Vol 1 Chapter 3 (2/2)

“Ms Eto”

He looked up as his na, but he didn’t try to avoid it His brain wasn’t functioning enough to tell hiainst his in a tranquil, gentle kiss Hirosue dreay once, then lovingly stroked Matsuoka’s cheek before kissing hiain

Matsuoka’s first kiss in a year felt good, to be truthful As he basked in being in Hirosue’s arers running through his hair His wig shi+fted backwards a little

Matsuoka tore the th as he could muster, and flen the stairs He wanted to fix his skeig, but he didn’t have a h he wished the man would leave him alone―

“Don’t run away, Ms Yoko”

He couldn’t run very quickly in heels Finally, around halfway down the platforht

“What I did was totally out of the blue I understand if you’re angry I’m sorry”

Matsuoka looked down so the man wouldn’t see his shi+fted hairline

“But I really do love you”

I get it Just leave me alone today No matter how much effort Matsuoka exerted to pry the Hirosue’s hands off of hith

He could sense the train co from far away Matsuoka azed intently at the pitiful entle lips The rip on Matsuoka’s hands loosened

As the man stood in stunned silence, Matsuoka dipped his head in a slight bow, shook off the hands that held his and jumped onto the train behind him The man did not come after him He only stood and stared in dumb shock at Matsuoka as the train took him further and further away

As soon as he was left alone on the train, Matsuoka felt a wave of eht up in the ht he would never see the day when he’d be kissing someone in a public place like a station platform Some people here probably witnessed the scene as well Unable to bear the aardness, Matsuoka fled two train cars to the front

His cheeks were strangely hot and his heart fluttered as he recalled the kiss He felt like he was going insane, and itthe arrival of a e It was definitely from Hirosue He was afraid to read it, yet couldn’t wait to; with these inexplicable, nebulous feelings swirling in his heart, he took out his cell phone

‘I want to see your face’

It wasn’t an apology, or even an excuse They were Hirosue’s honest feelings Matsuoka was unsure of how to reply, and he ended up arriving at his apart anything, he sat on the sofa in the living room and absently stared at the wall

The closed theument in the cafe, their bold kiss at the station―all of these things blended together as he reain It made him restless, but in no as it unpleasant In fact, it was the opposite

He knew this feeling―when someone was persistently on hishi his emotions precariously unstable…

Even if he were to go with the theory that this was love, there was still the fact that they were bothconfessed to so iven him a mistaken impression It had to be a mistaken impression, or else there was no way to explain the emotions he felt

His cell phone rang froe, and Matsuoka flinched so violently he surprised himself He hastily opened it

‘You can say anything Please just give me an answer’

He could feel the tension through the e-mail This man had never before sent two e- a reply The laws of their conversations were beginning to crumble Matsuoka wanted to answer, but he had no idea what to write, or how It wasn’t like he could say, ‘I’m actually a man, and Yoko Eto does not exist The person to whom you just made that spectacular confession of love is actually a man’ Absolutely no way As Matsuoka sat with folded ar hard, a third e-mail arrived

‘I’ret’

The pleading man was uncontrollably adorable No other words could describe what he felt now

‘Today…’

Matsuoka typed that ain, and it took him thirty minutes to write just a few lines of text

‘Today, I was caught by surprise a little, but it was fun Good night’

After sending the e- irrevocable But he had not lied in the words he had written

Even after he had showered, taken his makeup off, and stepped co about hi his lips over and over He was certainly going crazy

So him, and he felt like he knehy, yet he felt like he didn’t Matsuoka dealt with it by going to bed early But he was too excited to sleep, and he tossed and turned several times

Shallow sleep finally descended on Matsuoka, bringing hi face-to-face with Hirosue They weren’t talking, just standing Matsuoka was in male form, but he was still aware of the love and desire Hirosue harboured for him

He didn’t think it disturbing A thought rando to have sex with this man If he said he wanted to, would I?

