Part 12 (1/2)
For how long did Pamela shop for this card? And when she found it, did she exclaim, ”At last! This is the perfect card for Adrian Mole”? She s, tankards, fishi+ng, tweed - in fact, al to do with the countryside I aertips Inside, Paain sex is not everything, Love Piglet”
Query: do I want to try again with Pamela? Most of our trysts seem to end in tears, snot and recriminations She is ludicrously oversensitive: last autu in the woods, she wept because the leaves were leaving ”their ainstPa-out party I could not risk being retted my invitation as soon as I saw her outfit No woman over 17 should wear a sequinned boob tube, inNigel's parents looked shell-shocked - his mother still thinks his hoh”
That night, after yet another failed atteress (her fault, not an to weep piteously I longed for sleep, but felt compelled to offer her co, naked, apart froed into et married now, Dad” He has never seen me in bed with a woman before, not even his o out for lunch ”en famille” She recommended Ye Olde Carvery in Frisby-On- The-Wreake Glenn and William were excited - they rarely eat out On the way, in the car, I explained that Frisby-On-The-Wreake was a notorious centre for paganis that Frisby had won best-kept hanging basket prize for three years running I pointed out that the two could easily co-exist, and Glenn said diplo basket”
Ye Olde Carvery was full of wax-jacketed gits talking in loud voices about the poor coho'd put her foot in it I assu on about foot and mouth, but Pamela had picked up a copy of the Mail On Sunday and told me the Countess of Wessex had been entrapped by a reporter dressed as an Arab sheikh into calling John Major ”wooden”, Williaue ”a puppet”, and foxes ”veretarians Indeed, a glance at the trays of ye olde foode congealing behind the bar told me that Ye Olde Carvery did not cater for any person with a norits laughed at Pas I could hardly object
Wednesday, April 11 Awake all night with irritating dry cough Sweated profusely
Thursday, April 12 TB has broken out only two kilo was surily removed a red sequin from the back of my throat
Friday, April 13, Good Friday Why do banks close on bank holidays? They should be open when so many are free to use the I had spent PS10449 on Belgian chocolates at a shop in Lewes, so rang a call centre in Southend I told a youth called Gary that I never bought chocolate due to the effect it has on my skin, and had never been to Lewes
He said, ”Perhaps it was an internet transaction” I repeated testily that I could not tolerate chocolate He said, ”Perhaps you bought it for sorily, ”I am a poor man: PS10449 exceedsorder to your newsagent could keep an African village in food for a month” At this moment, Glenn shouted from the toilet that there was no paper I put Gary on hold When I ca, so I went to my bank, only to find the doors locked
Glenn was miserable all day He asked if he could paint his bedroo, he said, ” Why do they call it Good Friday? It weren't for poor Jesus, were it?”
He explained that he had trodden on a drawing pin thisit 'ome to me what it must 'ave been like on the cross” He then asked if he could have a Heroes Easter egg Willia
Saturday, April 14 Had an e of Idaho's finest potatoes, because you don't got none in England, cos of the floods and plagues We are praying for you and your family”
Sunday, April 15, Easter Day Pas were a riot of primary colours; Glenn's depicted Jesus on the cross He wrote a bubble out of Jesus's mouth, ”Father, why hast thou forsaken hten up It's Easter!”
Later, while Willia and Glenn watched The Greatest Story Ever Told, she led , the centre of which contained a pair of edible knickers She was keen for lance at the ingredients told me they were choc-a-bloc with obscure ches
Sunday, April 22, Ashby-de-la-Zouch Last Sunday, I forced the boys to sit and listen to Go4it, the new Radio 4 children's programme I was annoyed when, after only five minutes, Glenn complained, ”It's for posh kids, innit?” Williarave intervieoke hiold medals for this country The least you can do is stay ahile he's talking”
This evening, we again sat down to listen I was enthralled by the intervieith Thunderbirds creator Gerry Anderson I was once besotted with Lady Penelope She was the subject of my first sexual fantasy I still like women who are a bit on the wooden side Pandora Braithwaite MP, the love of h it is the Labour party who are now pulling her strings Ha ha!
