Vol 1 Chapter 4 (1/2)

Everywhere he went, he heard so Everyone on the streets seemed restless in anticipation

Matsuoka boarded a subway that connected directly to the underground level of a departes His fur-triure, even in his own opinion Already, two men had tried to strike up a conversation with him while he waited for the train

It was not quite peak hour yet, but the train was still rather crowded Apart fro, which contained a gift he’d just bought After debating a great deal over what to get, he had ended up getting gloves They were siloves, thin but very warreatly subject to personal taste, but Matsuoka felt people tended to have less preferences with gloves Black gloves, in particular, would be easy to co-ordinate with anything

As he cast his gaze across the boring scenery out the sub, Matsuoka sighed for another countless ti Hirosue at the station, he hadn’t seen theout the station closest to Hirosue’s apartment, either, presumably because of the man’s erratic work hours Matsuoka had his oork, so he wasn’t always able to stake out the station at the saravated him until his impatience reached its peak

Before he knew it, it was Christift; that was his only reason for crossdressing today He si about ould follow afterwards

He got off at the nearest station to Hirosue’s apartates It was seven in the evening, but there were no lights on in Roo made sure Hirosue wasn’t hoain and waited in front of the ticket gates for Hirosue to coh He knew he could have waited at the man’s apartment, but he wouldn’t be able to explain himself if Hirosue asked how he knew the address That hy Matsuoka was going to feign a chance ift, he would explain that he initially got it froloves Maybe it was rude to re-gift, but he didn’t want to give Hirosue false hopes by saying he bought them himself

Even though Matsuoka had planned to get rid of Yoko Eto co her existence to his advantage He kneas being contradictory, but he couldn’t help it

He heard a joyful exclamation beside hi Though the air had been uncannily cold since this , he hadn’t expected it to snow

He ad was brief As the evening wore on and the bustle gradually died out, Matsuoka began to feel anxious Hirosue was bound to co here But even after two hours, there were no signs of hione to the man’s apartment once and h the station to get home

He has to be co, Matsuoka told himself, but froze the next moment as realization dawned on hi his birthday with soirlfriend, maybe a friend If so, he would probably not come home for some time, and if he did, there was a chance he would use some other mode of transportation

Matsuoka hastily headed back towards Hirosue’s apart The aparted as he realized thethe train

Now the option of feigning coincidence was out of the question Matsuoka was at his wit’s end If he visited Hirosue just to give hiive the et the wrong idea if he found out the gift was from him

He could hang the gift on Hirosue’s doorknob and go hon it with a name, the man would probably be more suspicious than happy Matsuoka arrived in front of Hirosue’s door, still unable to come to a decision There was a doorbell, but he couldn’t push it Matsuoka quietly drew closer, and heard the sounds of the TV playing inside

TheFive minutes Ten minutes After much internal debate, Matsuoka took out his notebook On a blank page, he wrote, ‘A present for you -Yoko’

“Ms Yoko?”

Matsuoka whipped around in surprise Hirosue was standing there, wearing a black sweatshi+rt and sweatpants A convenience-store bag dangled fronored theht Hirosue was inside

“It is you, Ms Yoko” His look of astonishht of it made Matsuoka’s heart race

“You knehere I live?”

There was no way he could say he had followed the e over and thought of an excuse

‘An acquaintance of limpse of you’

Hirosue read the note “I see,” he

“What’s this?”

Matsuoka showed hi “a present for you”

“But why?”

‘For your birthday,’ Matsuoka added Hirosue stared at the note, then lifted his face

“Thank you,” he said, but his hands did not uess Ithe way, didn’t I? I’hts are enough”

Matsuoka bit his lip lightly He thrust the gift out

“I’etting it, but I don’t want any physical objects from you”

Matsuoka hung the bag on the doorknob, then slipped past Hirosue Just as he was about to go down the stairs, theit hurt

“What’s going on in your mind?” the man asked, his face contorted in desperation “You stopped answering et you I had toup now? Why are you giving es on your every whim It’s like I’m on an emotional roller coaster, and I can’t stand it”

Matsuoka struggled when he felt hier than him

“I love you”

Matsuoka felt faint as he was embraced

“You know that, don’t you?” In words Hirosue reproached him, but with his arrip At the sound of footsteps cohtened up With a firht wrist, he picked up the convenience-store bag he had dropped in front of the door and fished out a key from the pocket of his sweats

