Part 5 (1/2)

I loathe Noddy, but I had pro story

It was Big Ears' birthday, so, to celebrate, Noddy drove his car to Toytown The pals went froot very red and the bell on Noddy's hat rang likeof Skittles accused Big Ears of being a pervert, and started a fight Mr Plod was called and saw Noddy head-butting the largest Skittle

'Hi ham takin' you to the nearest cash point,' said Mr Plod 'Tell me your PIN number Noddy' But, sadly, Noddy was too drunk to remember, so Mr Plod hit hiht

Wednesday, July 5, Arthur Askey Walk My father originally went into hospital with fractures of the leg and various other injuries, caused when he fell off a ladder while constructing a japanese-style paGoda for his neife, Tania, who is obsessed with all things Oriental

He's been in hospital forfrom a hospital-borne infection, and is now completely institutionalised When he hears the food trolley arrive at the end of the ward at 7am, 12 noon and 5pm, his mouth fills with saliva He claims to be happy there, says he has no worries: other people pay the bills, walk the dangerous streets, get immobilised in traffic jams, and do the Sainsbury's run

Sharon Bott, the mother of my son, Glenn, works as a cleaner at the hospital She says that, as part of an infection-control programme, her mop was taken away for laboratory tests She said that when the h the mill”

Thursday, July 6 I have just found a sheaf of poe the washbasin They are in Glenn's handwriting Why he feels the need to hide the evidence of a fine sensibility is a mystery to me This house is devoted to the creative spirit Williaardens in old shoe-boxes Perhaps he will grow up to be a landscape gardener like Capability Brown or Charlie Dimmock

My favourite poem is entitled Why?

Why?

Why, oh why do nice things die?

A leaf, a flower, a humble fly?

I will have to correct Glenn on an inaccuracy in this poem Flies are not nice They have vile personal habits My second-favourite poeoes up

When you drink froood for you

Coa-wealth

But I a, I have e

But know one thing, I'e

I can't have sexual intercourse,

I'm chaste like that Inspector Morse

When Glenn ca his head and blushed scarlet ”Don't tell no one, Dad,” he said

Saturday July 8 My mother has called a family conference I am the subject My father was on the end of his hospital telephone Others present were: Ivan Braithwaite, Tania, Mrs Worton, and my auntie Susan, a prison warder They are concerned that I a my life I pointed out that I am a full-time carer of two boys and a 90-year-old wo all those books if all you're going to do with that knowledge is to wash and iron and cook You ht as well have been born a woar and raked her fingers through her nuet you a job in the prison library”

To shut theht of being in contact with even literate prisoners fills me with horror Tania said that, in her opinion, I had an unhealthy fixation with old people ”Why can't you be content to do voluntary work in a retire with you in your hoone, Mrs Worton asked, ”Who was that stuck-up bitch in the kio to Wind-on-the-Wolds prison to be shown around the library There is a part-time job available, worse luck!

Thursday, July 13, Ashby-de-la-Zouch, Leicestershi+re My Mother has just phoned in a panic, gabbling about CJD She was once driven through the village of Queniborough on the way to a garden centre in Quorn and is now convinced that she is to be the next victim in the cluster of unfortunates to have contracted the deadly disease She has become a hypochondriac since Ivan Braithwaitethe chopping boards and sprinkling Dettol on the new dog's bedding