1 1-The Beginning (2/2)

”I'm what is known as transgender, I was born Lola but I never felt secure in my own skin, I felt like a boy so I'm in transition to become one. Now I'm Liam and it changed my life. Sandra over there is bi and has done just about everyone she can because she's attracted to both genders. Ty is as straight as a bendy straw and has tried to take Tommy home countless times even though Tommy is asexual and doesn't want to get jiggy with it. Not only am I trans, I'm also pan meaning I couldn't care less what's in your pants or how you identify, if I like you I like you.”

I look them all over and realize just how similar they all look, they have these huge differences between them but they seem just like every other person I've ever met.

”How do you figure out stuff like this about yourself? How do you decide you want to be a guy or want to do a guy?” I sit down and stare at them, trying to wrap my head around the insanity I've just been exposed to.

Sandra, the tall one, looks at Liam and laughs, ”I think you explained it a little too fast. The poor kids brain is going to short circuit. Look kid, it's about how you feel, it's who you are. It's the kind of thing that you try to understand most of your life, and usually it is confusing. How do you think I felt when I felt hot kissing both guys and girls, I thought I was a freak. Ty almost had his parents send him to a shrink when he couldn't figure out why he felt nothing with girls.”

I look at him and watch him look down in embarrassment.

”My girlfriend dumped me a few months ago, I felt relieved, I felt nothing with her. Every time she kissed me I felt awkward and numb to it.”

Sandra looks at Tommy, who looks at Liam before they all turn to Ty, he sighs, ”Ok we need another gay dude, because he's cute and all but I'm sick of being the experiment,” They all laugh before Ty comes up to me and shrugs, ”You at all curious to try and kiss me? I won't kiss you if you don't want me to.”

I feel my stomach do flips, and I start sweating. Yet the nerves I feel don't feel bad or scary, it's more like I'm nervous because I'm excited. I look back at the others and nod.

He smiles before leaning down and pressing his lips to mine.

His lips are rough, unlike my ex who always had soft lips, and kissing him tastes different too. My mind races as I fall deeper into this kiss and realize, I like it. My heart races and I feel myself shake a little.

Ty pulls away and looks back at his friends, ”I think he gets it now.”

They all sit there and ask me how I feel, but I can't find the words to explain it. Liam sits next to me and nudges me with his shoulder.

”That's what a kiss should feel like. It's supposed to knock you off your feet and leave you speechless, that's how you know it meant something, and you felt something real. The stomach flutters and sweating palms and shuddering, those are all the feelings you should get when you're attracted to someone, and that wasn't even crazy hot or freaky.”

”How do I know it wasn't a fluke? Maybe I just wasn't attracted to my ex, I could be like Sandra, right?”

”Yeah, for sure, you need to keep searching for yourself and find out where you stand. And whatever you decide you are is cool, because it's your life and your choice. Don't let anyone tell you different.”

I look over to Ty and start to smile, I realize I'm looking at him the way my ex looked at me.

I stand up and tell them I have to go but that I appreciate them trying to help. They wish me luck as I take off to find my sister to beg to go home.

I find her dancing like a maniac and offer her a week of chocolate to go home.

After a 30 minute walk home, she goes straight to bed and I hop on my laptop and start searching what it means to be gay. Some of what I see scares me, like stuff people post about how being gay is an abomination and those who engage in homosexuality will burn in hell. Other stuff, though, comforts me and makes sense, like reading the many stories of people finally feeling confident after discovering they weren't broken, just different.

I didn't sleep that night, I searched for hours before I finally felt secure in my mind.

That's when I discovered I'm gay.

I told my sister the next day because I was too scared to tell my parents. She hugged me and started saying that she thought it was cool and was happy I felt secure enough to share it with her.

It was the first summer in a while that I didn't feel like something was suffocating me. The first summer I felt like I really understood myself in the way a person should.

By the start of my sophomore year, I knew without a doubt that I identified as gay, but I couldn't bring myself to admit it to anyone but Arriana.

Still trapped, but more free than I was before. It was a start.