Part 13 (1/2)
As we drove to Safeway, I realised I had no idea what the toddler was called or even what its sex was It earing earrings and had an unpleasant scowling expression on its face I took a guess and registered the child as Eed two-and-a-half years After ”E led into the play area by a crecheher interest in politics, I asked her opinion on the Tory leadershi+p race She scoffed, ”I' ill be up for eviction in the Big Brother house” We are both agreed that Paul and Helen's burgeoning ro two very stupid white rhinos atteht, but touched that two such rare creatures have found each other
I tore anic Baked Beans 'n' Sausages When I returned, Mary-Lou was stern-faced and ”Eencythe creche for life
Thursday, July 19, Ashby-de-la-Zouch I attended William's school sports day today The school field was sold off to Nolite Warehouse Ltd in February, so the races took place in a roped-off section of its new car park I was just about to clile parents' sack race, when the headmaster announced over the Tannoy that the jury had returned and that Jeffrey Archer had been sent to jail for four years Spontaneous cheering broke out fro of the less warehouse broke into song with ”You'll never walk alone”, passing cars sounded their hooters and a light aircraft flying overhead did a figure of eight in the summer sky The headmaster announced that there would be a five-minute delay for competitors to co the country together in joy After Henlorious victory
I came last William would not look me in the eye when I finally passed the finish line The winner was Trixie Woodhead, who I know for a fact is drawing disability living allowance
Saturday, July 21 My parents have been to see oing situation regarding our e” They held hands across the kitchen table and my father said sheepishly, ”We can't live with each other, but we can't live without each other, son”
Willia, said with the brutal candour of the child, ”You'll both have to die then”
I advised them to try self-discipline (They are both still married to other people, namely Pandora's parents) My father whined, ”We were both teenagers in the 60s, so haven't got any self-discipline” As they were leaving, I told my mother that blue jeans should never be ith creases, or wrinkles
Monday, July 23, 1p party” this evening It is not clear ill be celebrating
Midnight nobody told uests were meant to wear Mary and Jeffrey fancy dress Personally, I found the sight of soI like a bit of animation in my women
Friday, July 27 I allowed Willia Brother I think it is important that small children be allowed to participate in events of national iing two large bags of curry-flavoured Twiglets and a bottle of Raspberry Stolichnaya My ly hysterical after Dean was evicted fro Helen and Brian She passionately wanted Helen to win, saying, ”Why should the intelligent people win all the glittering prizes? It's tie”
My father said, ”I don't ob I object to” I feigned indifference, but secretly I had ers crossed for Brian I slipped into the kitchen and was dialling htDial-A-Pizza, so Brian's vote costlike a tortured piglet over Paul Clarke's present of a Gucci handbag and shoes, Willia sexual intercourse tonight, Dad?”
My father shouted, ”Go and wash your mouth out, you dirty-minded sod”
But, as Glenn said, ”He's only sayin' what everbody's thinkin', Grandad”
I lay awake pondering yet again on the true nature of ay solidarity or because he is a searnered the evidence: a) I like Kylie Minogue; b) I sleep with a lavender pillow; c) I aood at sex omen; d) I am very fussy about my sheets, pillowcases and towels
Saturday, July 28 Heatwave I went to Pandora's surgery thisIt was the only way to see her, since she does not reply to es She was most unsuitably dressed for an MP I know it is hot, but her outfit of cropped top and ravitas I had wanted to ask her about the euro, but I could not concentrate because of the sweat trickling between her tanned, pointy breasts So we ended up talking about Big Brother She is intiested I put myself forward as a BB candidate in 2002
Saturday, August 4, Ashby-de-la-Zouch William, the ardent monarchist,scraps of card and paper taken fro He had fashi+oned her hat fro a Darth Vader heliven a blood transfusion on Thursday I think she is kept going by a secret serum that is not yet available to us coaret) I read soenerate theination or does the Queen Mother look a teensy bit lizard-like lately? Will she be the first 200-year-old woust 5 I am no financial expert, but I feel inunder the jackboot of recession by Christo the interest on my Alliance & Leicester 30-Day Notice Deposit Account, and withdrew the entire aht a frozen turkey, a Christ of frozen sprouts and a box of sage and onion stuffing I also took advantage of the various in-store two for the price of one offers, but was disgusted that Safeway is not yet selling Christ was complete, I treated the boys to lunch in the Safeway cafeteria Pa over their All-Day Breakfasts Pael and his new partner, Peter Elf, in the Sea Shanty Folk Club last night Alan stroked his beard and drawled, ”Yeah, we all got on like a house on fire, they're coht, why don't you join us?” Pa for us after dinner, he has recently unearthed sos written by Isaiah Blackhead, fro an OU course on 'the music of the idiot savant',” he said Then, to al, And take my sickle in youse hand” Glen blushed fiercely and fled I folloith Williaust 7, Ashby-de-la-Zouch The fondue party was held at Alan Clarke's thatched cottage in Frisby-On-The-Wreake According to local gossip, Frisby is a hotbed of paganisht and were believed to have been ritually sacrificed Alan Clarke fancies himself as a local historian As irled our fondue forks over the pan of bubbling cheese, he regaled his guests with anecdotes about his life in the village The guests were Pael and Peter Elf
