Vol 1 Chapter 3 (1/2)

They resuain Hirosueto see him, either Matsuoka’s initial reaction to that statement had been to cut ties with him completely, which was probably why Hirosue was reluctant to repeat it again

One Friday about a month after Hirosue’s farewell party, Matsuoka had arrived ho e-es went back and forth like a conversation Unlike before, Hirosue now confided in Matsuoka about his work He see in at his neorkplace “I’h,” he often repeated in his e-mails But it wasn’t a problem of mindfulness; the real problem was probably the overly-specialized laboratory environ he knew the internal affairs of the company So he had no choice but to button his lip and listen to what Hirosue said He could tell fro all the blame on himself for the rocky social conditions with his co-workers Hirosue’s self-reproach seeped through the lines and filled Matsuoka with pain Matsuoka also found it hard endure the brutally-truthful way he called himself incompetent If only he could unload some of the blame on others―maybe complain about how his boss seemed to have a stick up his ass―then, perhaps it would take some stress off of his shoulders But Hirosue didn’t seem like the type to do that If he even had a little bit of the thick skin that fukuda has, Matsuoka thought in frustration

The topic of work made Hirosue’s e-looe up the conversation

‘Did you hear it’s supposed to be sunny tomorrow?’ he wrote

‘Do you have any plans?’ was Hirosue’s reply

‘I’ll probably just laze around at home,’ Matsuoka answered The next e-mail came after some time

‘Then would you like to go out somewhere with me?’

Matsuoka instantly regretted it It would sound too deliberate now if he said, ‘I’o out tomorrohen he had just proclaimed himself free

Matsuoka agonized over his decision If he said no now, he felt like he would hurt thewould be unnatural After thinking and thinking and thinking some more, he finally sent a reply

‘Where will you take me?’

He sent the e-mail with a concrete resolve and ain

Less than a iddy reply

‘Where would you like to go? Do you have any requests?’

‘I’ll leave it up to you, Mr Hirosue,’ he replied

After e-reed toHe would probably be with Hirosue until evening It was going to be his first ti stretch of the day in crossdressed form with Hirosue Matsuoka had his fears about accidentally using his voice, or about his wig falling off, but it was no use thinking of that stuff now

Matsuoka banished the elements of anxiety from his mind and cli skin He simply could not let himself be seen if his makeup didn’t blend with his skin properly

The weather forecast betrayed the the Matsuoka and Hirosue stood stunned in front of the gates of the enormous amusement park Matsuoka had noticed how e a Saturday, and had also found it strange that there were so few people heading towards the gates But he had assumed it was because of the rain

He hadn’t even iined that the park would be closed on Saturdays Matsuoka was surprised, but Hirosue seemed to be even n, he froze on the spot and stopped ether

“I’ized in such a barely audible whisper that Matsuoka hastily scribbled, ‘It’s alright Don’t worry about it,’ on a note On their way back to the station directly connected to the amusement park, Hirosue kept his head down and barely spoke When he opened his y It was unbearable to see Hirosue swa

They had talked about so s on the train ride here, but the ride back was silent Matsuoka thought of any way he ht lift Hirosue’s spirits

‘Let’s play King’ Matsuoka showed him the note, and Hirosue lifted his face ‘We’ll play rock-paper-scissors, and the winner gets to be King for the day The King’s commands are absolute, and you have to obey them no matter what’

Hirosue finally smiled a little

“If I won I’d be King, but if you won I guess you would be Queen”

Matsuoka sht hand into a loose fist and raised it to chest-level

“Are we playing already?”

When Matsuoka nodded, Hirosue closed his right hand in the same way On the same beat, they revealed their hands on one, two, three Matsuoka won

“What shall I do for you, Your Majesty?” Hirosue said jokingly

‘When we get back to the station, I want to eat pasta I know a good place – can we go there?’ Matsuoka wrote

“As you wish, Your Majesty” Hirosue bowed his head humbly

‘And after lunch, let’s go to a hair salon’

Hirosue read the note “A hair salon?” he echoed Matsuoka only smiled and didn’t say any more

Hirosue looked flustered, but Matsuoka was rather enjoying himself After they dined on pasta, Matsuoka took Hirosue to a stylish salon He worried about whether they could get a seat without an appointment, but apparently there had been a cancellation due to the rain They ended up being able to secure an appointment for a haircut and colour

Matsuoka gave a light flutter of his right hand as Hirosue was hauled off to the shampoo station with a dubious look on his face While theshaue and decided on a colour He picked a dark brown that wasn’t too flashy, and a haircut that was on the shorter side, with airy ends which allowed for movement

While Hirosue was getting his hair cut and dyed, Matsuoka passed the ti at the rain outside, and observing Hirosue’s anxious face as he sat before thewas finished Hirosue’s professionally-styled hair was voluminous but clean-cut, and

Matsuoka knew his eyes hadn’t deceived hi as he did soht They had even done Hirosue’s eyebrohich h

When Hirosue fretted about payment, Matsuoka handed him a note that said, ‘I’m the Queen today, so don’t you worry about it,’ and ushered hi le store that lined it, and

