Vol 2 Chapter 7 (2/2)

“I’ht here,” Hirosue continued “So maybe when the after-party is finished…”

Matsuoka tilted his head “I don’t knohat time I’d be done I don’t want to make you wait”

“Then, it can be tomorrow If it’s until four o’clock tomorrow, I’ll still be…”

“I have plans all day to”

Matsuoka agilely deflected every atteain a foothold on hiet on the taxi, and sent them out of the hotel

“Matsuoka, do you remember the business hotel called Verda close to the condo you used to live in? I’ in Room 305 over there It doesn’t matter what time I―”

“You’re telling o over there after the party is over?” Matsuoka stared straight into Hirosue’s eyes “I won’t go I won’t go even after the party is over ―I don’t want to go”

“Why not?”

“Why not?” Matsuoka echoed, sh of a reason?”

After uttering those words, Matsuoka turned on his heel Hirosue could see thehis head and stood there, rooted to the spot It was a while before he could ain

Hirosue headed to the izakaya that he used to frequent when he lived in this area He ordered drinks and no food He started off the bat with sake and drank with the intention of getting drunk But even after the drunkenness set in, it did hiood Melancholic clouds continued to roll in and depress his spirits

“Mr Hirosue, are you alright? Are you sure I shouldn’t call a taxi?”

“I’er and staggered out of the restaurant He walked towards the station He felt like walking on and on forever He wanted to walk to the ends of the earth, become wore down like a piece of scrap wood, and an to feel quite reckless about the future Right now, he was not afraid to die

But his self-derogatory feelings began to fade when the alcohol began to leave his syste, obviously And no et, he could not He remembered those eyes that rejected hi out, and his own inadequacy was enough to make him shake He was ashamed of himself Embarrassed

Matsuoka had cut him loose Hirosue had been h he had already known, he had pressed forward stubbornly under the misconception that Matsuoka was still in love with him

Hirosue conveniently found a station along his line and got onto the train froan to spill from his eyes He had been the one to end the relationshi+p He hadn’t been the one to get duiven the cold shoulder He had no right to cry at sonificant as this He wasn’t a child

Shameful of his tears, Hirosue lowered his head, fell asleep, and ended uphis station He took the train back and finally arrived at the right stop The scenery was still somewhat familiar to him, all because he had purposely reserved a hotel near Matsuoka’s condo―even though he knew the er there, all the past ered were unbearable Hirosue bought three sealed glasses of sake at a nearby convenience store

Like a delinquent teenager, he sat down outside the convenience store and e out of a drunken buzz and the anticipation of returning to his normal mental state, and so he yanked hiish like a limp, stretched-out rubber band, Hirosue wondered what he had expected from Matsuoka

Was he trying to force friendshi+p onto a man who had insisted that he could not be friends? Was he doing this despite the fact that Matsuoka had told him over and over that he loved him, and that he wanted to be in a relationshi+p? It was still a vague idea in Hirosue’s an to feel like he understood how Matsuoka felt And he felt exasperation was only a natural reaction for Matsuoka to have towards someone like him

A teardrop fell He hadn’t realized he was crying, so he touched his cheek to make sure It turned out to be rain He had expected some rain before the ceremony, and now here it was Hirosue slid back in his seat underneath the narrow eaves They did not cover his legs, which stuck out and got wet But he didn’t care He didn’t feel cold Hirosue opened his second glass of sake

He oken by the sensation of collapsing heavily His face hurt Red carpet Feet

“A-Are you alright, sir?”

Someone’s voice

“Sorry, can you actually give me a hand after all?”

He heard Matsuoka’s voice But that soon faded away His body was floating As he watched his legs quaver unsteadily like jelly, he caught a whiff of cigarettes

“Are you sure you don’t want us to call an ambulance?” someone’s voice said worriedly

“I think he’s just drunk ―If it looks like I need to take him to the hospital, I’ll call the front desk” Matsuoka’s voice again The feeling of rising up He wondered if he was being lifted to heaven as his thoughts melted He was sleepy Very sleepy

He heard the door slareen carpet It was a little cold He felt his jacket being pulled off of hi him feel much more co was taken off of him, he realized for the first time that he et

In his underwear, Hirosue was pulled up to a higher place So was draped over his body, and he felt a sense of relief at its warnized that it ater, he clasped it with both hands He brought it to his lips The moisture hydrated his throat, and the haze in his head cleared a little When he tried to take a second draught, his fingertips shook and he ended up spilling it

“Geez, what are you doing?”

