1 1-The Beginning (1/2)

Take a moment and think about your high school years. How many of you can remember countless times you tried to find yourself, and found something new about yourself? How many of you also remember it being pushed aside by countless people saying, ”You're young, you don't know what you're talking about,” or my favorite, ”It's just a phase”?

Nothing has changed. I honestly don't know if it ever will.

The only difference between the generations is that as time goes on, there's more to push aside. Now we have so many people in high schools trying to express themselves in new ways and having every attempt disregarded by at least one person. Unless it's a test with a perfect score, most all parents will push it aside or only half listen.

I understand the constant pressure of being a teenager where no one can accept your choices and the ways society are changing. And like a lot of people, I let it control me, I let it hide me.

Senior year. Pretty much a bottomless hell hole without emotions and personal growth involved. You have your schoolwork, teachers, finals, graduation, college, and that's not taking into account friends, dating, sports, clubs, Prom, and all the countless other high school drama there is. Why not throw more fuel on the fire? Maybe the smoke will kill us faster.

I'm Joshua, I turn 18 in July. I have an awesome mom and dad who work hard and love me, I also have a sister a grade below me who I can't imagine life without. I've only had one girlfriend, and I never did anything more than kiss her on the cheek. I'm taking a few AP classes and usually hang out with my family on weekends I'm not working. Oh, and to top it all off...

I'm gay.

Only my sister knows. It fucking sucks.

The one girlfriend I had back in my freshman year was great, she was pretty and smart and always made me laugh. I just never understood why I didn't feel anything when I held her hand or kissed her. She dumped me a few weeks after Christmas break because she thought our relationship was one sided and I wasn't putting in effort. My sister laughed at how dramatic she was, honestly so did I.

After that, I felt different, almost free but not quite there. I spent the rest of the school year confused and unsure what to think or feel. It was only after school got out for the summer that I started to understand.

Arriana, my sister, convinced me to help her sneak out to a party one of my classmates was having to celebrate no more school. After some bribery, I agreed to go, and things got a bit out of hand.

While Arriana was having fun I decided why not try to be social, there were enough people here for it, even if most of them were blindly drunk. I ended up talking with this guy who I guess turned out to be the friend of a brother of a dude at the party or whatever. And he was great, he was in college and as we were talking he asked me if I was straight.

”What do you mean?” I mean, what else could I be? His laughter is drowned out but the painfully loud music.

”Do you do chicks, or do you do dudes?”

”I haven't really done either I guess, the most I've done is kiss a girl.”

He looked at me funny for a few minutes before grabbing my arm, ”Come on, I want you to meet someone.”

I followed closely behind him as we push past the crowds of teenagers. I ignore the close contact and awkward dancing as I push past, trying not to knock anyone's cups out of their hand. We entered the back yard and came up to a small group of people who looked about the same age as the guy who pulled me out here. They seemed to form their own bubble outside the party, at least they can probably hear themselves think.

”Look what the cat dragged in, who'd you bring us this time Ty?” A girl who I had to guess was at least six feet tall sat down on a planter with her legs spread and her chin in her hand. I watch her down the contents of her cup and put down with a smile.

”I personally think this little guy, whatever his name is, needs a little help understanding what all is out there. I asked him if he was straight and all he said was 'what do you mean', like come on.”

They all turned pale as ghosts and looked at me, the same girl as before looks me up and down before letting her head drop, ”We're doomed.”

”What am I missing?” I ask looking around as if I missed some big neon sign.

”Do you think people can only be straight kid?” The guy named Ty sits down next to his friends and stares at me.

”No, I know that some people aren't, I guess I just don't see what you mean. I've never been with a guy, why wouldn't I be straight?”

They burst out laughing and one of them stands up, bringing attention to the fact that I can't tell if they're a boy or girl, ”What do you think I am?”

”I don't know, I can't even tell if you're a dude or not,” I shrug my shoulders in surrender.