They entered a glasses store even though both of theood vision They fooled around and tried nulasses, heedless of the unimpressed look on the salesperson’s face A pair of sleek, thin-fralasses alone were enough to give him the aura of a fashi+on-savvy man Matsuoka wondered if he wouldn’t buy them, even just as an accessory, but Hirosue did not spend his money on such trifles

Next, they entered a brand-name shop that specialized in men’s apparel Matsuoka shopped froly affordable and had a good selection of casual wear

In fact, one thing had been on his , and that was Hirosue’s clothes A suit made every man look presentable, with personal clothes that was not so There wasn’t a h the clothes you hen off work Hirosue’s taste, to put itHis thick checkered shi+rt was faded and wrinkled, and the T-shi+rt he wore underneath orn out On top of that, his beige cotton pants had pleats in the front and back, creating a shapeless silhouette that wasMatsuoka had alondered why Hirosue wore trousers aiures when he was thin enough to pull off a slim pair Matsuoka took various shi+rts and jackets and held them up to Hirosue’s chest like he would a mannequin Soon, he found a khaki-coloured zip-up jacket that was perfect for the season

It looked so good he alood on Hirosue, too Matsuoka chose the jacket and a dark pair of jeans and led therooms

“Would you like to try those on?” an associate asked

“Um,” mumbled the man incoherently Matsuoka handed him the clothes he had chosen and flashed him a smile

“Is it okay if I just see how they look on ave hirin

“Please,” he said

Hirosue ca rooin with, his legs looked longer when he wore a siave him a polished air

“It looks very nice on you,” the associate enthused, seizing his chance to shower him with compliments Hirosue didn’t seem to think it was too bad, either

“I don’t own any jeans, actually, and this isthis type of jacket”

“If you don’t own anything like this, I’d urge you to take this opportunity to add to your wardrobe You can wear jeans year-round, and you’ll be able to wear this jacket across many seasons, except the middle of winter and the heat of the summer”

Hirosue looked at Matsuoka “How do I look?”

‘Fabulous,’ he wrote on the man’s hand Hirosue’s face turned brick red as he watched Matsuoka write

“You like it?”

Matsuoka nodded enthusiastically

“Then I’ll take the set, please”

“Thank you,” the sales associate said with a grin, and bowed his head deeply Matsuoka pulled Hirosue back as he headed towards the fitting rooain The man cocked his head at him, and Matsuoka wrote, ‘Keep them on for our date’

They put Hirosue’s own clothes in the store’s paper bag and left the shop Before, when they walked side by side, people had usually turned around to look at Matsuoka Now, he could sense people staring at Hirosue as well It was understandable: Hirosue now looked unbelievably refined and handsoht their reflections likelike this

They reached the end of the shopping h The rain stubbornly refused to let up, and since they wanted to avoid the hassle of walking through it, they entered a nearby building instead It contained brand-name shops for female apparel, and on the second floor they found a co cafe

They chose a seat by theand sat down across from each other Hirosue let out a breath

‘I’ you around like that You ently handed him the note Hirosue shook his head

“No, I’ave him a smile “I was able to buy the kind of clothes I’d usually never wear I felt like I was discovering a new side to ”

Matsuoka wished today would inspire Hirosue to take an interest in fashi+on Woetting about Matsuoka But on the other hand, Matsuoka felt reluctant to hand Hirosue over to a girl for nothing when he had put in sothis man handsome

He heard a child’s voice, and glanced over to see a girl about three years old tottering down the aisle with an ice creaht brown hair and fair skin gave her a doll-like appearance

She was so adorable, she turned the heads of azed at her absently When the girl reached their table, she dropped a pink coin purse withacross her shoulder She bent down to pick it up, and before Matsuoka could voice a warning, she tu a smear of ice cream below the knee of Hirosue’s brand-new jeans

The little girl sat up Her face crurimace before she burst into loud tears Unsure of what to do, Matsuoka took a sweeping glance around hi for her mother

“Don’t cry, it’ll be alright” Hirosue stood up froirl and patted her head When she wouldn’t stop crying, he scooped her up in a familiar fashi+on

“Alrighty, where’s youretically to hiht, Hirosue wiped the hem of his pants with a et towel His jacket was also soiled fro to his chest

As for the man himself, he didn’t seem to mind the stain

“She was cute, wasn’t she?” he reflected mildly He didn’t seem to notice the stain on his chest Too iot up from his chair and rubbed at Hirosue’s jacket with his oet cloth

Once the stain had soht redAll I did was get close to hiht idly, then slid back into his seat across

“Thank you,” Hirosue smiled, his face still red

‘You’re good with kids,’ Matsuoka wrote and showed him

“Ah, well,” Hirosue said, raking the back of his freshly-barbered head “My older brother’s child is around that age I always play with hio back to e, so it’s heartwar just to spend time with them”

‘You’re a kind man, Mr Hirosue’

After reading the note, Hirosue laughed bitterly in self-scorn

“I’m actually not at all”