He heard scrarabbed the hand that held it

“What?”

His vision spun He saw a blurry face that looked like Matsuoka’s He was sure it was Matsuoka’s

“…You said… you wouldn’t co resentful “…You said you wouldn’t…”

His fingers were shaken off

“I wasn’t planning to come I was at home when I found you passed out drunk outside the convenience store You were giving the store person a hard tiht you back to the hotel”

Matsuoka turned his back

“Don’t go!” Hirosue found hi His own voice reverberated in his head and made him feel nauseous He clamped his hands over his ears

“D-Don’t go… please… but I’o home Once I sleep a bit, I’ll talk…”

His drowsiness dragged hi in his chest A black veil fell over his eyes, everything turned vague, and Hirosue lost consciousness as if abruptly falling over the edge

The quiet sound of soht He could see a hu out thefor a while, the figure heaved a sigh and sank down against the wall across fros out and pulled the ashtray full of towering butts towards him

His shi+rt rinkled and his tie was loosened A red-eyed Matsuoka was s in an absent-minded h his hair, scratch it aggressively, and hang his head The sers for

When Hirosue htly The man’s bowed head slowly lifted at the sound Hirosue lifted himself up as the h to over

He sat on the bed and realized for the first time that he was only in his underwear Yesterday, he had consuotten on the train He felt like he had gone to a convenience store He had no memories of what happened after that Rain―he did feel like it had been raining

He also didn’t knohy Matsuoka was in the room The man had said he wouldn’t come even after the party was over He had refused to meet him, or to speak with him―because of that, Hirosue had drowned his sorrows in drink But now, here the oing on, but his desire to be alone with the h he felt sick, it was like a dream

“―Oh, have a seat,” he said, pointing at the hotel chair

“My legs’ll get tired,” Matsuoka muttered, and pulled one knee up to his chest “When you say you’ll sleep for a little bit, Hirosue, do you ht?”

Hirosue sensed a sharpness in his words

“U about?”

Matsuoka knitted his eyebrows in displeasure

“I have a vague feeling I went to the convenience store after drinking at the izakaya, but I don’t re?”

“Never ain Had he said soht in his drunkenness that would lower Matsuoka’ opinion of him?

Seeing Matsuoka so clearly disappointed and fed up e But noas the chance to talk to hi his presence There was no time to hesitate He had asked Matsuoka to coether what he had wanted to say

“I’ve been helping out at ho back toabout what he was doing at present “It’s pretty busy, but all the workers are family, so it’s coet yelled at all the tiht uponI could do about that”

There was not even a grunt in response from Matsuoka’s bowed head

“My older brother has three kids, and the oldest one likes rade at priht be a little like you, Matsuoka Anyway, I help out at hoht be able to givenext e over here, but in the country, that’s et by”

It looked like the sun was coh thegradually began to shi+ft

“I have a lot of friends back in the country,” Hirosue continued “My best friend had his wedding in May, and ere out drinking untilTo tell you the truth, I hardly ever remember stuff that happened over here in the city anymore But you were always on my mind, Matsuoka I alondered what you were up to”

“―So?”

The silent figure opened its mouth

“I was on your mind So?”

Hirosue could not respond when he was pressed for an answer like this Matsuoka had been on his mind, which hy he wanted tobeyond that As he stalled, unable to say anything, Matsuoka roughly ran his right hand through his hair

“Give me a break, will you?” he croaked “Why won’t you leave me alone? Do me a favour and don’t associate withsenti, or because I’ you” He sounded like he was about to cry

“For you, Hirosue, it always stops there It starts with interest, and it never gets further than that”

He was right Hirosue could say nothing back

“Even if I were to invest in that interest and keep associating with you, it’s going to end the saain, isn’t it? I’ to be We’re just going to repeat the saain Please,” Matsuoka pleaded, his voice barely audible “Will you think about how I feel for once?”