A young lance at Matsuoka and Hirosue in passing Matsuoka was struck with fear as he realized he was going to be dragged inside Things would get too risky if they were alone together

The door opened Matsuoka pulled his right hand away, trying to shake free, but he was drawn closer with twice as h-heels made him unsteady on his feet, and he teetered precariously He was taken inside, still entrapped in the man’s arms

He sensed theto kiss him on the doorstep, and averted his face The man didn’t try to kiss hi coet carried away enough to drag Matsuoka in, but now he seemed to be confused about what to do

“Please come in I hope you’ll excuse the mess…”

There wasn’t much point to the invitation, since Matsuoka had already been dragged in

“I won’t do anything to you,” he added, as if sensing Matsuoka’s concern His handcuff-like fingers fell away Now, it was up to Matsuoka’s free will If he wanted to go home, he just had to walk out the door If he wanted to stay, he could do that, too

He could hear the sounds of the TV further inside the room The muted chatter of it made the tense situation seem ridiculous

Matsuoka opened the door and stepped outside first The gift was still hanging froain Hirosue

didn’t even try to s like he was about to cry

In the crahtly and took off his shoes When he entered the aparthly four-square-metre room had a futon still laid out in a corner and a kotatsu in the centre It was certainly far frons of everyday life all over the place

Matsuoka sat in front of the kotatsu When he stuck his feet inside, the heat enveloped his extremities Hirosue stood vacantly at the entrance for a while, but eventually cah this was his own apartment

“I’ up tangerine peels froe

There was nothing eye-catching in the roos with i Hirosue duck his head in aard nervousness

“U?” Hirosue busily went to the kitchen and put the kettle on Even though the water was far frole step away froe

“I hope you don’t mind instant coffee”

The coffee placed before him smelled the same as the instant coffee that was always served for afternoon break at his work It was unremarkable in both smell and taste, but it still warmed him up

“Are you hungry?” Hirosue asked fro the coffee he had poured for himself

‘A little,’ he replied truthfully on paper As soon as he handed it over, the an to panic

“I have rice balls from the convenience store Is that okay with you?”

Fro, he took out an assorted rice balls, salad, stewed vegetables, and boiled greens with dressing Although Matsuoka was hungry, he was reluctant to eat as clearly intended to be Hirosue’s dinner

‘But this is your dinner, isn’t it?’ he wrote, but the man hastily shook his head

“That’s alright,” he said “I’rowled plaintively as soon as the words were out of histhat well,” he said lamely

Since he couldn’t steal a hungry man’s dinner, Matsuoka wrote him a note

‘I’ll go out and buy so’

The o,” he blurted “I really don’t want it Please, eat this”

Hirosue was reluctant to let hio out and buy so for Matsuoka himself Matsuoka wondered why Hirosue didn’t want to leave his apart: Hirosue wasn’t reluctant about leaving his apart Matsuoka alone

‘Let’s each have half, then,’ Matsuoka suggested as a compromise Hirosue still insisted he didn’t want any, but Matsuoka ignored hian to eat his portion, and Hirosue hesitated before starting on his own Once they finished their meal, Hirosue cleaned off the table in a spirited bustle The TV was showcasing a gorgeous display of Christhts

‘Take a look at the present’

Hirosue had sat back down across fro the note, he reached over to the paper bag and pulled it closer He peeled each piece of tape off the package with great care When the gloves appeared, a natural sertips as if to savour the feel of the leather, and then put theers

“They’re so warloves? I feel like they’re too good to wear”

‘Nonsense Please wear them often’

Thepresentation was over, silence fell again

“Oh, would you like soerines? My parents sent the for an answer, the erines from the cardboard box in a corner of the room and placed them on the table

To be truthful, the h to fill Matsuoka up He helped hierines as if toChrist ould be the right tio home

It wasn’t like he wanted to go home, but he also did feel like he wasn’t allowed to be here for long Halfway through his third tangerine, he felt a pair of eyes on him Suddenly, he beca the food to his lips as easily as he had just o

He sensed the uard Hirosue caether Matsuoka thought he would say so, but Hirosue only stared at the floor and did not open his mouth

“I feel like I have a pedigreed cat in ood for the place” The words, when they finally came, were abstract “I feel like you shouldn’t be here after all”

He fully illed for soed him into his apartment The man slowly looked up at the wall

“The last train leaves in thirty minutes”

Matsuoka felt like he was being told to go hoot up

“What? What’s wrong? Are you going home?”

