Part 4 (1/2)
Dum De Dum De Dum De Dum Dum De Dum De Du herself from any blame for Mr Dobson's abysed hiht, buy a new suit, dye his hair, get his teeth straightened and whitened He's only got himself to blame”
Saturday, May 6, Ashby-de-la-Zouch, Leicestershi+re My ive her driving lessons I laughed for quite a long time Eventually, she said, ”Yes or no?” I said, ”It would be disastrous, you can't even tell left froht” I asked her if she had requested that her new husband teach her She said, ”Ivan reckons that there are enough cars on the road already” I advised her to use public transport She said that there was no public transport to the cr?ton in the middle of the Leicestershi+re countryside
”Why won't Ivan take you to Saddington?” I asked
”Ivan gets nervous seeing soplace between untrained amateurs,” she said
Ivan used to be the chief accountant at a dairy until the cold winds of change knocked the milk bottles off the steps of time and replaced them with the cardboard carton in the super on: ”The last time ent to a boot-fair, Ivan coulations He said that both the buyers and the sellers were anarchists, and should bein an act of parliaulation Act
When she mentioned that there were Abba LPs and memorabilia for sale, I offered to take her one Sunday
Monday, May 8 My father continues to deteriorate in hospital He has now contracted a virus (the one caused by privatised cleaning) and is in an isolation ward His neife, Tania, is in ale of his weakened state to read Great Literature at hih Moby dick When she went out to go to the toilet, I asked orical seafaring tales ”I a”
I noticed that Tania had placed a copy of Silas Marner: The Weaver Of Raveloe on the bedside trolley It was obviously to be the next literary read-aloud treat I wondered if I should mention to her that my father has a violent antipathy to books, fil had once happened to hi of a shi+rley Teabardine round if she stuck to Raymond Chandler or the earlier dick Francis
Friday, May 12 Pa called round to say that she's founda canal basin in Leicester The present occupant, a Mrs Worton, is an OAP She is in hospital, but is nil by mouth, so Pamela reckons I can probably move in in a couple of weeks I said, ”Is she nil bystock?”
Pa a three-bedroom house and she is 97-years-old”
I said, ”Paton killed so that I can enjoy watching the narrow boats pass by ton was in She told me that it was the same one as my father, Pankhurst Ward - which was sort of appropriate Though Mrs Pankhurst chose to be nil by ton is nil by mouth because she has had a stroke and can't s properly She has no family or friends: ”They've all died off, lad,” she told me I used a cotton bud dipped in water to moisten her mouth ”I don't like to bother the nurses,” she croaked
Are pensioners to be my albatross? I can already feel her liver-spotted hand around my neck
Wednesday, May 17, 2000, Ashby-de-la-Zouch After a visit to ed by Tanya to sue the hospital for neglect and loss of dentures, I went to Pankhurst Ward to see Mrs Worh there is now so ability
I was there when a young doctor, in jeans and T-shi+rt (slogan: ”Trust , the ear, nose and throat consultant to have a look at you, Mrs Worton could drink a cup of tea ”Not yet We don't want to risk her choking to death,” she said ”I shall die if I don't have a cup of tea soon,” rasped Mrs Worton The doctor hurried off down the ward I followed her ”When will the consultant next be on the ward?” I said ”Mrs Ng's next ward round is on Friday afternoon,” she said
When the tea trolley caton, but she heard the wheels ”I've drank eight cups of tea a day for 92 years,” she choked The poor wo the equivalent of co off crack
When I went into the sluice rooistrar at the nurses station whining about the ”bed-blockers” When I said goodbye to Mrs Worton, she said, ”Tara lad, God bless, see you tomorrow” I'm trapped! Trapped!
Another pensioner has broken intome to ranso line was full of wincey-ette nighties and big knickers I explained, and he said, ”I'ht you was on the turn”
Saturday, May 20 I ith a jolt at 3a born (am I psychically connected to Cherie?) I went downstairs to discover that Pah the letterbox at soht On pink Filofax paper, she had written: Dear Adrian, I went out on a hen night with the girls froht Phillipa, the one with the teeth, is getting ' We went to Huhtclub in Melton Mowbray I felt terribly out of place It was full of teenage girls wearing very sarments I felt horribly frumpy in my Principles polka-dot outfit It's the last time I follow the advice of the Leicester Mercury's fashi+on correspondent
However, the point is, Adrian, the DJ played our song, My Heart Will Go On I had to leave the dancefloor Do you remember your e titanic? It was the first tied I ain? It was stupid of me to have flown into a temper over a silly book
Love, forever, Pammy
PS: Mary and Phillipa say you are welco I am to be their best person No presents, but donations to the Fawcett Society appreciated
PPS: I've had disturbing thoughts of yielding myself to you
Talk about black with her, she will ”yield” to ine that I am so sexually frustrated that I would spend another minute in the company of a woman who became hysterical when she discovered a copy of Philip Larkin's Diaries onwent off all right I was the only inning of the end for men? Pamela came back to Arthur Askey Way, but refused to ”yield” to sley Aton's knickers on the line
Sunday, May 28, Ashby-de-la-Zouch
The reseue is uncanny Each is the other's doppelg?nger Put Mr Hague in a ro embodiment of Master Blair Can Cherie and William account for their movements on the day of Leo's conception? I wouldn't be surprised if, even as I write, Mr Blair is angrily confronting a tearful Mrs Blair at Chequers And Ffion raph and questioned her husband's fidelity
My mother shares my suspicions - we have several children in our family whose paternity remains a mystery If I were Mr Blair, I would demand a DNA test immediately How can he concentrate on affairs of state or face Mr Hague across the dispatch box until he knows the Truth?
Incidentally, if aret Thatcher's love child) this wouldLeo has Thatcher's blood in his veins I do not usually prescribe to conspiracy theories, but in this case I feel compelled to warn somebody - but who?
Tuesday, May 30 Pandora is in the constituency to-down ceremony at St Barnabas' Library The barbecue in the library car park starts at 630pm I may take the boys I will also voiceblood alliance of Blair, Hague and Thatcher
Wednesday, May 31 It was a painful sight to see hardbacks being used to fuel the cooking of WhoppaBurgers and Buy A Big Boy Hot Dog The newly retired librarian, Mrs Froggatt, threw a few Barbara Cartlands on to the barbecue when the heat died down They flared up with an eerie, pink glow I ed to save some PG Wodehouses and Willia I could do for the others Glenn couldn't watch ”It ain't right, Dad,” he said Underneath his rough exterior, he is quite a sensitive lad
Pandora turned up at 7p that libraries are now redundant due to the growth of the internet
One old o on-line on 75p a week!”
I tried to talk to Pandora about et away, having realised that being photographed in front of a pyre of books was a potential public-relations disaster
Thursday, June 1 Mrs Worh to come out of hospital Her son, Ted, turned up out of the blue and tried to persuade her to go into a nursing ho her at the time with Glenn and William She hadn't seen Ted for 21 years, because of a row about a clock She was adamant that she wanted to return to her own ho daft, Mao into a nursing home, you'll have to come and live with me and Eunice”