Part 12 (2/2)
”Take good notice of that patient,” drawled Train ”He is recovering fro frouess its nature?” A small Chinese youth said, ”Does he think that the Daily Express is a newspaper, sir?” When the laughter had died down, Train said indulgently, ”Well done, wang Anyone else?” The students took it in turns to peer at my father Eventually a black woman - who reminded me a little of my ex-wife Jo-Jo - said, ”There are three portraits of Williaue in the room Is he an obsessive?” Train said, ”Well observed” He then spoke to the fat Englishive ton's fat face creased in concentration He read through my father's notes Eventually he looked up and said, ”The poor sod's delusional He thinks Hague is going to be the next pri woman cleaner approached with a bucket of filthy water and a rancida cheap nylon overall, eo intostopped by Train, who ordered her to change the water in the bucket, and don sterile clothes She whined, ”I ain't got tiotta clean three more wards and an operatin' theatre before I knock off”
Saturday, May 26 Pandora has abandoned the electorate of Ashby-de-la-Zouch and gone to Hay-on-Wye to seek a private audience with ex-president Clinton She packed what she called a Lewinsky frock
She clearly has no morals whatsoever
Saturday, June 2, Ashby-de-la-Zouch Glenn woke one mad with a Kalashnikov and killed his entire family, ”Cos of Camilla” I switched on Five Live and was reassured that the massacre had taken place in Kathmandu, and that (presumably) our own royals were safe and reasonably well
Sunday, June 3 Pandora knocked onShe placed a hand on my cheek and purred, ”Can I count on your vote, as usual, sweetie?” I coldly informed her that I had beco promises and that I intended to vote for the Socialist Alliance candidate, Abbo Palmer She left her canvassers on the rain-lashed street and pushed her way into , ”What broken proers I was still wearing olds at the time, so the effect ot to the last rubber digit I said, ”Finally, Pandora, you proe and could afford the train fare to Gretna Green” I took out my wallet and produced the written evidence: a note she had scribbled in a double geography lesson ht of her childish, loopy, handwriting alht tears to my eyes
Pandora scanned the note then turned it over On the back was a graph showing the decline of Britain's ,” then asked if she could have the note, as it meant so much to her I replied,”Certainly not, I have kept this love note in my wallet, close to my heart for two decades It reminds me of the time ere 15 and rapturously in love” We were interrupted when a woman canvasser, in need of Immac for the upper lip and chin, knocked on the door and said, ”The Newsnight camper van has just crashed into your car, Pandora Jereht Pandora has just been interviewed on Newsnight, by an unusually deferential Jereraph side)
Friday, June 8, Ashby-de-la-Zouch I woke at 930 to findFfion's sad but brave face Glenn was sitting on the floor slopping cornflakes on to the new Ikea rug With his mouth full, he said, ”Tory boy's doin' a runner, Dad” There was the smell of burnt toast, William came in with a plateful of buttered cinders, half of which fell on to the rug I was too exhausted to shout and sank back on to the new Ikea tapestry cushi+ons I do not function well on two hours' sleep
When I next woke, Tony and Cherie were in a s driven to the palace Glenn and Willia fruit cocktail and the Haagen-Dazs ice cream that I keep for Sunday teatiet in?” A tiny cube of pineapple and a dribble of juice fell froarden spade
The rug now resembled a small municipal tip, the ethnic pattern could hardly be seen Glenn sed, and, sounding alarot in with 23,431 votes, a majority of 8,157, tha's 5206 of the vote, but she's down a bit cos there were a swing to the Tories of 364 An there was a 6579 turnout, tha's a lot 'igher than the national average”
I was irasp of statistics I htThirty seconds later, the cup lay on its side, having been toppled by Glenn de et dressed for school When I next woke it was four o'clock and the school day had ended Glenn said, ”My 'ead of year rang, Dad, he wanted to knohy I ain't been to school So I told 'iet off the settee”
I snapped back ”Couldn't you have invented a sto?” Glenn said, ”I jus' told the truth, Dad Were I wrong?”
Since I'd been ranting about the dishonesty of politicians throughout the election caned sleep
Thursday, June 14 Glenn asked what I do for a living today I told him I was a writer ”I never see you do no writin',” he said accusingly I told him that I am an unpublished writer, and explained that there was a conspiracy in the publishi+ng industry to keepFrom Gork, to read in bed I a such an interest inhas takenout with Alan Clarke, the a to tell me that their first date went ”splendidly” He took her to The Friends tandoori restaurant She said that Pandora was dining at an adjacent table with so that Ann Widdecombe is the result of an experiment at Porton Down Apparently, she escaped before the trials could be concluded This explains a lot
Friday, June 15 I asked Glenn what he thought of Krog Froot past the third page yet” I asked hiht of the three he had read Glenn stroked his new mohican haircut and said, ”Nothin' 'appens, dad”
I snapped, ”Of course nothing happens I' about a prehistoric man who suffers from ennui What do you expect hies to his fellow primitives?”
