Vol 1 Chapter 3 (1/2)
Panorama - III
The sun has already fallen as we leave the abandoned building Miss Tōko
calls home shi+ki’s apartment is quite close by, but my apartment is about
twenty y pace and an unsteady walk
remind me of the lack of sleep mentioned earlier, and I stay close beside
just in case it’s needed Out of the blue, shi+ki asks e question
“Hey, Mikiya Do you think suicide is right?”
“Hood answer
“Well, let’s put it this way Say I had a terribly deadly retrovirus, such that
meant everyone would
be saved, then maybe I’d kill myself”
“What in the hell? That’s such a far-fetched scenario it hurts my brain”
shi+ki makes a disappointed face
“Let ht? Think about it for a moment I don’t know about
you, but I wouldn’t have the will to live while the whole of Tokyo sees me
as the carrier of a virulent plague Choosing suicide would be the easier
path An instant of determination, or a lifetime; I think you can tell which
is the hard choice And that’s what it boils down to, isn’t it? Death is the
easy choice And when push comes to shove, I don’t truly think I have what
it takes to make the hard decision”
After that, we continue to walk in silence, leaving me to think more about
what I said In ht
thing It ht even be called heroic, another one for the books But choosing
death for yourself, no matter the practicality of such an action, seems
the foolish thing to do Struggling through the slings and arrows allows us
to put ourselves to right, and ee as better people That’s true bravery,
which I don’t think I could h, since I feel like shi+ki
is getting annoyed atat me doubtfully after my answer
“Anyway,” I try to conclude aardly, “Each person has his own
answers, I guess”
“You’re different, though,” says shi+ki, as if reading my mind shi+ki said
it in the usual cold front, granted, but it feels as if there’s a compliment in
there so myself to answer it,
and we continue to walk through the city silently Pretty soon I can hear the
the bustle of people and the noise of engines It sounds like we’re nearing
the city’s hts and sounds,
acco home after a day’s work
I can just make out the department stores in the distance, and not too far
36 • KINOKO NASU
after that is the train station
shi+ki stops suddenly
“Mikiya, stay over at ht”
“What in th—“
shi+ki takesdo
it, c’mon” variety shi+ki’s apartment is closer, and it would be easier that
way, but I don’t think I really should on rounds
“It’s all right, really,” I try to say “It’d be boring even if I do go there Or
are you saying there’s so you need me to do?” I know there really
wasn’t anything, so this should have been the end of the discussion, and
yet shi+ki looks at me accusatorily, like I was at fault
“Strawberry”
“Er…”
“Those Goddaht a while back They’re still
there Eat the das”
“Well, I suppose I did buy theht that on a hot
day on my way to shi+ki’s home Was it really that hot? It’s almost September
after all Well, whatever Not like it rand scheme of
things shi+ki’s pulling any excuse to get me to stay, and I suppose I have no
choice but to follow But I can at least make a feeble attempt to strike back
There is a topic—serving alht to
discussion, makes shi+ki mad but unable to retort back properly It’s about
so I really want shi+ki to do, but in this matter, the universe seems
to have seen it proper to bestow upon shi+ki the stubbornness of mules
“I can see there’s no persuading you All right, I’ll stay over But shi+ki…”
Harsh eyes look at me, and I respond with as serious a face I can muster
“’Eat the da?’ Such unseemly words I’d really like it if you did
soirl after all”
Right on target After I say “girl,” she points a finger at her lips and says
“Hey, my mouth, my choice of words Got it?”