He did feel like he wanted to see what kind of body Hirosue had His broad chest had been very co when he was embraced earlier

―I bet he’s gentle with sex, too Even in his dream, Matsuoka was almost sure of it

When Hirosue said he wanted tohe shouldn’t do But every day, he continued to receive giddy, fervent e- yearning in his heart It was like he was falling in love, too Is it love? No; they’re just hts alternately flitted through his heart When it came down to it, even Matsuoka himself could not tell which one was correct

On the ot an e-mail from Hirosue after his wake-up call

‘I’ll be waiting at the clock tower in front of shi+moda Station on the Hiwasa subway line at seven o’clock this evening If you don’t want to come, you don’t have to But I have to take some sort of action, or else I can’t sit still’

For the whole day, even at work, Matsuoka’s o, but if he didn’t, Hirosue would probably keep waiting in front of the station The thought of it pained him That hy he had written an e-mail back

‘I have an errand to run today, so I won’t be able to go’

If he told Hirosue it was an errand, he figured the , either He had sent the e- time

Matsuoka ate out for dinner, and boarded the train He waited and waited, but there was no reply froot off at shi+moda Station It was seven-thirty

He had guessed right: Hirosue was standing before the clock tower in front of the station Matsuoka hid himself in the shadows and typed an e-mail

‘I’ht now I’ain when I get home’

After he sent it, there was a short ti before he saw Hirosue reach into his suit pocket to pull out his cell phone Surely this was enough tothe e-mail, Hirosue did not move from the front of the clock tower

He had told the o He’d sent e-? Matsuoka rapped his heel against the pavement in frustration

If this is what it’s coht here, right now, I’ll tell that guy: Yoko Eto doesn’t exist She was et a load offpervert

Matsuoka exited the station and slowly approached Hirosue at the clock tower The ain Matsuoka had e failed hi around to the opposite side, pretending to wait for someone as well

He told hio up to him He brooded seriously over whether his first words would be “good evening” or “let me introduceit to buy himself time

Just go hoes to the ain from behind the clock tower, but the shadow behind hie

A droplet hit his cheek It was rain As he looked up at the sky, it began to rain harder The people around him naturally quickened their steps Matsuoka made a hurried run towards the station entrance

Hirosue did notdown in torrents, he still stood there looking at his feet The et his from the sheltered station entrance But the man did not move

As rab the man’s hand and take him out of the rain, because he wasn’t dressed as a woman He wasn’t Yoko Eto

Don’t let ht His chest throbbed painfully, and he felt like he was being crushed by guilt, or by so he couldn’t put a name to

‘Please just go home’ He sent the e- into itation was almost pitiful as he walked around the clock tower―round and round, over and over again, like a dog After thirty minutes of that, Hirosue finally cahly he was a ht past Matsuoka, his downcast face pale and bloodless, his appearance that of a dead man

Once Hirosue was out of sight, Matsuoka wept a little Maybe I’ve actually becoht Maybe I’ve actually fallen in love with him

Matsuoka walked in the pouring rain without even opening an u, which e to the passersby, for he could clearly feel their eyes on him

The interested gazes of those around hi himself in the sa, but he felt so lowly of himself that he couldn’t let himself be otherwise

By the time he reached his apartment, the rain had washed away his body heat, and he was shi+vering He put his cell phone, which was powered off, onto the table, and shut himself in the bathroom

Even inside the bath, his head hung low He thought over and over of the ht hard What could he have done? Was there so else he could have done back there?

Hirosue had heedlessly waited despite Matsuoka telling hio Wasn’t this partly Hirosue’s fault, too? But of course, there was no answer, and Matsuoka was still feeling depressed when he got out of the bath He towelled his hair as he returned to the living room, where “it” elbowed its way into his vision He had turned the power off in avoidance It was proof that he was running away from the problem

It’s not my fault, Matsuoka told himself as he picked up his cell phone When he turned the power on, an e- from Hirosue, as he expected

‘If you came, why didn’t you show yourself to me?’

