Part 11 (1/2)

Anyway, diary, what I said to Moharation at Dover - you were openly s and you were only 12 years old”

Sunday, January 28 My plan is to take Glenn to Paris for his birthday It is to be a surprise, so ht, I washed and ironed his least gangsterish-looking clothes and hid the I can do about his hair or the Buffy The Vaot on his wrist, but with luck it will be cold and he'll have to roll down his sleeves I' him the Louvre - he's a very lucky boy; I was 26 before I saw that the Mona Lisa wasn't worth the wait in the queue

Tuesday, January 30 I was checking and re-checking ht Two Eurostar tickets, travellers' cheques, Nurofen, lish dictionary, passports, u Then the realisation hite thrown by a toddler in a supermarket trolley: GLENN DOES NOT HAVE A PassPORT!

Wednesday, January 31 Pandora has refused to help fast-track a passport for Glenn I phoned Keith Vaz MP, but there was nobody available to take my call

Adrian Mole: The Cappuccino Years is on BBC1 (not Scotland) on Fridays at 930pm

Friday, February 2, Ashby de la Zouch, Leicestershi+re I was sitting in the kitchen with a chicken noodle Cuppa-Soup this evening, waiting for the Archers to begin, when to my astonishment I heard my name rowing horror to a ”trail” of a television progra a man called Adrian Mole, a former offal chef who's family home is in Ashby de la Zouch

This TV Mole has a e This cannot be mere coincidence - so it for coent's solicitor, Peter Elf, and left athis series Surely I have intellectual copyright on my own life?

I was unable to concentrate on the Archers, and thus o back to South Africa with her black lover and take her first-born child?

Saturday, February 3 Several people, including Pandora, have rung up to enquire about the Mole TV series Pandora was outraged, though I could tell that she is rather flattered that she is being played by Helen Baxendale

Monday, February 5 I rang Greg dyke's office at 7a-a-bed was not at his bed Do we licence-payers award a full-time salary to a man who apparently works part-ti out an injunction against the BBC He said, ”It would be a David and Goliath situation” I pointed out to hiiant Goliath Elf replied, ”In my opinion, David struck lucky with that stone Goliath obviously had a very thin skull”

Tanya Braithwaite brought last week's Radio Ti Inside, was a ”fil himself Adrian Mole This Mole bloke was also upset that his life was being exploited

A friend of Tanya's in publishi+ng had told her that an old hack called Sue Townsend had been trying for years to publish the secret diaries of Adrian Mole, clai that they were fiction She showedastonishment as details of my private life were revealed How does this wo rew bitter after going on an Arvon poetry course led by Adrian Henri and Roger McGough, where Henri told her that she was not a poet and never would be after she handed in a poe Defecation: How topoo?

How to kno much they do?

Are there scales toshi+t?

Townsend then made a hysterical denunciation of modern poetry and ran out of the class and down to the river She threatened to throw herself in unless Adrian Henri sent her earwig poem to Bloodaxe with a recommendation that they commission a thick volume of her verse Adrian Henri came to the opposite bank and shouted across the river, ”Throw yourself in and give us all a break”

Townsend has hated all men called Adrian since that day AA Gill is another of her obsessions Is she the reason ht?

Tuesday, February 6 Leicester-born painter Adrian He that Townsend is an ad to buy one ofit in her bathroo place ”I must protect my name”

Sunday, February 11, Ashby de la Zouch Does the psychological e? I think I suffered three separate episodes of it today The first came in the car park, when a s, turned me away from a disabled space I showed him a photocopy of a letter fro from a medical condition, but he indicated that I e driven by an old git in a neck brace to drive in Dr Ng's letter: Dear Mr Mole Further to your ery this week Your blood test results have returned fro fros and brain are functioning nor from severe hypochondria I have discussed your case with h and O'Neil, and they are satisfied that est that you examine other areas of your life for the cause of your unhappiness

Dr Ng PS: In future, please do not visit the surgery or request a ho froe attack occurred in the Storage System section, when Glenn disputed my measurements for the run of Billy bookcases I'd planned to install in the living rooainst that back wall,” he said We faced up to each other as weary shoppers trah his teenage body ”I will not have you questioning my calculations,” I roared, and Glenn storht up with hi in a shower stall, sullenly exa the fixtures In the warehouse, he silently helpedthree flatpack Billy bookcases on to a trolley If he'd been in the ared him with dumb insolence

My third attack came in the 10-deep queue, when the wo the five boxes containing a fitted wardrobe and proceeded to count the screws My temples pulsed with irritation so much that I feared that I would suffer an aneurysm and be carried out in a flatpack coffin

Monday, February 12 I rang Pandora at the Commons and asked her to translate the Swedish instructions for asse the Billy bookcases As I waited for her to fax them to me, I marvelled at her courteous and helpful tone Then I reinal seat in May, and every vote will count, including mine

Tuesday, February 13 I have tried and failed to asseenetica screwdriver in one hand while sinking screws into a hole in a plank of ith the other I now divide the world into those who can and those who can't assemble Ikea furniture Can list: Paul Daniels, Frank Bruno, Williaue, Madonna, Princess Anne, Glenn Bott Can't list: Peter Mandelson, Caroline Aherne, Prince Charles, Sir Edward Heath

Wednesday, February 14, Valentine's Day Not a single card Not one Nothing Glenn received 11 They are standing proudly on top of the two Billy bookcases he asseht The third didn't fit

Thursday, February 15 A Valentine's card arrived thisThe cheapskate had affixed a second-class staain”

Sunday, February 18, Ashby-de-la-Zouch I organisedmy own idiosyncratic alphabetical system So, the first book on my Billy bookcases was AA Gill's Collected Works The last was zzz's, The Insomniac's Handbook

In between, of course, were the tomes penned by the ed to join the machine with a pile ofabout the escalating tension in Iraq Glenn keeps asking me aard questions about Britain's role in the protection of the no-fly zone Such as: ”'Ow can it be cold protection, Dad, when old people an' little 'uns got killed?” He is an unsophisticated boy and can't quite grasp the subtleties of the situation I tossed on my pillow, haunted by past hu at Neil Arhts; the dayIf I Ruled The World; ht, when I couldn't unfasten the cord of my pyjama trousers and my bride, Jo Jo, was forced to cut it with the scissors on her Swiss arht porter to our roo been sumave up trying to sleep and went downstairs I sat atthe first sentence of a new novel I don't have a title yet but I ae

Chapter 1

Larry Topper blinked through his owl-like glasses as the public school, The Acadeuardian, Uncle Edward (his parents were both dead, killed by a bomb whilst on holiday in Iraq) 'I say, Uncle Ted,' piped Larry, 'I rather think I'lance took in the topiary which lit tered the large, vibrant green, well manicured, soft underfoot, lawns Uncle Ted's kindly eyes twinkled like fairy lights before the fuse blows

'I should hope so, young sir,' Ted rumbled in his voice which sounded like the distant roar of a bo off

Uncle Edward crunched his antique car along the gravel drive until it ca boy stood sshank, head boy and aristocrat as a star of the rugger field and a genius in the classrooawped in awe at Brett's exquisite air of nonchalance 'I say, Uncle,' he said, 'what a spiffing role model that fellow is'

Uncle Ted's brow furrowed and looked like a ploughed field after several horses had dragged a plough over it

'That's Lady Nancy Longshank's son,' he said disapprovingly 'And I happen to know that he is addicted to crack cocaine, keep away from him, Larry, d'you hear ive Larry inal bestseller ones I texed her back and asked her to stop, but her ardour seee came at 215am She wrote: U R 4 Me I No u Luv Me 2