/ EPILOGUE • 37
Epilogue
That was the day when, led on by nothing except an impulse of curiosity,
I took the main avenue on the way home It wasn’t a shortcut, and I
didn’t plan on passing by any particular place there It was just so
I decided to do on a whim
This part of the avenue was full of skyscrapers and tall condos, some old,
more of theled
into one crowded skyline I’d wager everybody in the city, including me,
was tired of looking at the beside the
buildings, I suddenly saw so fall from a roof to the concrete sidewalk
a ways ahead of me
It was a person
In thesound The wet,
raw sound you associate with the kind of things you don’t want happening
anywhere near you The kind of sound you never really get to hear often
Judging froht that the person fell from, it was clear that whoever
he or she was died the instant it hit pavement
As I drew closer to the point of impact, I was able to scrutinize what happened
more clearly All that was left, all that my mind could take in, was the
scarlet trail seeping across the asphalt; the frail, bone-like limbs, and the
long, black hair, which still retained so beauty
And that dead face
The scene struck e of a flower pressed between
the pages of an old, uely familiar I knew
what happened here In the end, I suppose she chose the true slumber,
instead of the lie
A throng of people had already begun to gather around, and Azaka and
I soon had to work our way through the the crowd
“Miss Tōko, that was a jumper, wasn’t it?”
“I suppose,” I answer almost absent-mindedly My part in this case had
long since played out Society had better things to do than psychoanalyze
a ju In the end,
they’d say one suicide is no different froht
up to the end, was not flight, or even floating, but to fall A pity, but it’s best
not to dwell on it for long
“I’ve heard there were quite a lot of cases last year, but I guess it’s still
a trend, huh? I don’t really understand what goes through these people’s
h Would you, Miss Tōko?”
38 • KINOKO NASU
I nodmy
vision on an illusion of the light
“She had no reason to kill herself,” I say finally “She just wasn’t able to
fly”
40 • KINOKO NASU
Part II:
The First
Homicide Inquiry
April 1995
I met her
42 • KINOKO NASU
/ 1
A cool breeze blows through the mansion, unexpected when it was just
the end of sus of autumn, and it makes me
want to take an evening stroll again I’ on my shoes, when a voice
from behind me spoke
“Lady , please do co”
It is Akitaka, nore the impositions on his ever-monotonous
voice, as always, and make my way out of the entrance hall Past the
courtyard, past the garden, and past the large gate barring entry into the
house, and I’ no
light outside the ht nor sound of
any person except for me
It was ht, and it would soon be the first day of September The
ba the periphery of the mansion rustled in the
light breeze, bringing to es of wicked monsters beyond them
Walks through uneasy silences such as these are the only thing I derive
pleasure from
As the night grows deeper, the darkness draws closer I think I walk
through this lifeless town because I want to be alone Or perhaps because
I want to think I’m alone Either way, in this world, it’d be hard to be completely
left alone anyway But the city has its ways I veer off from the main
avenue, taking a detour through a narrow alleyway
I turn sixteen this year I’h school
It’s kind of pointless, really No matter what I do, the mansion and the
dynasty is my future I chose the school just because it was close to my
house and it would cut down onback on it,
that ht have been a mistake
The alley is dark, save for one streetlight flickering nervously like a beacon
It reminds me of someone
I’ve been quite restless lately, even during these evening strolls It’s all
because of that guy, who keeps popping up in my head whenever I least
expect it, and whenever I least like it
Being in high school didn’t change anything I couldn’t grow close to
anyone, and they couldn’t grow close to me I didn’t knohy exactly,
but maybe it’s because I easily express what I think in my behavior That is
to say, I’m a misanthrope I couldn’t come to like people ever since I was
a child Being a person, I never liked myself either I didn’t hate people,
not really It didn’t stop theh It wasn’t
/ 1 • 43
long before ot the picture, and within a month, people
stopped trying to ingratiate themselves with me
Not that I didn’t like a quiet environment either, so that state of affairs
suited me perfectly But I should have known better than to think it would
last There is the one classmate who treated me like a friend, a person with
a surna quality I
can attribute to hi
I see the shadow of a person in the distant streetlight
Soe
I follow him into an alley
Inside the alley, it’s like an entirely different world The alley is a culde-sac,
with the buildings for walls all around it Because of this, no
sunlight shone upon it even on bright afternoons Honestly, it looked more
like a room than an alley There was once one homeless person who lived
in this dead space, but not today The walls of this alley just got a brand
