Part 4 (2/2)
A look of horror passed over her multi-wrinkled face While Ted went to telephone Eunice, Mrs Worton clutched at my sleeve She said, ”Don't let him take me to live with him and Eunice I'll be dead in a week That Eunice is a er - she's never been known to crack her face” When Ted came back, he said that Eunice was still resentful about the clock Glenn announced, ”It's alright, she's comin' 'ome with us” I could easily have killed hi off the Queen Mother ”She's never done a hand's turn in her life,” she said ”No wonder she's always smilin'” She moves in with us tomorrow The adult Pampers delivery service has been alerted
Saturday, June 3, Ashby-de-la-Zouch Because of Mrs Wor history book pers an anecdote about the little boat, the Betty Grable, that her younger brother Cedric sailed across the English Channel during the evacuation ”He weren't the sa and joined the Comh to banish hiton family ”I used to write to him in secret,” she said ”And on his birthday I'd send hilued to the Dunkirk coverage across television, hoping to see Cedric on the Betty Grable
Sunday, June 4 My ton and the boys while I went to see , but he is still ill with the infection he caught in hospital Apparently, his body has shrugged off iven to hi about this - as in ”there's not an antibiotic alive that can touch George Mole”
Tania, his neife, has worked hard to turn him into a arden paGoda accident, he has reverted to type: the Sun is delivered to his bed everyby the Woy ite ihed out loud at the end of Jonathan Livingston Seagull
When I arrive hoenerational har in a circle passing the nit comb from one to the other Williaain
Ivan Braithwaite canosed as suffering fro-powder aisle at Safeway He was observed on a CCTV ca up and down the aisle for a full 20calculations on a notepad He then knelt by the boxes of Persil biological tablets and wept Whenin the ry and thirsty He'd been offered tea or coffee and ginger nuts or digestives, but had, of course, been unable to choose between them
I don't like the man, but I sympathise with his affliction My own te between the hundreds of sha novel Since finishi+ng with Pa better than ever I have done before Was P Pig blocking me in some way?
Tuesday, June 6 While the boys were at school and Mrs Wor her feet done by a peripatetic chiropodist, I wrote 250 words of Sty Should I givehumanity? I need literary advice from an editor
10pm Just looked up ”Editors” on the net and found the editor of the year
To: Walrus Books, Kensington Dear Louise Moore,
Congratulations on your prestigious win My name is Adrian Mole I am a full-time carer and part-time novelist and dramatist (as yet unpublished and unperforress is a strea I have sets think about all day May I come to see you? I remain, madam your most humble and obedient servant,
Adrian Mole
Friday, June 8, Ashby-de-la-Zouche I am on the very horns of a dilemma An insert fell out of my Daily Express today, a colourful shi+ny piece of A6 paper headed ”Celebrity Star Match!” invited me to scratch off the panel on an illustration of a Mercedes convertible, to reveal a picture of a famous star I did as instructed Slowly, as a tiny pile of an to see features of Ca over my shoulder ”Oos she when she's at 'ome?” she said (the last time she went to the cinema was to see Rock Hudson I pray she never finds out that Rock had to steel himself to kiss Doris Day, the truth could easily kill her) I carried on reading the instructions: ”Now, one at a tiside” At this point, Glenn and Williaed to be allowed to scratch two panels each Glenn read further instructions aloud as Willia picture - stop scratching - you're a winner!” Alas, his vigorous ith the two-pence piece revealed Toton peered at these two a heart-throbs and pronounced them ”Nancy boys” who looked as if they ”couldn't stuff a lavender bag”
William pronounced himself to be ”devastated” at his failure Ia deleterious effect on his vocabulary He has no sense of proportion He fell off his tricycle yesterday When I asked hiet on with the rest of rew as Glenn picked up the coin He took a deep breath and scratched away The features of Saton confused him with Michael Jackson and seemed to be under the impression that M Jackson had actually married his pet chimpanzee, Bubbles I tried to explain to her that the ape had, in fact, been the best , but I could see that the ways of the modern world were beyond her comprehension
The atmosphere was now so tense that I could feel the word ”palpable” vibrating in the air of the room Glenn closed his eyes in silent prayer, then scratched at the fourth panel Unbelievably, incredibly, the srey filings Our collective shout of delight brought Vince and Peggy Ludlow round from next door ”I've won a Mercedes, Dad!” shouted Glenn and we had a collective hug, though we didn't include Mrs Worton, who has brittle bones I read on feverishly
”Winners can find out what they've won right now Just call 0906 551 1020 and listen Have a pen ready to write down your personal claims number which you will need if you claim a prize”
I turned the leaflet over Glenn hadn't necessarily won a convertible Mercedes, though for at least 10 deliriously happy seconds, he thought he had He told me later that he had fantasised in that short ti to school in the silver car with the hood down and gangsta rap playing on the in-car stereo He'd parked next to the headround with the car keys swinging froer I had to break the news to hi: a weekend in Cannes with PS500, a dishwasher, a set of hardwood garden furniture, or, even lesser prizes such as key cases, razor sets, kitchen scissors and y read further down the leaflet and pointed out that to discover what Glenn had actually ould cost er than 35 minutes
You see my dilemma, diary? Do I fork out more than three quid only to find that Glenn has won a packet of ainst exploitation and risk losing a convertible Mercedes?
