Vol 2 Chapter 8 (1/2)
They barely talked until eleven o’clock, when it was alet his stuff together and left the hotel ―Matsuoka was also with hihly exhausted
Hirosue invited Matsuoka to an outdoor cafe nearby He had actually wanted to go so atmosphere But he was afraid that if he went all the way to the station, Matsuoka would leave hiht hoe juice and Matsuoka ordered iced tea
The cicadas buzzed Matsuoka lazily put his lips to the straw in his iced tea Hirosue wondered how to broach the topic of their future He had stopped thewith no plan in mind at all A question was tossed out at him
“ ―So what is it that you want to do from here, Hirosue?”
Hirosue tightly laced his fingers together on the table Even though there were certain aspects he could not bring his for the ht be love, more than the last time he had contemplated the possibility But he was still not absolutely sure If he asked Matsuoka to go out with hiht love him, it would just be the same as last time He knew painfully well how cruel it was to lead the man on But he still wanted to see Matsuoka
“―I’ll come out to the city once in a while I want you to see me when I do”
“No” Matsuoka’s refusal carried no hint of indecision “How much more of this do I have to put up with? I don’t want to expect anything from you anymore, Hirosue”
His arguive up
“B―But it hurts that I can’t see you” It took all of his effort to say thatso aard and cluotiation Matsuoka fell silent The sun’s rays turned harsh, the shadows grew starker, and droplets of concentration forlass of iced tea When they had completely dried, Matsuoka finally opened his mouth
“Three months”
Hirosue lifted his face
“For threetoday―I’ll meet up with you if you happen to coed, I want this to be the end of it” After a slight pause, Matsuoka bowed his head “Please end it,” he repeated
Considering how Matsuoka had previously refused to see hirace period was a considerable concession
“But in turn, I won’t initiate contact at all,” Matsuoka said “I won’t be able to see you on weekdays because I’m busy at work I’ll turn you down on my days off, too, if I’”
Matsuoka’s tone was stiff
“―Also, I don’t want you to touch me I will absolutely not sleep with you to ‘try it out’ Those are my conditions”
Hirosue had no choice but to accept them To be honest, he did want to touch the un to acknowledge Matsuoka Now, he could perhaps touch him without an issue But there was no way he could override the man if he had already said no
Matsuoka heaved a long sigh before propping his elbows up on the table and resting his cheek on his hand Maybe he was regretting giving hirace period
But there was no time to be hesitant about that now Hirosue only had three s, he had no other way but to get to know the man
“Did anything change after I went back?”
“Not really,” Matsuoka murmured with his face down
“What about work?”
“It’s busy A whole slew of people in senior positions quit All the new people coht One of the-time client and ruined our contract ―Makes my head hurt”
Matsuoka abruptly lifted his head “Oh, fukuda quit”
“Huh?” Hirosue found hi?”
Matsuoka gave a wry sot fired because they found out he was e money”
Hirosue was surprised He knew fukuda had very specific likes and dislikes with people, and was also prone to thrusting blaht fukuda to lack even such basic ethics
“I guess they were sorting out financialthe company this year That’s probably when they found out Apparently he’d been doing it constantly for the past three years, so that was a pretty nasty deed”
It had only been fourTheir conversation lapsed Hirosue wondered what to say next as Matsuoka drained his lukewar iced tea A waitress came around to the outdoor tables
“Would you like anything else?” she asked as she took away Matsuoka’s glass Hirosue sed hard
Matsuoka ordered another of the saht Matsuoka would go ho his first drink, but he had ordered another one That meant he would stay with him until he finished it
Matsuoka fished out a cigarette from his jacket pocket and lit one He pulled the ashtray towards him
“You…” Hirosue began
Matsuoka lifted his slightly-bowed head
“You smoke a lot now, huh?”
“Well, yeah…”
“Did you always smoke that much?”
“I smoke more now than I used to ―There’s been a lot to be stressed out about lately”
Seeing Matsuoka s
“Could I have one?”
Matsuoka looked surprised “You smoke, too, Hirosue?”
“I only did a little bit after I started working”
Matsuoka opened his cigarette case and clicked his tongue “Sorry I’m out”
“The one you’re s?”
