Part 5 (2/2)
I tried to calive her ”For what,” I enquired, wondering which of her parental criers I used to serve up, three times a week,” she said ”I didn't know they were made of bits of old spinal chord and sawdust, Aidy”
I reassured her that the beefburgers ofthat I used to surreptitiously feed the dog with them It would take its place under the table whenever it saw s out of the freezer Personally, I' cod-in-butter-sauce food scare I must have consumed a shoal of the fish Then there's the frozen beef TV dinners for one, which we used to consuood, either ”It's 100 organic food for me from now on,” said my mother
”But you don't knohat to do with real food,” I reel and Jah her ill-equipped kitchen was full of celebrity chefs jostling for space
Friday, July 14 Mrs Worot an eight-berth caravan in a field near to the sea They asked if they could take William with them but I had to say no He is an impressionable lad and easily picks up on the Ludlows' verbal infelicities Yesterday he ca at their house, and when I told him it was ti me his left pal Leave a y Ludlow said that the Jerry Springer Show had been on while Willia with Vince Ludlow's socket set
Saturday, July 15 I watched the Inside Downing Street docuure of a ood head of hair He is altogether impressive Mr Blair, on the other hand, seemed lacklustre by comparison He has been transfor thethe bottle In fact, Tony has undergone a feminisation: his hair has turned fluffy, his voice has softened, his expression is girly, his hands eisha's Is he on a course of horrify him into Toni - the first woman Labour Prime Minister? The country should be warned We will need tiue, on the other hand, is aith testosterone lately He'll be starting a parliaels next if he doesn't watch his hor Mussolini-likein the spare room, like Prince Edward's wife?
Sunday, July 16 The Ludlows have returned ho the proton has been taken to hospital in Skegness She has been wrapped in a silver space blanket
When Auntie Susan rang rily why I'd not turned up at the prison library as proic bereavement
Wednesday, July 19, Ashby-de-La-Zouch The suton She was a perfectly fit, 90-year-old when she left my house in Ashby-de-La-Zouch on Friday, July 14, at 115p specific about details because Eunice, Mrs Worhter- in-law, has just left this house after calling to collect the dead one's belongings She accusedwoman to the east coast, to die”
It was only after she had driven off in her Reliant Robin that I realised that she was virtually accusing me of ed expert on litigation (she haunts the small-claims court) She advised me to seek the advice of her solicitor, Charlie Dovecote It costa nonagenarian to ride a donkey in a stiff east wind may have been foolhardy, but did not constitute murder
I found a bundle of old letters under Mrs Worlad that the horrible Eunice had eant Palmer, I hope you are now settled into your new quarters in Ypres and that the weather is pleasant We hear 's leadershi+p frolad that you are in such safe hands Thank you for asking me to call you Cedric However, I feel it is far too early in our friendshi+p for such intimacy We have only known each other for a year
Yours with best wishes, Miss Broadway This, I presuton's maiden name Social intercourse was conducted with such delicacy in those days It's no wonder that Mrs Worrubby little TV show Even I, an adin to tire of prime-time mammaries
Thursday, July 20 Williaone I said she had gone on a long journey to a place where she would be in peace I went on a bit, about Mrs Wor wild flowers under the war rays of the sun, etc Perhaps I went too far down the pastoral path, because when Willia Glenn clean his roller-blade boots I heard hione to live in Teletubby Land”
Friday, July 21 A car in which Jack Straas being conveyed was stopped by police for speeding at 103ht to bear on thefrom the tirade of abuse I received frolove Avenue, a 30mph zone When I remarked, humorously, ”I'm not exactly Jereot more hair, and is almost certainly richer andhim to the Police Complaints Board, but wasn't sure if sarcash I still feel hurt by it
Saturday, July 22 I went to see Pandora at the MP's surgery today I wanted to talk to her about my theory that Mr Blair has secretly embarked on a course of hormones that will transform him from Tony to Toni I re a suit
”Don't be so bloody ridiculous,” she snapped ”Get out and give your seat to a constituent with a genuine proble to see her ”Apathetic bastards,” she raged of the electorate ”I could have stayed in London and picked upfroed, boring sport
Monday, July 24, Ashby-de-la-Zouch
There was a surprisingly large turn-out for Mrs Wor I hadn't known she was a member of soAmnesty International, the Fox And Ferret ladies' darts team and the Cacti Club of Great Britain I hadn't realised she had such Catholic tastes
In the tied with h towards the end of her life she spoke obsessively about the state of the Queen Mother's teeth Williaavein the church The boy has a voice like a town crier He let me down only once, when he asked, in the lull between a hymn and a prayer, ”Dad, why do old people smell?” The church was packed with the elderly, who failed to see the charm or hu the pew shouted to his deaf neighbour, ”He wants a bloody good hiding” I had warned William what to expect: that there would be a box called a coffin and that Mrs Worton would be inside it, dead He seemed to take in this fact, but when the coffin started to be lowered into the grave, Williaton” He said later, at hoht dead people came back to life, like Kenny in South Park At the service, I read a poeh ht it was gross self-indulgence on my part and should never have been torn froton
She was not a little old lady
She was six foot tall
She didn't smile sweetly