Part 10 (2/2)

Tuesday, January 16, Ashby-de-la-Zouch Clive Box, the post, which startledto be raided at dawn by the police, though I have done absolutely nothing wrong Clive had no proper letters for me, only a multicoloured envelope that informed me in fat multiple exclamation marks that I had won PS1,000,000

I said irritably, ”Couldn't you have just put it through the letterbox?”

”Sorry,” Box mumbled, ”but I wanted to ask you sommat important”

Behind Box's uniformed back, I could see that the estate was covered in frost Box looked longingly at the radiator in the hall I asked him in and shut the front door He put his sack of letters on the floor and blew on his hands He looked at the self-portrait of Van Gogh that hangs on the wall

”Who's that? Your granddad?” he said

”No!” I said ”That's Van Gogh, whose genius went unrecognised in his lifetis before he died”

”I' ger”

The hall is tiny We stood in too close proxied in the kettle Box sat at the table and said, ”You're an educated man, ain't you, Mr Mole?”

I replied that I was a bit of an autodidact

”I ain't interested in your sex life,” he said, ”but I've seen them letters from book clubs, so I've chosen you to 'elp me out Do you speak French?”

”Mais oui,” I replied

He took out a sheet of paper from his uniform pocket and pushed it across the table ”'Ow do you pronounce this?” he asked, stabbing with a stubby finger at a word in block capitals in the raph I looked at the word I wasn't familiar with it ”CONSIGNIA” I said it out loud, slowly ”Con-sig-nia”

He then said itthe word hippopotamus ”What does it mean?” he asked, eventually

I told him that I had no idea I read the paper in front of iven itself a ”ful title” And that the words, ”Post” and ”Office” no longer described the work that this organisation did

Box looked at me with bewilderment in his eyes ”So I ain't a postman now?” he said ”Apparently not,” I replied ”You're a consignee”

Wednesday, January 17

On the train to London to visit my mother in Holloway, I noticed that that ticket collector wore a badge that said ”Roger Morris, Revenue Protection Officer”

My ood spirits She has made friends with her cell a TV licence Yvonne's defence - that she never watched BBC1 or BBC2 - was thrown out by the court Myroo at her and blew my mother a kiss

My mother blew one back!

I said to my mother, ”You and Yvonne appear to be very fond of each other” She looked me in the eye and said, ”Yes, we are very, very, very fond of each other” I took a closer look at Yvonne She looks like Diana Dors, the black-and-white filates - has my mother taken up lesbianism, as she once took up badminton and feminism? And, if she has, will she tire of it, as she so quickly tired of aforementioned hobbies?

Saturday, January 27, Ashby-de-la-Zouch It is Glenn's birthday on Friday Yes, the lad will be 14 Mohaave , ”You use 'eration won't let me back in”

I said, ”Mohammed, you were born in the Leicester Royal Infir Leicester accent, you cried when Martin O'Neill left Leicester City Football Club nobody could possibly question your English nationality”

”Oh, yeh,” said Mohammed cynically ”And as the only kid to be stopped at Dover e come back from that school trip to France?”

I cast my mind back to that heady day when I becaht of la belle France As the ferry prepared to dock, Miss Elf gathered her class of 30 around her on the voardez vous la belle France, la creme de la creme, de la Continent” (Or words to that effect, diary My French is a little rusty, as I rarely have occasion to use it) We lost precious time in France because Barry Kent tried to leap fro procedure was quite finished He wasn't in the water long, but by the tiendarmes had finished their paperwork, a couple of hours had been lost

On the coach, Miss Elf announced that, due to Barry Kent's foolhardy leap, there would now be no tiraves ce a class project on first world war poetry) A few of the h Pandora was not a them ”Instead,” she said, ”ill sample French bread and French coffee, and ill visit a market and observe the care hich the French choose their fruit and vegetables”

When I returned ho forcomprehensive As I stepped off the coach, I said to her, ”Maman, I have seen and tasted paradise You must throay your Maxwell House and your Mothers Pride thin-sliced and euette and cafe au lait” I can't recall her exact words of reply, but they were said with a snarl