new paint job There is a wet, sticky quality to the ground, and the usual
ser scent
All around h the
alley, and the sweet, sticky smell pierces my nostrils In the center of it all
is the corpse Whatever face he donned in death can’t be seen anymore
His ars became stumps around the knee area,
pressurized blood pouring out of them
A world so different, even the darkness of night was being overwhelmed
by the bold criantly, I
touch the blood running on the ground, the sleeves of ht blue kimono
turning a deep red I streak the liquid on my lips, and a drop slips down
lazily across my face My body shakes in utter ecstasy, as if in a trance The
first lipstick I ever had
44 • KINOKO NASU
/ 2
As suh school
begins Nothing really changes in life, least of all high school The clothes of
the students change to reflect the approaching cold of autumn, but apart
fro else The same old routine,
day in and day out
As forother than a kimono my entire life
Akitaka tried to geta woman of my sixteen years”,
but I never even thought of putting them on Lucky for me, then, that the
school I go to allows you to wear anything you want, so I actually went to
school in my traditional dress Actually, I wanted to wear the formal style
of kimono, but if I did that, I’d have to spend the entirety of PE just to
change clothes (which may not be so bad), so I made a compromise with a
one-layer yukata
I did worry a bit about what to wear in the cold winter months, but a
solution presented itself yesterday During break time he approached me
in his usual crudeif I felt cold
“Not right now, no,” I replied “But perhaps in a few more weeks”
He frowned, as if readingthat in the winter
too?”
Wanting the conversation to end as quickly as possible, I answered
directly “Without fail There’s no need to worry yourself, however I can
wear so over it, after all”
“Wow, I didn’t figure there was anything you could possibly wear over
a kimono” With that, he walked away, puzzled at
I thought up at theto lie, I decided to buy
a warm leather jacket I’ll wear it inter comes, but for now, it stays
in my closet
And just like that, we ended up eating lunch together every day He
invited me, and I couldn’t refuse out of politeness We had our meals at
the roof of the school building, where there were pairs of boys and girls
just like us idling their lunch time
Today’s lunch break is just like any other, and I’ the other couples
when he suddenly talks to nore him,
but he says sonore
“Murder It happened on the last day of summer vacation It was on the
/ 2 • 45
western wing of the coo on the media,
though, so it hasn’t been reported yet”
“…That isn’t very nice, is it?” I say nervously
“Yeah It’s a weird case, too Apparently the suspect cut off the victim’s
hands and feet and left him there to die The crime scene was a mess, and
they had to cordon off the entire location What’s worse is that the suspect
is still at large”
“You say the suspect cut off the ars? Can people die from just
that?”
“Blood loss would cause a lack of oxygen in the body, but in this case
I’d say circulatory shock ca his food Outwardly,
he looks like a cal man, but in the end I suppose
these are the sorts of things he really wants to talk about I suppose one of
his relatives is in the police force, or at least has connections there Surely
not too high a standing, however, else he wouldn’t be leaking information
out like this “Oh, I’ to do with you, ”
“It’s quite alright…but Kokutō, this isn’t really a meal time topic, don’t
you think?” I complain
He offers only a si his faux pas
Good grief Now, thanks to hi the tomato sandwich
I just bought
And so I capped of the end of su of
autuht would
never change would soon receive a rude awakening
46 • KINOKO NASU
/ 3
It’s been raining hard sinceof my footsteps on the
school corridor mixed with the pitter-patter sound of the raindrops School
has concluded for the day, and not a single soul could be found inside the
grounds at this hour Nor club
activities, but the murder incident that Kokutō told me about had finally
gone public, and club activities have since been temporarily suspended
Akitaka toldthat it had
already reached four murders this month alone That’s what blew this wide
open The suspect remained as yet free from the law, and whatever personality,
character, orthis isn’t yet known
In fact, ht now
There are no co the victims, except for the fact
that they were all taking a walk quite late in the evening It really is quite
a different story when it’s happening to your own city instead of some
re out after school and
go horip
the ible I can almost touch it Even I’m
affected, since the police go on patrols at 9 o’ clock in the evening I can’t
even go out to do htly strolls
“Four murders…” I whisper under my breath Four times, I’ve…
“Ryōgi?” someone calls out suddenly I turn towards the direction of the
voice and see ablue jeans and a white
shi+rt, both of them quite plain and unsatisfactory He must be someone in
a higher grade level than me
“Yes, that would be me What is it?”