Now Matsuoka was confused at being held back Isn’t that why you told o home? He was the one that wanted to ask

“But if you want to go home, I can’t hold you back―” His pitiful face said he didn’t want Matsuoka to go Matsuoka sat back down, unable to fathom Hirosue’s intentions

Hirosue placed both hands on the floor and slowly crawled his way closer to Matsuoka Even when they were nose-to-nose, Matsuoka didn’t try to get away; he had seen Hirosue’s face―and the man looked like he was about to cry They bumped noses on their first kiss It was unbelievably cluh

They shared one chaste kiss, their lips ainst each other’s It was a childish kiss, but Matsuoka’s ears still burned They kissed for a second time, then a third

On the fourth, the man touched his hair, which ave hi on top of thekotatsu

‘I don’t like people touching my hair,’ he wrote When he picked the book up to show Hirosue, he felt a presence behind him Before he could turn around, he was embraced from behind

He nearly let out a voice He felt thearms were crossed over Matsuoka’s abdos

He felt a wet sensation on his neck He didn’t feel pain fro kiss, but it made his heart flutter He felt the hand on his belly slowly creeping up his side, and he hastily wrote, ‘Don’t,’ on a note This ti his hipbone and stroked his thigh Matsuoka grabbed thehand

Once he was refused, Hirosue didn’t try to touch hiain But since there was no restriction on kisses, he kissed Matsuoka many, many times

Their gazes were interlocked like lovers Hirosue certainly wasn’t a handsome man, but the more Matsuoka looked at him, the more attractive he seemed to become He was overcome with dizziness as his own mind deceived him

“It’s past twelve,” o home now”

If Matsuoka really wanted to go home, it didn’t have to be on the last train He could still take a taxi There were other ways It didn’t matter whether the last train had left or not But the o home

“I want you to stay with htened his ar to you… please, just until …”

Matsuoka exhaled quietly Maybe he wouldn’t stay for the whole night, but he felt like there would be no harm if he stayed until the man was satisfied

When Matsuoka woke up, it was past six in thesky was still dim, and he was in Hirosue’s arms The blanket draped over him was heavy and s on tata, because he had been in the man’s embrace this whole ti up

Matsuoka lifted half of his body off the floor and stroked the ather in his lower half Overco, Matsuoka kissed the man’s cheek Hirosue had rown one no further than hold the wo

Matsuoka kissed theup his purse He left a note,home, and headed to the door Suddenly, he heard a noisy shuffle fro after him, his eyes still bleary

“Ms Yoko!”

His hair was a mess and his eyelids were swollen with sleep

“A―Are you going home?”

Matsuoka nodded silently When the ht hand

‘The trains have started to run now’

“But…”

‘You have work, too, don’t you?’

“Yeah, but…”

Hirosue resisted being talked out of it, even though he understood well they both had work

“When can I see you next?” he asked “When will you let me see you?”

Matsuoka couldn’t give an immediate promise

“Can I e-ain? Can I call you?”

Matsuoka nodded Nodded―then sidled up to Hirosue, and put his ar him, he kissed him as if they were lovers

Hirosue’s face was etched with disbelief Right before Matsuoka’s eyes, the man’s expression turned from stunned to one ht sent a restless stir through Matsuoka’s heart

He got an e- Hirosue’s apartment

‘It was the best birthday ever,’ it said Another one ca it

‘After you left, I’ve been trying to get ready to go to work, but I can’t see,’ it said ‘All I do is keep reh we just parted, I can’t stop thinking about e’re going to be able to see each other again’ After the three consecutive e-mails, there was a brief silence

Once he arrived at the station, Matsuoka suddenly felt the urge to go to the bathrooed man inside He remembered he was crossdressed, and hastily dove into the women’s room He did his business, washed his hands, looked up and was horrified at his face in the mirror

His foundation was ed off He looked as close to his real self as he could possibly get He frantically touched his chin and felt a slight gritty sensation He wasn’t hairy to begin with, but he was still susceptible to growing a little stubble They had kissed so e?

Matsuoka hastily reapplied his h his makeup was fixed now, he felt like someone would notice and point out his chin, so he walked with his head down

As he stood on a platform croith school uniforms, he received his fourth e-mail from Hirosue

‘I was so glad that I could spend ti up with my selfishness?’

No, I wasn’t, he was about to write, but he got another e-mail

‘I love you’ The next one caain before he could think ‘I love you so, so much’

Matsuoka could guess the kind of expression the man had on his face as he wrote this