Thursday, June 22, Ashby-de-la-Zouch, Leicestershi+re There is great excitement in the street Brandon Ludlow, 22-year-old soccer fan, is due hoium A banner has been erected outside the Ludlows' house It says Welcoland Ro a quietabout Jane Austen with his friend, ”Mad Dog” Jackson, when a brutal Belgian policeear thrashed hi Jackson escaped, but Brandon was restrained with a cable tie and thrown into the back of a police van where he lay, face down, only inches from a pool of urine When the van was full, it was driven to a police station Brandon was pushed towards a holding cell, where he and 40 others stood until daybreak Brandon was not allowed to phone the Ludlows, his family (and anyway, it would have been a futile exercise since the Ludlows' phone had been cut off by BT for non-payian prime minister as soon as she finds out who he is As she was preparing the party food, she said, ”Adrian, our Brandon is the only one of an Our Brandon's always been a strange kid, you know, reading books for pleasure and talking about things that none of the rest of us are interested in”
She told me that Brandon only went to thean essay about David Beckha to see it published in the London Review Of Books
4p, whistles blowing, Dober - that Brandon has arrived home We have all been invited to the party Glenn and Willia in Charleroi avidly
In fact, they have shownon the streets than they have shown in the football on the pitch Mrs Worton talked to me as I ironed one of her vast, full-skirted sulishmen have always behaved like Barbarians when they have travelled abroad as a group She said, ”How do you think we n countries It weren't the liade what done it and coloured thea hat to the Ludlows' party, seely under the i to rather than the front roo talk to Brandon, who is indeed a sensitive, intelligent, young er self, before I becale fatherhood and the endless round of doenarian) Over Mother's Pride and Kraft processed cheese sandwiches, we discussed his ordeal Brandon said that his night in the cells was only made tolerable by the fact that a barrister had also been arrested and had happened to have a copy of last week's Spectator et his fellow hooligans to chant Boris Johnson's naave up and went to sleep, but only after confessing to Brandon a particularly lurid sexual fantasy that included Petronella Wyatt and Bruce Anderson
After a heated discussion with Vince Ludlow about Mrs Worthington's habit of banging on the party ith an orthopaedic shoe every tiress, I took my family home
Sunday, June 25 Brandon came round as promised to read ht A lot of work has gone into the first three chapters Brandon looked up after the first few pages and said that he thought it was ahero Lucifer, as it set up false Mephistophelean expectations in the reader I could have done without such stinging criticism but I have to concede that Brandon has a point While waiting for the washi+ng machine to finish its cycle, I re-christened Lucifer and call hi what a difference this has made to the tone It now reads like a children's book I ory Watch out, Harry Potter Peter Pig is on the way!
Saturday, July 1, Ashby-de-la-Zouch, Leicestershi+re To kill two birds with one stone, I decided to read the opening chapter of Sty! to William as a bedtime story The political and philosophical sub-text will be beyond hirip hiraphs, he bleated that he wanted a Noddy And Big Ears story, but I persevered
Peter Pig lifted his porcine head frorey East-Midlands sky A cloud, which looked like a Boots cotton-wool ball, scudded across the afore Waterloo station
Peter sighed and walked around the sty The filth and , the condition he had to live in, he thought Why should far and his wife, Pamela, enjoy the comfort of carpets and vinyl tiles under foot while he and his fellow pigs be condeh their own excrement
Peter looked over the sty, towards the patio where far a barbecue for their friends The foul stench caused by pork fat dripping on Do It All charcoal briquettes drifted over to hi his eyes to run He listened to the conversations of the hued on their buffet, which Pa since the Archers finished on the radio
Peter watched the guests quaffing Bucks Fizz and longed to feel the liquid in his own s, Antonia and Miles, were having a heated discussion about the nature of existence Peter sighed, he was sick of philosophical debate It was just his luck to be trapped in a sty with two intellectuals How he craved for small talk! He twitched his ears towards the patio He strained to hear the conversation
'Well, I'rey-haired h' A well-presented woman called Barbara hissed: 'Not here, Ken, there's a chap called Derek froherkin jar' 'I won't be silenced,' Ken thundered 'It's unmanly of Tony to stab her in the back' From the sty, Peter watched as Derek turned froed towards Ken and Barbara
It was at this point that Willia a Noddy story However, I continued with Sty! for a few roup of people provided the small talk that Peter thirsted for From a woman in white jeans, he heard: 'We do support the comprehensive system, but our children are terribly sensitive, so' And a ot to coht ours for' Peter was in heaven Later that night, the barbecue long extinguished, Peter looked up at the stars and ruminated on the nature of small talk To help him sleep, he practised the art He selected one of his favourite topics: 'Call this a summer? I can't remember the last time the sun shone'
Within minutes, William was asleep
Sunday, July 2