myself down in the _shade_.”