He had told the o Hirosue was the one who had chosen to wait anyway, and Matsuoka felt like he had no right to be blamed for that

‘If I’m a nuisance, and you don’t want to see ht If you tell ain’

His choices were laid out before him Continue or quit I should just say I hate him and send it off Then, Hirosue would keep his proain

Even if his relationshi+p with Hirosue ended here, it was just a ain as Yosuke Matsuoka

But Matsuoka didn’t hate theso, so he lied and wrote in the e-et about the person he loved He tried to press “send”, but hesitated If he sent this e-e made him waver, and in the end his indecision prevented hi it

Matsuoka was beco for Hirosue’s sake, or for his own?

The shopping district was bustling on weekdays, but today the streets and footsteps of the people seemed noisier and more restless than usual Perhaps it was because they had passedthe end of the year

It was a ten-minute walk from the office to the izakaya He had kept both hands in his coat pockets, but by the tiertips were chilled to the bone

Matsuoka ducked through the navy-blue half-curtains of the restaurant at past eight in the evening, and was“Welcome, come on in!”

“Good evening,” he answered with an aaze rove around the restaurant It was quite crowded inside, but “he” was nowhere to be seen again today

A sigh spilled fro of disappointment He couldn’t just turn around and walk back out because the man wasn’t here, so he took off his coat and sat at the only counter seat that was open He chose a random assortment of snack foods and quietly drank beer

He came here almost every day, but he had yet to see the e of workplace had made it harder for him to frequent this restaurant But Matsuoka couldn’t think of any other point of contact with Hirosue other than thisizakaya It if was before Hirosue was transferred, he h fukuda, as in the same department But now Hirosue worked in a laboratory that was far away and had no contact with the sales departy Matsuoka could co here for him so he could start a conversation

Every tiaze darting towards it like a knee-jerk reaction

“Are you waiting for soer in her sixties She offered hi with a smile

“Not really,” he said as he took the plate from her The fried fish was flavourful and delicious He heard the door rattling open again, but this ti disappointed so many times

‘If I’m a nuisance, I want you to say so’―the e-mail from Hirosue on that rainy day was his last It had been teeks since then, but he had still not heard from the man Matsuoka’s reply had also been left unsent

As long as Matsuoka refrained fro the man, Hirosue and Yoko Eto’s relationshi+p would eventually fade out by itself This was precisely his chance to get to know the man as himself, as Yosuke Matsuoka―but there was no way to meet him in person With Yoko Eto, it would only have taken one e-―both the fact itself and the fact that he was thinking this way

“Could I have rilled rice balls, and seared moray eel, please?”

Matsuoka’s heart stopped He al the voice so close by He was sitting there on the far end of the counter, with two guests between theo

“It’s been a long time, hasn’t it, Mr Hirosue?” the owner of the restaurant said to him Hirosue propped his elbows up on the counter and smiled in a tired way

“I was transferred recently My neorkplace is pretty far, and I haven’t been able to make it here much I came here today because I happened to have business with headquarters, and then I started craving your fish, mister”

“It hed

“I think everyone has a tough tiet some hot sake, please?”

Hirosue was pouring hio with the appetizers The ht beside hie to talk to him He felt powerless and irritated If their seats were beside each other, at least, he would be able to casually turn and say, “Hey, aren’t we from the same company?”―but they weren’t The two men who for

“Mr Hirosue, it really has been a while,” said the feer as she placed themiso soup and rice balls in front of Hirosue “We haven’t seen irl with you, so bothabout how you probably don’t eat out anymore because she cooks for you”

Hirosue gave a rueful smile “She dumped me,” he said

“My, I’ her eyes

“You don’t need to feel bad She was really beautiful and kind I didn’t deserve someone like her”

“You’ll find soer consoled him I didn’t really dump him,Matsuoka mentally said as an excuse, but he couldn’t deny that their relationshi+p was all but over