At 1130am, Glenn returned from school with a note: ”Dear Parent/ Guardian/Principle Carer, Glenn arrived at school thishaircut Within e circle of 'admirers' Several of the first-year boys were literally sick with excitement The school rules state unequivocally that 'students' hair aries of fashi+on' Glenn is hereby excluded until his hair can be described in these terms” From now, I'll teach the boy at ho of the Colour with the boys I was filled with pride Is there another country on earth whose soldiers would h torrents of water without complaint?
I was annoyed to overhear Glenn say to Williaot the sense to come in out the rain”
Sunday, June 24, 2001 I had a ar aisle of the super I was coars on offer I walked up and down in an agony of indecision Glenn said, ”Dad, we've bin 'ere 20 minutes What's up?”
I didn't trustin rabbed a bottle at randorass flavour and tried to replace it on the shelf, but Glenn prevented ain I was confronted with a horrific choice
They stretched into the distance: grapeseed, extra-virgin olive, sesame seed, sunflower, Crisp 'n' Dry, basil, stir-fry As I was hovering between them, an announcement cah she had a srapefruit stuck in her mouth intoned: ”Would Mr Mole return to the cr?che immediately Mr Mole, return to the cr?che”
I left Glenn with the trolley and rushed off, lurid i my mind: had William been suffocated by thepit? Had he stabbed a paintbrush in his eye? Was he lying unconscious at the foot of the toddlers' jungle gyh the courts and force the less than PS30m could possibly compensate me for an injury done to e toldfor e breasts, clear skin, blonde hair, but needs a good cut, legs hidden by trousers) said, ”He wants his mummy” I was astonished to hear this William never eria She flicked her hair back and murmured, ”Have you re-le, then, by way of conversation, asked her if she was related to Lord Hattersley, the hothead revolutionary ”Incontrovertibly,” she said I a came to PS18599
Saturday, June 30 I am still in love with the supervisor of Safeway's in-store creche, Mary-Lou Hattersley She has the widest vocabulary of any woman I have ever known - and that includes Pandora, who lectured in semantics at Oxford for a while
Mary-Lou, or ML as she likes to be called, claims that both she and Roy Hattersley, her very distant relation, have inherited the saht soil man” He was a follower of ”disestablishe on his new Shrek T-shi+rt
Instead of doing a weekly shop, I now findthat he is fed up with the creche, but I have bribed him with the promise of a trip to McDonald's Yes, I have sunk that low! But I am a prisoner of love I have to see her dirty blonde hair Those fiery, intelligent eyes She wore a skirt yesterday, so I was able to assess her legs They are not bad, though e are better acquainted I will advise her to avoid shorts and miniskirts
Monday, July 2 Glenn asked if he can have the day off school to watch Henet beaten For some reason he hates him; he can't explain why
On no account must I tell ML how I feel about her I have made that mistake before In my experience, woers They fail to return calls, ignore et their brothers to throw you off the doorstep
Myfroht in the police station in Palht in the taxi queue at the airport Apparently, he was maddened by thirst and the heat, and when a French faface! Hop off!” The French about foot and e into the gutter
It was news to one on holiday with each other Have their spouses given their permissions?
Tuesday, July 3 Glenn has been very subdued lately, he has stopped talking and is off his food I tried to talk to hih I were a loathsome insect
I consulted the handbook Parents Are Froe 31 it said, ”Keep the channels of communication open, but do not let your teen control the donored, smile and say, 'I hear your silence Should you wish to share your thoughts with me, I will always be here for you, 24-seven'”
William has put his small foot down and has refused to be deposited into Safeway's creche twice a day at 8aer have a valid excuse to see Mary-Lou Hattersley, the divine supervisor of that kiddies' establishment I will have to borrow a toddler I have to see her
Prince Philip and Prince Charles were on the news, sta cocked hats, medals and epaulettes; they looked like extras froae of interactive television In fact, I est that in future the royals withdraw from public life and satisfy the lust of theirBrother-like TV show They could then dress up and swagger around in as many costumes as they liked It would certainly cut down on their transport costs, which I understand are considerable
Wednesday, July 4 (A bullied at school He is the only boy in his class who does not have his ownin Safeway She is still going out with Alan Clarke He earing an Arran sweater It is chilly by the frozen food cabinets, but I was cooing on to a ”gig” after shopping I suppose there must be a few folk clubs left in the land
Mr Blair was said to have been ”savaged” by his own backbenchers at priross distortion He was asked a few facetious questions by a trio of toothless curs
Monday, July 16, Ashby-de-la-Zouch ThisI borrowed a toddler from the Ludlows next door and took it to Safeway's creche, which is supervised by the ent woman alive on the planet earth, Mary-Lou Hattersley It isher, and Williarateful little swine
The toddler was very quiet in the back of the car I wasn't surprised, the Ludlows don't believe in talking to their children As Mrs Ludlow told es 'em to prattle on an' ask stupid bleedin' questions” Secretly, I have so theory I have often been tormented by William's constant demands to knohen” and ”why” Only yesterday, as atched the riots on Sky News, he askedand never the ladies and girls?” I told hi warfare, but this led to a further raft of questions, which stopped only when I pretended to fall asleep on top of the washi+ng machine