Part 9 (1/2)
From family and friends
And the rest of the nation
Tuesday, Noveer has sent my epic poem, The Restless Tadpole, to a certain Geoffrey Perkins at BBC TV Centre I asked Brick which departuy's head of suckin' corily pointed out that The Restless Tadpole is an entirely serious draas Brick said, ”Listen up, Adrian, I flicked through the suckin' manuscript Tadpole and I Godda tell ya I almost peed my suckin' pants, it's so funny” Brick carried on, ”My favourite scene is when the tadpole is lying in Marilyn Monroe's garden pond and it overhears Arthur Miller talking crap about Tolstoy”
I have always known that Brick Eagleburger is a Philistine; however, he is now totallyme and my work
Wednesday, Noveht I asked my beloved Dave if it was nor the road He raised his eyebrows slightly and fiddled with his ponytail before replying enigmatically, ”Normal is as normal does”
What does this mean? Dave is obviously my intellectual superior I am not worthy to be his client
Thursday, Noveed the services of an additional therapist This will enable me to talk about Dave for 55 elica House She isher toelica has explained tomore than what is called in the mental health trade ”transference” She is a wonderfully empathetic woman and I think I may be a little in love with her
Geoffrey Perkins is wild about The Restless Tadpole He wants to cast Dawn French in the title role
Monday, November 27, Ashby-de-la-Zouch Today is only the first day of Rae is already in a bad ion In a normal day at work, he would eat three packets of cheese-and-onion crisps and a Kit Kat or two I re at least four stone in weight To ry denunciation ofup with, ”You should take a good look at yourself in theout yer nostrils to weave a nant” I apologised at once for my rudeness I tried to explain that ingsocial intercourse This seeer, but thankfully he was diverted fro by a strident fe about the lack of toilet paper in the ladies
As I walked across the forecourt, I pondered on our conversation Fro woven into abasket? And as his reference to nant about?
Tuesday, November 28 I took off my clothes and exa My front view is quite nice My shoulders are slightly stooped,definition, but I ae in the looks department However, my profile leaves a lot to be desired and, yes, Mohammed, my old schoolfriend, you spoke the sinant My belly, once a discreet concave, is now distinctly convex How did this happen without ?
I a what he calls a top secret dairyHe has also written on the cover in barbed-riting ”Open This Dairy At Your'e Perul” I was very tempted to find out what the boy had written aboutdetected I may well have found out
Wednesday, November 29 Can anybody tell me e British export our beef to France and why the French export their beef to Britain? I have asked many people, but nobody has been able to provide me with a satisfactory answer I had a session with Dave Mutter tonight after work I told hi basket Dave said he found Mohaested that Mohammed seek professional psychiatric help
I am pleased to report that my fixation with Dave Mutter is over He is simply a dull baby boomer with a Minnie Mouse voice and an out-dated pony tail However, Anjelica House, nificent woman Why did I not appreciate the attractions of late ed women before? How come I have never noticed the beauty of their crows' feet or the delicious way their upper arht Pandora has just rung to find out if my father has recovered from his hospital-borne infection yet I told her that he was still being barrier nursed She was delighted: she wants to use hi services Before she rang off, she hinted that the roeen John Prescott and Dominique Voynet was in facttheir lust while the world festered on its axis? If so, we, the world's population, should be told
Tuesday, Novened up to be an Earth Watch volunteer She is hoping to count birds usted Mya worthy conservation project To htest interest in birds, Kenya or counting She is obviously hoping to get a free holiday Earth Watch should be infor Kenyan birds could be hopelessly confused for years to coists and their possible premature deaths
I confided in Glenn ists He furrowed his brow: ”Why are you worrying about somethin' that 'asn't 'appened yet, Dad” I had no satisfactory answer Later, ela House, asked ive her PS25 fee to Glenn At least it would keep theto Mrs House's house, thus avoiding the attendant parking proble in the downstairs cloakroo ed to learn that she was in Paris! Ivan Braithwaite told one to the hotel where Oscar Wilde died 100 years ago this week How dare she swan about on the Eurostar when people are starving? It is disgusting Especially when it is me who is the Wildean expert
Feho saill ever forget my depiction of Lady Bracknell in the sex-swap perfor Coleburger has asked his solicitor, Peter Elf, to take a civil action against the Aovernment Brick is now convinced that his postal vote has been violated Apparently, Mr Elf was reluctant at first to take on the US, beingin the Haned from my position at Eddie's Layby Cafi The as very unfulfilling and I never properly came to terms with the constant snation with equanimity He said, ”I knew you weren't cut out for the caterin' industry the first tiot the wrists for it” I asked hiotta be flexible for the butterin' and the fryin', an' your wrists are about as flexible as a lump of bleedin' coal”
I related this conversation to Glenn as we prepared lobster nuggets for our dinner He asked, ”What's a lump of coal?” I said, ”It was a piece of black, shi+ny rock that we used to set fire to and burn in fireplaces” He laughed long and hard The lad thinks that central heating has always been around He probably thinks that Jesus had a double radiator in the er
Sunday, December 3 The rabble on the estate have for fro a few discordant notes of Slade's Merry Christ to hand over a few silver coins are threatened that our wheelie bins will be pushed down the road and possibly overturned I phoned Greg dyke, our coet his voicemail
Monday, December 4 William has been chosen to play third shepherd in the school Nativity play I went to Habitat tonight and bought hiood enough for my son
Wednesday, December 6, Ashby-de-la-Zouch Williaed me to take hiht before cererotto on the third floor We stood at the front of the crowd and when Santa landed with his beard askew and his red suit in disarray fro me a PlayStation 2 for Christmas” Santa replied, ”Of course I will, lad” I could have killed the old git: How aether to buy a PlayStation; they are PS200 And, anyway, there are none to be had in the land Shall I tell the truth to WilliarizzledClub (a person who has no authority to make promises about Christmas presents), or do I wait until December 25 to see the disappointment on the kid's face?
My extended fae Day, or New Year's Eve Only one thing is certain; I will not be entertaining anybody in this house I can't even afford the Barbie Advent calendar that Williae if I could buy one for half price, being, as we are, half way through the et? He said he would put the Barbie Advent away until next year and get the full price So ood will to all rudging invitation to us to join her at The Lawn on Christ queues in Safeway She said, ”Colance into her trolley reminded me of her turkeyless and chocolateless attitude to the festivities Soya products predominated, and there were a dozen bottles of elderflower cordial No wonder et better and shake off his hospital-borne infection He planned to spend Christmas Day with Tracy Lintel, his barrier nurse The balloons, crackers and party-poppers are in the hospital steriliser even as I write