Part 14 (1/2)

I ca aton to a block of rabbed a tea-towel and tucked it between her bra straps However, I s in white stilettos stimulated my endocrine system, and I had to turn hurriedly towards the sink to hidewould be interested in a bout of sexual intercourse? I heard that she and Alan Clarke split, due to a row over globalisation I'll ring her later today

Tuesday, October 16

I will be ht She sounded delighted to hear froet her into bed And I won't be forced to waste ti around with meals, and day trips to historical ht at the Costa Brava restaurant, and my tortilla and chips were excellent But I was in bed by 11p her to Belvoir Castle on Friday

Wednesday, October 17

I oken by Sandra Alcock at 315a that Brett Mole was a bastard And that Justine Badaoui was a scut-bag Brett filmed the whole scene, up until the police arrived and took Sandra and Justine away

Friday, October 19

We explored every corridor of Belvoir Castle Had scones in the tea rooht Pamela a tea-towel Yet I slept alone Why?

Monday, October 22, Ashby-de-la-Zouch Glenn has been excluded froht hoer Patience, the headmaster, which said: Dear Mr Mole, In this time of national crises, it is incu a senior pupils debate, chaired bythe morale of teachers and pupils alike by his passionate denunciation of the boreat leader, Mr Blair, 'a leading twat' I have therefore excluded him from the school premises for the duration of the war

I hope to God (or Allah) that the ill be over by Christ around the house all day It is imperative that I finish my post-twin towers novel quickly The book (as yet no publisher)

Glenn protested his innocence, saying, ”I didn't say Tony Blair was a leading twat I said he was leading twat (The War Against Terrorism)”

Tuesday, October 23 I went into the che to buy a tin of Johnson's baby powder The shelves where this innocent product is usually kept were bare The girl behind the counter said, ”It's coz of anthrax” She informed me, somewhat pompously, that if I wished to purchase talcuive as bills I left the shop in disgust, empty-handed

Wednesday, October 24 Brett's doculand! Weep!, which was meant to expose the wasted lives of sink council estate tenants, has been cancelled by the co editor, who emailed, ”Your doco is not conducive to the national interest at this time” I am overjoyed to tell you, dear diary, that within the space of two hours, Brett, the crew and the equipone

Thursday, October 25, 2a She told me that her body was covered in red spots: ”It's smallpox!” I drove to her house and examined her naked body By a process of eliic to the hyacinth bulbs she'd been potting earlier in the day

Friday, October 26, Ashby-de-la-Zouch In the words of Marvin Gaye, ”What's going on?” Chaos surrounds me Alan Clarke appeared onthat I had stolen ”the love of his life, Pa”

I led him into the kitchen and listened as he ranted that he'd watched through Pamela's IKEA bamboo blinds, as she stood naked in her bedroo camomile lotion on to her skin, which was inflay, but he obviously didn't believe me IKEA should warn their custouarantee privacy Clarke rolled a joint and offered me a puff With Mr Blunkett's peran to spin and I found ory about twins called Jack and John Toho are struck down by a fatal illness” It was dawn before Clarke left

Saturday, October 27 Mohahan war He should know, he is the e

Sunday, October 28 The day started well My mother and father took the boys to Leicester's Golden Mile to watch the Diwali celebrations With the house empty for once, I phoned Pamela and asked her round for tea By 4py Her skin was pale and s place when, at 425pm, the bed shook In fact, the whole house shook and several slates fell off the roof Pamela muttered into my neck, ”My God, Adrian, you made the earth move for me”

Monday, October 29 The headline in the Leicester Mercury screamed EARTHQUAKE! DID YOU FEEL THE TREMOR? Apparently, Pamela and I were at the very epicentre of a 38 on the Richter scale, which caused terrified residents of Melton Mowbray and North Leicestershi+re to flee their hoe of the Mercury asked its readers, ”What were you doing when the earthquake struck? Let our news desk know” I hope to God Pamela does not comply with this request