“Oh, please don’t glare at me with those cold eyes of yours Are you
looking for Kokutō?”
What a foolish h his fake smile
“I was about to go home I have no idea how Kokutō factors into that”
“Is that so?” The drawl in his voice was practically audible at this point
“That’s where you’re wrong, and you know it That’s why you’re irritated It
isn’t good to take it out on someone else It can be easier to blame anyone
other than yourself It’s become a habit for you, hasn’t it?” He chuckles at
a joke funny only to hii… don’t you think four
times is a bit too much?”
“What?!” Inadvertently, I take a step back The ain, a
satisfied smile I now realize looks similar to my own
/ 3 • 47
“I’ve wanted to talk to you for so long no that I have, it’s time
to bid you farewell” After that, he walks away, the sound of his footsteps
echoing in the di
inside me I don’t even want look at him, so I head towards the school
entrance
After changing out of my school shoes, I head outside only to have the
rain greet me Akitaka, as supposed to pick me up, evidently isn’t
here yet On rainy days such as this one, he would always coive
me a ride, but he is obviously late I’ shoes
again, so I decide to take shelter from the rain in the shade of the entryway
The rain looks faintly like a veil, and it rounds look
as if they were encased by fog The winter chill makes the pale whiteness
of my breath visible
I don’t kno much time passed by, but before I could notice, Kokutō
had appeared at my side
“I have an umbrella,” he says aardly
“It’s alright I have so me up You should hurry up and
head hoe
“In a ot here If that
isn’t too much trouble?”
Without waiting for ainst the concrete wall of
the entrance I wasn’t thinking on what Kokutō was going to say or about
to say In fact, I planned on syste him until such time that
I could leave
A miracle He’s actually quiet for once I can only hear the sound of the
falling raindrops Kokutō wasn’t talking at all I turned to him only to see
that, with a satisfied look on his face, he had already closed his eyes I
thought that he was sleeping, as unlikely as that may be, but I hear him
singing under his breath I knoas a fa, but I couldn’t
remember the title
Truly a ot home, I asked Akitaka what the
song was, and it turned out to be “Singing in the Rain”
Kokutō didn’t speak We weren’t even a meter apart For us to be this
close and not talking made me a bit unsettled It was an aard situation,
but the silence wasn’t at all painful Strange Why was this silence cal?
But then the silence frightened me, as suddenly as I warmed to it Instinct
raced inme that if it stayed like this, he would come out
“KOKUTŌ!”
“Yes?!”
With a juht
48 • KINOKO NASU
“What happened? Is so at me
oddly I seeat each other like that, it
was probably the first time I really saw Mikiya Kokutō, still just a boy, with
a boy’s face, and a gentle disposition He had black hair which he didn’t
style in any particular way, and similarly black eyes, where he wore stupid
glasses that even little children would find atrocious He wore no accessories,
and his only concession to fashi+on was his insistence on wearing an
all-black ensemble all the time It has always puzzled me why he always
gave aI did
“Where…” I look down, trying round is
thein the world “Where were you before you came out
here?”