She was on the news tonight, wearing Prada Wellingtons and a tweed suit, trying to assure angry country folk why ahundreds of thousands of noxious, deco cows and sheep, would not beconed the compact, Pandora?” She snapped, ”The only compact I have any use for has the name Chanel embossed on the lid”
Monday, April 23 Pandora's remark has landed her in trouble with the CRE She's been ordered to have her photo taken with a black or brown person She rang to ask if William was available I said, ”The child's skin is not for hire” She askedoff
Tuesday, April 24 When I went to the BP garage for a box of Coco Pops, Moha hiht crew to dinner last night She had requested chicken tikka masala Mohaets fish and chips on Tuesdays, but you can't deny Pandora ohen she orders you about in that posh voice, can you?” He asked ht was on
Naturellereat interest Pandora earing her Alexander McQueen-designed Punjabi suit she'd last worn to the inaugural by team
Thursday, April 26, Ashby-de-la-Zouch, 1030pm Thank God Phoenix has been reprieved Williaht, and Glenn spoke darkly about travelling to Meetarian splinter group called Sprouts, ere planning to resist evil MAFF, the calf murderers His motives were not entirely altruistic He has been bewitched by Joanna Lu so eloquently for the calf's life on TV This is worrying: Ms Lurande for , and was alaren by two para froazines I stayed until he had recovered enough to gasp, ”This allergy could be the end of ent, Moley”
This afternoon, Williaround in tears, after a big white kid called hirel” I reerian aristocrat, a Norfolk potato farine driver, a Welsh witch and that, by virtue of being born in this country, and as defined by the OED, he was as English as John Townend The kid refused to be comforted, until he was invited by Glenn to watch a video of Joanna Luers
Sunday, April 29 Filling in the census foronised over the work-related questions Eventually, I ticked the ”Yes” box, and ad Froroup I rang the helpline and spoke to a bloke called Len Cook He seemed irritated by my explanation of William's various bloodlines In the end, I settled for box B - Mixed other, and wrote British/Black African
Glenn hovered over the religious question, but eventually declared hiiven hiions He liked the fact that Buddhists shaved their heads and were careful not to tread on ants
Saturday, May 5 Dear Prin secretary, Robin Cook, on the TV news However, I have no idea what theabout since I could not understand a word he said Surely it is ti this, perhaps subtitles could be used I a disenfranchised by Mr Cook's incoherent babble
Incidentally, I like the new spectacles - they give you gravitas, so lately due to your own casual articulation
I ree telephoned from customs and excise at Heathrow airport this afternoon He inforht) that the Idaho potatoes sent as eency food by Hamish Mancini had been confiscated under the anti-Colorado-beetle restrictions I e any more food parcels, and told him that the foot and mouth crisis was now under control and that food was now available in the shops
Hamish emailed back: ”I seen the weekly news round-up today, oh boy! There was crowds of crazy reds an' anarchists rioting in London town When's it gonna be safe for me and e you live in”
Monday, May 7, bank holiday Vince Ludlow, hbour, threw a ”Welcos, but obviously feels an affinity with the train robber All day, and long into the night, our street was clogged with criminal traffic A ru on the Ludlows' settee, eating crab paste sandwiches The noise was intolerable But I decided not to complain, as I did not wish my feet to be sawn off at the ankles Instead, I took Glenn and William for a ramble in the countryside On the outskirts of Little Snickerton, I parked in a lay-by and tried to get the boys to leave the car, but neither of thee They are both under the impression that the countryside is ruled by despotic farmers who hate city dwellers Eventually, I turned the car round and drove back
Tuesday, May 8 Glenn brought a note home from school today: Dear Parent/Guardian/Principal Carer, Dr Pandora Braithwaite MP, a for Comprehensive, will address the school assembly on Thursday, May 10, at 910am sharp On the subject of apathy Please er Patience, OBE, Head Teacher (Please note: The s of alcohol and the ingesting of hot food are not allowed in the assembly hall) NB Mr Grimley, the caretaker, would like me to make it clear that the car park is for the use of school staff only Visitors ignoring this instruction are liable to have their vehicles toay by Grimly Bros Auto Services
Thursday, May 10 I was forced to park three streets away, in Woodpecker Crescent I ran to the school and arrived at the assee bunch of keys and barred , ”Yer too late, Mole” Grimley and I have clashed several times in the past,”All caretakers are fascists” on the boiler-rooe black car drove into the car park The driver walked away Grimley licked his lips like a vulture about to pick its victi to the end of his introduction: ”Pandora Braithwaite owes her glittering acade Co to cohter lasted a full threean unsuitably low-cut red dress, folded her arnored ued the children and the few parents who had bothered to turn up She said we didn't ”deserve the vote”, and that if ere not careful the country would be led by fascists, like Grimley, whom she remembered had once reported her to the head teacher of the ti red knickers in contravention of the school's uniforulations
Friday, May 11 Pandora's official car is still in the Grimly Bros vehicle pound
Saturday, May 19 Mohaht and asked if I would like to accoland versus Pakistan test o in my stead I have boycotted cricket since David Gower stoleplace outside Grimsby's chip shop on Welford Road in Leicester, in October 1991 I was takingtest at the ti to take a further 12 lessons with the BSM I developed aschool car A vivid flashback of Gower's triumphant punch in the air caused my arms to lock at the elbohich necessitated the instructor taking the wheel I only passed at my fifth atteto the Raj Mahal restaurant on Aylestone Road, to discuss ending our relationshi+p I'ht of her And the sound of her And the textuntil late into the night
Over the poppadams, we bickered about the election Pamela will vote Liberal De Charles Kennedy's parents playing theira party political broadcast ”That's the sort of family life I want” She choked Her eyes brimmed with sentigested that she should try a night out with Alan Clarke, the aer she sits next to at work
Over our biryanis, we quarrelled about the Prescott egg incident She thought Prescott should resign and go into exile (The Isle of Wight was -thrower, Craig Evans, deserved a thorough pasting The waiter came over and politely asked us to keep our voices down
Sunday, May 20 Glenn has just returned holand won, you fool” Glenn said, ”I wanted Pakistan to win” The boy is culturally confused This is what co in Britain's first lets, like his new hero, Ryan Sidebottom
Friday, May 25 I visited my father in his isolation cubicle today I couldn't be bothered to go through the showering, putting on sterile gown, h the observation panel in the door I was just about to give hi for home, when his consultant, Mr RT Train, approached, trailed by a gang of hout Train's lesson in diagnostic technique He pointed through the glass to erm-free copy of the Daily Express