Hirosue had thought about Matsuoka But he had only thought of whether the man still loved him or not He had never contemplated deeply about what Matsuoka hadto do with Hirosue if they could only be friends

Even when they had reunited after a long period apart, Matsuoka had refused to talk to hiht Matsuoka hated him, and that he was sick of hiet hurt―so he wouldn’t harbour any expectations

Silence wore on Matsuoka lit a cigarette

“Hirosue, I just don’t think you’re coarette turned to ash in moments, and he dropped it into the ashtray “You said so yourself You don’t plan to get into any kind of relationshi+p with me When I heard that, I knew that was your honest opinion That’s why I thought―fine, that’d be the end of that”

Matsuoka smiled wanly

“Did you find a new girlfriend over there? If you did, you should hurry up and get uy who used to follow you around’ and you’ll forget all about me in no time”

If he got a girlfriend, if he got et about Matsuoka? Would he not remain in Hirosue’s heart forever, like the innocent romance of his childhood friend who?

Hirosue remembered the words of his sister-in-law

‘If you were interested in her, you should have gotten married’

Choosing a lifelong partner was an ih to seal the deal As an exaested the hair stylist to hiet married, and it was easy for the to step forward No matter how earnestly Matsuoka professed his love, and despite the fact that Hirosue was interested in hiarded as an option

What was the problem? Was it because men could not bear children? But there were many heterosexual couples who didn’t have children Was it societal pressure? But was he ever conscious about that?

No, that wasn’t it Love was feeling desire towards the other person Although Hirosue felt the desire to meet and talk to Matsuoka, he did not feel the desire to have sex with him In the past, he was supposed to have done, but he could still not iine it

Then, would the problem be solved if he could have sex with the man? If he could interact with the e?

Hirosue went and stood in front of Matsuoka, as sitting with his liet over his physical repulsion towards certain parts once he got used to it Hirosue bent down, steeled hirittiness on his fingertips

“…What?” Matsuka said

“So it’s okay if I can do it?”

Matsuoka cocked his head

“So if I can… sleep with you, it’s okay?”

Matsuoka’s face instantly paled, then gradually transformed into an expression of fury Only when Hirosue saw this change up close and in detail did he realize the verbal slip he had made

“―I don’t believe this,” Matsuoka growled quietly, violently jerking his chin away Thebackirreversible He couldn’t let the s would really be over Thatto the

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry―” he implored

“Let go of led fiercely and relentlessly But Hirosue was equally desperate to hold hirappled, they lost their balance, and Matsuoka fell heavily onto the floor Hirosue clung to the ized profusely

“Just like you said, Matsuoka, I can’t draw the line with et the urge to see your face, and it hurts when you’re cold to me You’re the only one who makes me feel this way That’s why―”

Matsuoka re on the floor and curled up into a ball

“So what if you try it out because you’re interested―and then what? If it’s disgusting, are you just gonna say, ‘Oh, it wasn’t what I expected after all,’ and leave ain?”

Matsuoka’s rounded back was tre

“I won’t”

“Liar!” Matsuoka spat as he turned away froive up, you say youmore―and then in the end you tell ether because I’m a man Pain isn’t pleasure for et duuy”

Matsuoka was upset; the tip of his nose and his cheeks were red His eyes atery and glistening at the edges He had never seen the uised emotion Hirosue wondered why he looked like this, and realized it was because of him

He felt pity for the man, almost as if he were a bystander And he was also filled with tenderness for hi Hirosue reached out and tentatively touched the man’s cheek The sensation of soft and supple skin only lasted for a moment before his hand was ruthlessly slapped away But Hirosue refused to back down He stroked Matsuoka’s cheek, touched his nose, rubbed his chin… then, grabbed those shoulders which were taut with tension and drew the man close

Hirosue held the hly The ertips, but it was also sinewy and hard His hair and his suit sarette s was a woman

This was Matsuoka, he thought