Matsuoka gave hiers The ashes fell onto the table
“I mean―but if you don’t want to, that’s fine,” Hirosue added
“I don’t mind”
Hirosue took the offered cigarette and took a drag He choked before he could taste anything, and he curled up hacking When his coughing finally settled down, he lifted his face to see Matsuoka laughing
“―No need for you to laugh,” Hirosue grumbled
Matsuoka’s shoulders still shook from his mirth “No, it’s just… I haven’t seen that in a while It reh school”
“High school? That ly
“Everyone tries it out around that ti unruffled
“I didn’t start until I was of age”
“You’re so straight-laced,” Matsuoka laughed again Hirosue felt sullen for being ridiculed, but at least Matsuoka was sarette back
“You finished already?” Matsuoka teased, then slowly brought it to his lips There was soarette that Hirosue unwittingly averted his gaze
“You don’t have to do things that don’t suit you,” Matsuoka e of the bitter, world-weary type who’d smoke up, anyway”
Matsuoka sarette until it was a small stub He took out his portable ashtray from his jacket pocket, and threw the butt inside Hirosue wondered why he would put it in there when there was an ashtray on the table
The buzzing of the cicadas grew louder
“It’s so hot…” Matsuoka gru the sweat off of his forehead with the back of his hand Hirosue thrust his hand inside his pocket He could feel a handkerchief When he pulled it out, it was very wrinkly and creased in strange places It wasn’t the , but at least it was laundered
“Here”
When he offered it to Matsuoka, the man tilted his head
“What?”
“I know it’s wrinkly, but it’s washed And I haven’t used it”
Matsuoka was staring intently at the handkerchief Soon, Hirosue began to feel e article Just as he tried to withdraw his hand, Matsuoka stuck his own out
“Let me borrow that” He refolded the handkerchief into a square, wiped his forehead, and put it down by his hand Then, he looked at his watch The gesture filled Hirosue with dread He wondered if Matsuoka would say he was going home
Matsuoka looked at Hirosue, then opened his mouth to speak
“…I’?”
They ended up whiling the time away at the cafe until four o’clock Even after he finished eating and the sun began to lean towards the west, Matsuoka still did not say he was going homented bursts about his current life, but he did notserious
Even when the hour approached for his scheduled bullet train, Hirosue still wanted to be with Matsuoka But he was also concerned about the ti at his watch often
“What time do you have to head home?” he asked
“Around five, I think”
“Shouldn’t you be on your way soon?”
At the h he had said he would pick up the tab, Matsuoka still paid for his portion in full
“Say, whereabouts did you move to?” Hirosue asked once they left the cafe Matsuoka widened his eyes in surprise
“How did you know I moved?”
“I went to your house once, but there was so there”
“Oh, I see,” Matsuoka murmured quietly, then told him where his new condo was It was a little east of Tokyo Station
“I’ on the bullet train froested, and Matsuoka was steered into a walk by his urging
They boarded a JR line so they wouldn’t have to transfer trains Their trip wasn’t long, but they decided to sit since there were open seats Matsuoka left a little bit of distance between them when he sat down
He stuck his fingers in his breast pocket and ruue softly
“Cigarettes?” Hirosue asked
“I forgot I was out of them Well, it’s not like I can sh
“The one I smoked at the cafe was your last one”
“Yup The one you choked on”
When Hirosue fell silent, Matsuoka snickered Back there, he had only forgotten the trick to it because he hadn’t smoked in a while If he’d had one or two more puffs…
Wait a minute, he realized Why had Matsuoka taken the trouble to put the last cigarette butt in his portable ashtray? Could it possibly be because Hirosue had smoked it―because he had put his mouth on it? Was that why Matsuoka had put it in the ashtray that he carried around instead of throwing it away?
Or he could simply have put it in his portable ashtray out of his usual habit But Matsuoka had thrown out all the other cigarettes he had smoked into the ashtray on the table But the one Hirosue had smoked, that was the only one that he―Hirosue felt his face suddenly burn as if it were set on fire He could feel the flush reach his ears, and he pressed his right hand to his face That cigarette, that butt which he had indirectly kissed―he hadn’t confirmed with Matsuoka yet, but he was sure he wasn’tso
Matsuoka was adorable Maybe it was the wrong word to use, but the , it made him tremble
“What’s wrong? Are you feeling sick?” the man said to him Hirosue hastily shook his head “Your face is red Maybe you’re starting to get a fever You did get wet in the rain last night, maybe that’s why…”
The man leaned in to peer at his face from below The man’s proximity made Hirosue blush even more with nervousness
“I-I’ back Matsuoka’s face stiffened as he quietly dreay Hirosue felt like his avoidance had hurt the man
“Oh―it’s not like I didn’t want you near ―”