Matsuoka hadn’t meant to tease him; he honestly did feel that way Confused at Hirosue’s unexpected response, Matsuoka added to his note and handed it back

‘You helped me that time, too’

Hirosue looked at the note and turned his face doards

“I only lent you my shoes And you returned my money”

‘But you were the only one who approached me that time, Mr Hirosue’

The man across froret his pretence of being mute as much as he did now If only he could speak―then, he would be able to urge the man on and carry their conversation at a brisker tempo

“I only approached you the second time I saw you”

I know that already You don’t have to tell me

“The first tio up to you I ith people from ue against the attime until I could talk to you”

Hirosue looked at Matsuoka

“A kind person in the real sense would probably have approached you the first tihts or hesitated like I did I’m actually not a kind person at all”

Matsuoka knehat theto say But it rankled him for reasons he didn’t know

‘Who are you trying to be? God?’

Hirosue looked surprised at the contents of the note

“God…?”

‘Aren’t you? Because what you did was perfectly nor on the ground and you didn’t approach her because you didn’t want to get involved in trouble, that’s perfectly nornored you I would have had nothing to do with you’

It was incredibly frustrating to have to write everything dohen Matsuoka knew that, in spoken words, he would have gotten across immediately

‘No one likes hassles You were aware of that, but you still came up to me That’s why I was so touched Whether you did it earlier or later is nothing to beat yourself up about It’s soto hear you talk like that It makes you seem fake’

Hirosue’s face tensed up before his eyes as he read the note

‘I’troubleso like that?’

“I didn’t mean…”

Matsuoka shook his head

‘Why don’t you be , just say so That’s part of being human Why don’t you accept that?’

Hirosue hung his head Watching thewhy he was so riled up Hirosue was not guilty at all In fact, thehier―have to repriht to think it unfair

A little while after their conversation lapsed, the waitress approached them and asked them if she could take the cups away The coffee shop was starting to get crowded

“Should we leave?” Hirosue said to him, and Matsuoka nodded

They left the coffee shop and paused at the exit of the shopping mall They had no further plans from here

“Let’s call it a day, then?” Hirosue suggested gloo but nod They opened their umbrellas and walked in the rain As he watched theat his whole body Hirosue was kind, considerate man with firm morals, innocence, and sincerity Matsuoka knew that Then, what had caused him be so harsh to that man? He pondered over the roots of his actions

To his colleague, fukuda, for exaht If he spoke the truth to a man like hi to suit his own purposes, their friendshi+p would never work out The reality was that, as long as you knew the trick to getting along, you could keep up endless superficial relations with any kind of prick

The words that Matsuoka had written on his earlier notes were his honest thoughts Those feelings were deeper than simply “like” and “dislike”, and Matsuoka had been compelled to put them into words

When they arrived at the station, they bought tickets and found out they were going in total opposite directions Once they descended the stairs going underground, Hirosue would take the stairs in the far end to get on his side, and Matsuoka would take the stairs closer to theoing down to their respective platforms

“Thank you for coht fro”

If Matsuoka hadn’t unleashed a one-sided attack on the man, perhaps this would have ended as a fun date Hirosue’s eyes reaze From his attitude, he appeared to think Matsuoka hated hi before they parted, at least, or else he felt like the onize about it endlessly

‘I like people who are kind’

The man stared at the note that Matsuoka had passed hiht

‘And I like people who strive to be kind’

Hirosue lifted his face and se of tears At his steady gaze, Matsuoka felt his heart stir

“I can’t drive” With the abrupt statehtly “When I was in university, I caused an accident I hit a high-school student riding a bike Fortunately that student wasn’t hurt badly, but ever since then I’ve been too afraid to drive It scared me how easy it was to hurt others, that I’d caused harm―since then, I just haven’t been able to drive a car”

Matsuoka didn’t knohat Hirosue was trying to get at

“I’uy I know really well that I aood at talking to people All the wo”

That wasn’t Hirosue’s fault; hisin love with the kind of women ould say that ―Matsuoka wished he could say so, but he couldn’t

“That’s why―since you can’t talk, I figured you wouldn’t ood at conversation,” he blurted

The man’s bare confession took Matsuoka by surprise

“You’re free to think of me as a cruel man But I will still tell you the truth”

His grip tightened around Matsuoka’s hands so fiercely it hurt

“Even with your speech handicap, you’re still a cheerful person, and you’re not afraid of giving your honest opinions You’re a grounded, ―completely different from me”

Matsuoka gulped loudly He couldn’t avert his gaze from the man’s earnest eyes

“I love you”

For some reason, the confession made him feel dizzy

“It’s probably unwanted trouble for you, but I still want to say it I love you”

Matsuoka’s heart was racing Although he knew those words were e feeling He had been confessed to once before, but right noas different Today, it was completely different

“I don’t want to let you go home,” Hirosue said in a strained voice “I don’t anyone else to see you or touch you I want to take you home and cherish you, and make you mine Only mine”

In the nextdrawn into an embrace He could smell hair product from the nape of the man’s neck