Part 10 (1/2)

6 I'll teach my son's the proper use of the apostrophe

Tuesday, January 2 Pandora is back fro mission about Jerusaleet a few days off in Eilat, swi with the dolphins” How I envy Pandora's physical prowess! I would find it difficult to sith goldfish

I asked her if she was any nearer to achieving her n secretary She tossed her treacle-coloured hair back and said, ”It's acknowledged by those that count - Ian Hislop, Auberon Waugh and Andrensley - that Robin's got to go The man is now totally inconers understand his abble, God only knows”

Monday, January 8, 2001, Ashby de la Zouch I woke at 732am with a headache Thankfully, the boys were still asleep, so I was able to dress and attend to my toilette in peace for once I did not washof the sha a strain onhair loss I was pleased to use one of those shower caps, which I have collected from hotel bathrooms over the years

The reason for g stayed last night Or, at least,for an hour and a half, incidentally s one of my finest pillow slips in blue eye-shadow

Our date ell considering that Pa the waiter for more paper serviettes in which to blow her nose We talked about our on/off relationshi+p, and Pamela blamed our sexual incompatibility for the fact that it was ain, and told me she had forced herself to read The Joy Of sex, and then been astonished at the range of things on offer She ue

After a protracted argument with the waiter about the bill (I refused to pay PS350 for the extra services), we left the restaurant arht hand over ear, but I didn't co his humanities homework He was stuck on one question: ”Naue”

Unfortunately, neither me nor Pamela could help hilanced at her and whispered, ”You must be desperate, Dad” In the lull before Pamela's return, I re of Poison, and with newly applied pink lipstick, Glenn tactfully withdrew and went to bed

I put on a Beethoven CD, the 1812, and tried to dihts, but the dilare of 500-watt spotlights After a little conversation about ised for her sports bra and utility-type knickers, saying that her best underas in the wash I said it didn't matter, but, in truth, I was very hurt She had known about our date for over a week Surely that was enough time in which to hand-wash a few delicate scraps of lace and satin, and dry them on the radiator?

She commented on the fact that the spots on ht out and lovean when she requested that, for safety's sake, I wear two condoms, one on top of the other God knows, I tried, Diary, but by the tiot lost in the bed

The second probleh the party wall, ”For God's sake Dad, 'urry up an' get it over wiv” Which made Paid li about my father's treatment for his hospital-borne infection, but she started to cry And nothing I said would stop her

An hour later Glenn has just co the used shower cap and shouting, ”Tell that Pa, to take 'er female condo about the female anatomy

Saturday, January 13, Ashby-de-la-Zouch My ex-wife Jo-Jo has faxed me to ask if she can take Williaeria For what she's called ”an extended visit”

I faxed back immediately, c/o The He in money - her new husband imports ”cattle prods” from Turkey One dreads to think to what purpose the prods are used I suspect that cattle don't enter the equation)

Dear Jo-Jo, I will cut immediately to the chase No, you cannot take Willia in the small town of Ashby-de-la-Zouch The culture shock could kill hie of reason, he wants to 'discover his roots', I will help him to do so But he has told me that he wants to continue to attend Mrs Claricoates' reception class, where he is excelling at colouring in and codales Moor in Yorkshi+re, planned in February

Incidentally, I am surprised at your choice of new husband William tells me that the man has never heard of Pokemon cards, and that he was unable to name the individual members of Steps He sounds an unworldly man

How could a sophisticated woman like you saddle yourself with such a dolt? I cannot but fear for the longevity of your e As you will recall (perhaps fondly), ere man and wife, we used to talk in bed for hours about world and current affairs

Anyway, Jo-Jo, I'eria without William

I remain, yours, as ever, Adrian

Sunday, January 14 I received the following fax this : The Hempel, Craven Hill Gardens, London

To Adrian Mole from Mrs Jo-Jo Mapfumo

Thank you for your fax I aive your pereria with os are most anxious to ly held in high esteem by them

I found your remarks abouta dolt He was educated at the Sorbonne and Sandhurst He plays the piano, violin and oboe, collects contemporary African art and has written an acclaimed book: The Coup - A post-Colonial Alternative To Dee, I do not recall our conversations in or out of bed 'fondly' My recollection is that you talked at length about three subjects: 1 Your unpublished novels; 2 Dostoevsky; 3 The Norwegian leather industry I realised that our , when you accused me of exhibitionism, because I chose to wear my traditional tribal dress

Yours, Mrs Jo-Jo Mapfueria, then my family must visit hieos

I admit that I was taken aback when I saw Jo-Jo enter Leicester Register Office She had toldto wear ”traditional dress” Therefore, I was expecting white lace and a veil - not a riot of pattern and primary colours In her tribal turban, she stood 6ft 3in tall She towered over istrar

I distinctly heard Pandora (the best man) whisper, ”Talk about a folie a deux”

Monday, January 15 At the last count, there were 213 ive even erian custom demands Itthe summer holidays