I took Glenn with ht how to conduct hiot out of the car, I warned hiuests that his arows up
To a background of Bob Dylan's harh seven varieties of hot cheese I incautiously mentioned how saddened I had been to hear of the death of Larry Adler and added that, in reatest harmonica player the world had ever known Peter Elf said camply, ”I wouldn't slash ain” Alan jabbed his fondue fork angrily into the rough-hewn table, stor-player from the turntable There was an aard silence, which Glenn broke eventually by saying, ”When I grow up, I want to be a heterosexual”
I was glad to get out of that cottage and rejoin the 21st century - personally, I think Alan Clarke knohat happened to those donkeys
Friday, August 10 A bole tonight, when I saw the headline ”Third Tiht-hand side was a photograph ofday, taken in the late 1960s Underneath was another photograph ofday, taken in the late 1980s I read to ain, for the third ti to tell you Sole has leaked the story”
Saturday, August 18 Today, I was a guest atI was a four-month-old foetus when myof the occasion - though raced herself at the reception by accidentally setting fire to her wedding veil while atteht a Capstan with a broken Swan Vestapeaches in juice, snatched fro confusion, Granduest) were despoiled Although only a foetus, I feel sure that this unsavoury incident made me into a non-smoker, with an aversion to swans
Today's ceremony was conducted at County Hall, the administrative nerve centre of Leicestershi+re It was soy faces oftheir vows, to see a County Hall apparatchik photocopying what appeared to be fixed-penalty forain, I willis suitably ro sight, though in the suht present a problem
The reception took place in the One-Stop Centre function roouests queued up to offer our congratulations to the bride and groom, ere forced to rub shoulders with benefits clairoup I'm the most liberal and democratic of men, but surely a hotel would have been more suitable?
The musical entertainroup, The Shanty Men, ore lad when one of them, Abbo Palmer, broke off and announced that Clarke was 50 that day Clarke looked horror-struck and Pa, his present amour, said to me, ”The bloody liar, he told me he was 37-and-a-half”
My father stood up and made a speech about the ”happiest day of his life” - his voice was blurry with senti Ian Bothaust 25 I fear I a the battle to mould William's character to h culture and has appalling taste in e Mozart was selling out concerts all over Europe I played the whole of Wagner's Ring Cycle onthat constant exposure to the shrieking and wailing would break down his defences It failed As the last note faded, Willia (sic) by Bob the Builder
Since being introduced to WWF (World Wrestling Federation) at my mother's house, he is now addicted - and I use the word carefully He lives only for Fridays when Sky Sports One broadcasts two hours of this so-called ”Sports Entertainment” His heroes are The Rock and The Undertaker, and his antiheroes are Stone Cold Steve Austin and DDP (Dia, over-muscled brutes who do not look as if they have ever read world literature, and probably think that Nabokov is an illegal steroid
Last night I found Willia an action replay of The Rock's finishi+ngBooker T's head through a table When Ifor the one-two-three count If he gets it, he'll leave the Astrodome with the WWF championshi+p belt”
I pointed out to Willia was merely a sublimation of sub-erotic activity The hulks refuse to accept the truth - that they have more in common with Oscar Wilde than they can possibly know William shouted, ”For God's sake, stop talkin'!” I took the re for a David Jason drama William screamed, then held his breath until his lips turned blue He only resu when I flicked back to Sky Sports One
Sunday, August 26 Pandora claims that she has been approached by the News Of The World to visit Jeffrey Archer in prison and acquire, by whatever ht, she turned it down
Saturday, September 1, Ashby de la Zouch, Leicestershi+re
I am powerless to make my boys either happy or unhappy External forces dictate their mood Namely, sport As Glenn settled down in front of the television with a bag of nachos and a cheese dip to watch Leicestershi+re play Somerset, in the final of the Cheltenham and Gloucester Trophy at Lord's, he said, ”Don't do no Hooverin' in 'ere, Dad, I gotta concentrate on the match”