175 Nothing has Changed, yet...Time will only Tell (1/2)
Her smile was so frail, yet it was so beautiful. As if a leaf hanging deadly at the turn of fall, she clung onto that seemingly normal countenance in hopes of tricking herself that all was well. Yet...
I approached the hospital bed she sat in and took off my coat. After leaving it on the chair that I usually sat in, I pushed over the overbed table and placed down the small decorative box containing the slices of cheesecake, her favorite dessert, that I had purchased for her prior to visiting. She kept her eye fixed on me as I conducted my actions and a small, melancholic smile was framed on her pretty face that now appeared quite frail and unlike the Luna that I was so used to prior to her hospitalization.
I paused momentarily, frowning as I was not greeted by the usual excited and joyful reaction of hers whenever I brought her cheesecakes. Due to her inaction, I took on the role of placing the slices of cheesecakes onto the styrofoam plates and handed her the plastic fork that was supplied.
”Thank you,” Luna smiled in a warm and content manner that was somehow laced with a hint of a weak sadness.
I watched her with keen eyes as she reached a hand over for the fork that I had rested on her plate and grabbed it. Then, she slowly broke off a piece of the cheesecake with her fork and slowly delivered it into her mouth. There was no smile of joy that I was so used to whenever she would consume her favorite dessert. Instead, there was a smile that was made simply out of politeness as she set the fork down on the plate once again.
”Sorry,” she said with that smile on her face. ”I'm not really in the mood for it. You even went out of your way to get it for me...”
”It's fine,” I responded, removing the plate of cheesecake from her bedside table and replacing it into the box container. Then, I placed that decorated box from the cafe, placed it back into the plastic bag, and set it down on the ground next to my seat and out of view.
A moment of silence ensued as we simply sat there with each other as company. I kept my head low as I tried to ponder over what I had accidentally heard upon arriving. The doctor had talked about surgery and her eye...
”So um,” I looked up and started speaking. In response to me, Luna turned her head to look over at me, turning at a greater degree such that she could see me with her right eye. ”I heard the doctor talking to you about surgery... You're...” I paused and stared into her right eye that was not covered with an eyepatch. ”You're not...gonna die, right?”
What a stupid question. The answer to that question is blatantly obvious just by observing her, yet I still want to lie to myself. I still want to hold onto that slim hope, but...it's just pointless. All these lies that I'm trying to fabricate, all of the illusions, it's pointless. The reality is simple. No matter how cold and harsh it might be, it's there and easy to understand. Our time together is coming to an end in the near future.
”Of course not,” she smiled. ”At least not yet. The surgery's scheduled for next month, when spring befalls the world. Besides,” she then said in a lonely voice that sounded quite cheerful. ”Didn't I tell you I want to at least make it until summer?”
I stared at that smile on her face, acknowledging to myself that I had felt a subtle inconsistency in her words. Yet, I am unable to piece together where it exactly stemmed from. I do not know the derivation of it and it severely bothered me.
”Would you stay in the hospital for the entirety of the month leading up to the surgery?” I asked.
”I hope not,” she smiled. ”It would be nice to be able to spend time with everyone again...”
Her gaze was populated by a sudden sense of loneliness and melancholy, and her voice operated with a tone of a silent hopelessness. It was an uncomfortably dark feeling that I felt upon hearing what she had said and observing her sad countenance. It was as if...as if she had given up in its entirety and stopped struggling. It was as if she had accepted her fate, and that...I simply cannot accept that from the Luna that I had known. If I did, then wouldn't I be allowing the Luna that I know to be sealed away in her casket prematurely? Just the thought of that...was enough to finally push me over the edge.
”Why?” I muttered, my voice trembling and for the first time in a while, I felt a rush of emotions that led to an odd tingly feeling in my eyes as moisture developed and began blurring my vision. ”Why are you speaking as if you've given up?”
Luna looked over at me with her mouth slightly open from shock. However, her figure was now obscured by the clear fluid in my eyes that had distorted the light, causing the world around me to appear extremely blurry until finally, the fluid started climbing down my cheeks.
”You're not going to die...right?” I asked once again, feeling a great sense of weakness and insecurity in my mind. My heart felt empty as it reached out towards her yet found it being shut away from her.
It was the first time in a while that I had truly cried. This continuous stream of tears...it has been quite a while since I've felt them that it almost appeared alien to me. As if it wasn't a natural reaction, yet...it was so soothing to be able to cry. It was as if the pain pent up within me finally has a way to flow out of my system, allowing me the ability to breathe and not suffer from that suffocating feeling. Yet, despite this relief, the formerly contained pain coursed through my body, forcing me to experience them all.
”Alevian...” she whispered my name. ”I...”
”Promise me you won't die,” I begged her, imbuing the state of pain that I was in into my voice, hoping that she would be able to understand me. ”The last time we played the King's Game, I have an order that I didn't use. I'll use it now: Don't die. The King's orders are absolute, remember?”
My voice softened near the end as I realized that all of my beggings was pointless. There's no way for me to change the reality, no matter how hard I try to fool myself. It's just not happening. Yet, I still wanted to express it to her. What words can I use to express these feelings? These feelings that I had kept sealed away in the deep abyss, how can I express them to her? Why are words so difficult? Why is it so difficult to communicate one's emotions to another? Why?
”I...” She reached a hand out in my direction and placed it gently on my face, lifting it up so that I met eyes with her. Her right eye were also teary, yet there was a brave smile on her face all of a sudden.
She didn't say anything to me. Instead, her gentle hands merely touched my face as she gazed at it in an attempt to possibly burn my appearance into her memory. It was then that I realized that this gesture was her saying that she wants to remember what I looked like just in case if she loses sight in her other eye. However, maybe it was also because she, too, did not know what words to use in order to communicate her feelings. Yet, the simple touch of her hand was more than enough as a supplement. It communicated her presence, and that was all that I needed in my life.