“In the student council roo out
of school, and we held so like a farewell party for him His name’s
Lio shi+razu he
wanted to do It surprisedas he was one of those quiet, unsocial
types” Lio shi+razumi I can’t say I’ve heard of the person But Kokutō
knows a lot of people I don’t The class sees him as a friend to everyone,
and he has some small popularity with the female upperclassman population
“I invited you too, didn’t I? I told you e said goodbye to each
other yesterday, but you never showed up in the student council room I
looked for you in the classroom, but there was no one there”
He did indeed invite
there That, and I thought Kokutō invitinghis usual
polite self He didn’t really expect o…did he?
“Oh, so you were serious?”
“Of course I was! What did you think, ?” Kokutō, understandably,
gets ht he said I’ve never
really experienced sory at me, and it confuses me From
that moment on I sink into silence and ith my mouth shut I don’t
think there’s ever been a day that I wanted Akitaka to come quickly as
badly as this one Not long thereafter, the car entered the front gate, and I
say an aard goodbye to Kokutō
When the sun began to set, and it grew darker and darker, the rain
finally stopped Putting on my red leather blouson, I head outside to clear
ht sky overhead is in turmoil The clouds that blanketed
the sky only occasionally gave way to the moon and the stars In the city,
/ 3 • 49
policemen in uniform and plainclothes alike patrolled the streets, and I
them
Wet asphalt reflects the dihts From afar, I hear
theof a train That means the train viaduct is
near Almost arbitrarily, I decide to head towards that direction, but I stop
short upon reaching it when I see someone there
Slowly and purposefully, I approach
Another train passes overhead, probably tonight’s last ride The noise
is louder this ti thunder The
rumble reverberates as loudly as if I was in a sealed room, and I have to
cover o deaf After the train passes, however, a
solemn sort of silence descends under the viaduct
Without streetlight or ht, this place is in complete darkness
That ht be for the best Red liquid is spread all around the riverbank,
yet even this is alht This would be the
fifth The weeds around here are overgrown, but the corpse it surrounds
looks like a single solitary flower, red and artificial The face is at the center,
with dis it, twisted to look like flower
petals, or a manji cross
I’ulp, and I realize my throat is dry Is
it tension, or arousal, I wonder? My thirst burns my throat, but it doesn’t
nant with death, and I smile wordlessly in spite of
ecstasy inside of me, the pleasure
alaze upon the
beautiful corpse once more, and feel for once that I am truly alive
50 • KINOKO NASU
/ 4
At the beginning of each i dynasty for
the head of the family and the heir to have a sword duel with live steel
In the past, different swordmasters would be invited to participate in the
duel, and to teach their craft But then, tiring of such acts, one of my ancestors
stopped this practice long ago, and created within the manor his own
school of swordsirl
of the Ryōgi dynasty must bear a certain standard with the sword
My father was a strong man, and skillful with his weapon In our duel,
he made the sword dance like no other, and easily overpowered me It
is this disparity in skill and strength that has just made me lose the duel
After this, I waste no ti of the manor,
which lies a fair bit of distance away from the dōjo The wooden floor of
the compound is immaculately treated, and makes no sound as my feet
tread upon it
On the way, I see Akitaka standing in a corridor waiting for me Ten years
ned to me by the household since
my childhood days He is a dutiful and patient man, especially with me
He’s probably waiting on e me out of my sweat-soaked
clothes
“You fought a close duel today How is your father?”
“Godda e
by myself It’s not like we’re joined at the hip You’d be better served sucking
up to my brother, you know that? Males succeed the dynasty, after all”
Despite , my lady
There is no successor to the dynasty but you, for you are the only one that
inherited the gift”
The stateift, is it? What I have,
Akitaka, is a curse”
Leaving Akitaka in the corridor, I continue to head toward the
Once I reach my room, I instinctively lock the door shut and immediately
undress lance of myself in the mirror,
at the body of a sixteen year old girl Actually, I only need to put in a little
effort to uy, but I can’t cheat that ith the
rest of row, month after month, year
after year…the body that shi+ki detests
day
“It uy,” I say to no one in particu-
/ 4 • 51
lar No one is listening, except for me Except for him The one inside me
called shi+ki