The restaurant filled up and became crowded and noisy before he could find a chance to talk to Hirosue It was getting harder to hear people’s voices

“It’s al a conversation with the custorandchildren are twins, both born on Dece theether, but they insisted on getting separate presents for each occasion And since they’re twins, you have two presents tiine how hard it is”

As the nation, Hirosue spoke up from beside her

“My birthday’s on the 24th, too”

The er turned around

“What a coincidence,” she said, blinking in surprise

“When I was a kid, I couldn’t stand having theet separate cakes for your birthday and Christet one When you’re a kid, these kinds of things are a huge deal”

“Oh, I know My grandchildren were saying the sa”

The conversation between Hirosue, the custoh Matsuoka continued to look out for a chance, he was unable to insert himself into their conversation Before he could initiate any action, Hirosue asked for the bill, got up, and walked towards the cash register

After paying for his er, said “It was delicious,” then walked out of the restaurant As if to follow after him, Matsuoka also paid his bill and left the restaurant, but by the time he stepped out, Hirosue was a considerable distance away

Matsuoka was surprised at his walking speed When they had strolled together on their date, he’d never gotten the i like a worker ant, and by the tiht up, they were more than halfway there to the station already

Now, Matsuoka’s next challenge was starting a conversation with a e to come up from behind him and suddenly say, “You’re from the same company, aren’t you? We were actually in the sa at the station before he could ht a ticket and descended the stairs to the platform

Theline on the platforht his breath behind him Just as he said “Excuseits warning siren After the roaring ceased, Matsuoka called out again, now past the point of caring

“Excuse me!”

“Yes?” Thehis face made Matsuoka realize for the first time now unnaturally loud his voice had been It was alht

“Can I help you?”

He had spoken to the man, and he had received a reply That was all it was; yet, Matsuoka was tongue-tied Panic raced through his whole body, and sweat poured fro s came out His mind was blank as if it had been washed clean

“Is there so I can help you with?” he was asked

“U out “You’re… we’re in the same company, aren’t we?”

Hirosue gazed intently at Matsuoka’s face, then tilted his head “Do you work at Koishi+kawa Laboratory?”

“Oh, no I work at headquarters”

“Oh, I see,” said Hirosue, but he still seemed to be mystified as to why Matsuoka had spoken to him

“I’m in the Sales depart copies a while ago, do you remember? I happened to spot you at the izakaya today, and I realized you were from that time…”

He could hear the click-clack of the approaching train It grew louder and louder Some moments after the first car passed the squeal of its brakes before it came to a stop

“I’m really sorry, but I, er, can’t seem to remember your face You remind me of soetically “I’m really sorry”

His gaze flicked to the train as he apologized Matsuoka could tell froet on the train He couldn’t hold up a ave his best sales smile

“No, that’s alright Don’t feel bad about it”

“Goodbye, then”

The door closed just as the h the train , and when their eyes htly

As Matsuoka watched the train grow smaller into the distance, he was overcome with a sense of fruitlessness If Yoko Eto had been the one standing here, Hirosue probably would not have gotten on the train, even if he told him to

He walked over to the platfor on He sat on the bench, and ht

Hirosue had noticed that he and Yoko Eto looked alike, but he probably didn’t even dream that they were the same person Undoubtedly, that possibility had never even occurred to him

Matsuoka cradled his head in his hands He had no idea what he could do to get to know him The man had said he barely came to that restaurant anymore; hoas he supposed to create opportunities to bump into him by chance? Stake him out at the laboratory? It was impossible to visit such a faraway place almost every day Then, stake him out and catch him on his way home? Their train lines ran in opposite directions Maybe he could stake out a convenience store near Hirosue’s apartment―

But even if they beca would it take for him to reach the same level of intimacy as Yoko Eto?

If Yoko Eto had wanted to see Hirosue, one e-ht the reeted Matsuoka with a joyful smile when he came