Part 3 (1/2)

c) Do you ring hi to saunas?

e) Are you afraid to have your hair cut in case he doesn't like it?

f) Are you writing overwrought poetry about nature?

I sat at the kitchen table with a cup of Kenco and a ballpoint, and quickly found out that I a office to tell her so ( officer, Terry Nutting, told iven Pamela ”co thinks he is such a wit He'll be laughing on the other side of his beardy face when Pa is an inco the personal adds in Private Eye

She said, in that sweet voice of hers (like a zephyr blowing across a linnet's egg), ”Terry Nutting wouldn't recognise a homeless person if he fell over one in a shop doorway”

Friday, March 31 Pa onon lance in her direction for seconds at a tio quite so short: her head is a rather peculiar shape, and her scalp is criss-crossed with scars and the evidence of childhood accidents

Saturday, April, 1 - April Fool's Day At 1130a to say that there was a letter at their house addressed todyke, head bloke at the BBC, to say that he had read the Restless Tadpole, my epic poem, and wanted Andrew Davies to adapt it for BBC2 When I asked her to fax h and put the phone down

Sunday, April 2 So, I have reached the age of 33 - the saave othic print ”Happy Birthday Single Father” There was a picture of a e and staring down into a river - as though he was thinking about throwing himself in Perhaps to escape his responsibilities Willia shells, lentils and crushed cornflakes I thanked hi, especially when half the world is starving

Monday, April 3, 2000, Arthur Askey Way My love affair with Pah ”full union”, as she calls it, has yet to take place Pa one she took out of her briefcase, we discovered that it had been issued in 1998 We decided not to risk it Paet it out of the way, Adrian”

I explained that I hadn't kept condoms in the house since William took one to nursery school as his contribution to the hot-air-balloon le-eyed Ofsted inspector who spotted the ”big boy arouser” rising between the cotton-wool cloud

Pao to Stockport next weekend to ly” She asked ht head cold since we met

Tuesday, April 4 The Ludlows held a welcoht I went next door at 10pone to bed I don't want my boys to associate the word ”prison” with the word ”party” Vince said he had seen Jonathan Aitken in the prison chapel, and had witnessed Mr Aitken's religious fervour Vince said, ” 'e was shakin' 'is tambourine so 'ard that 'is Rolex fell off” Vince told hly unlikely that another son/jockey and father/ trainer coot home She said she was in bed with a Trollope ”Anthony or Joanna?” I asked Pah I'd s' don't like children, soWillia to his ht not to tell her father that I am an unpublished poet and novelist I pointed out that I have published two cookery books: Offaly Good and Offaly Good Again She told etarian and a for

Friday, April 7, The Olde Forge, Stockport He is even worse than I feared ”Call ro gar session on an artificial slalom course on the River Tees He has offered to takewas loading her van in preparation for a country fayre, at which she sells the hedgehog boot scrapers she g was showing le bed, she asked me to call her Snouty When I enquired what her real Christian na that raph on the , which had been taken outside a church and been attended by a vicar holding a copy of the Old Testaht, as Mr Pigg did not approve of sex before long-ters took ht A cardboard cut-out of the TV chef Brian Turner welcoround to a halt over pre-dinner drinks, when Porky discovered that I a in a council house The tension was palpable Pa tic in her left eye

But all was not lost because Porky and I chose the lightly breaded deep-fried mushrooms at PS295 (with a choice of two dips) Porky and I now have so in common: ill talk about our Beefeater experience for many years to come

Thank you, Mr Turner

Monday, April 10, 2000, Arthur Askey Way Williaht when he is seven He was htay Teletubbie I didn't press hi me since our weekend with her parents I fear that beside the hirsute masculinity of her father I appear a poor specie of the early poetry of Philip Larkin cannot co's ability to roll a double kayak in white water I could tell that my refusal to join Porky in his flimsy plastic boat sowed doubts in Pamela's mind

Did sos were incoene pool? Whatever - as they say on Jerry Springer - she was very quiet as we drove south and didn't offer her tongue when I kissed her goodnight Ugh

Tuesday, April 11 Thisfull of toilet rolls and squashed cereal packets and was a, ”We can't play at school any more, Dad, so don't collect 'em up”

At home time, I broke the rules and waited outside Willialass panel in the door I saw that the children were sitting in rows being taught exam techniques by an ”exa assistant) The weather chart and the nature table were nowhere to be seen The hae was empty

There were various exhortations around the rooood, play is bad” on the white board The children dipped their pens in their inkwells and copied this slogan down Since when has it been coain Mrs Parvez has uidelines

She won't be content until the children are wearing clogs

Wednesday, April 12 I eress was slow I onlythe title and runted in its sty It was deeply sad Sos hich it shared a ho ”They are oblivious to the fact that they arehad felt discontented since it had glira farne had brought hos that it was co of the world beyond the sty

Notes on new novel

1 Should the pig have a nahts be in quotes?

3 Has the story got legs? Or is thea character, ie, being (a) unable to co the sty?

Sunday, April 16 Pae and accusingit into ”fifth-rate art” She read my manuscript of Sty which I had foolishly left on the kitchen table under a copy of Men's Health As she ran to her car, I shouted, ”I'e where we can for ourofficer We must cancel the artist's e 124 of Men's Health - bed-busting sex, for my art, of course

Monday, April 17, 2000, Arthur Askey Way Williaed me for PS249 today He wants to buy a booster pack of Pokemon cards When I refused, he burst into tears and threw himself down on the kitchen floor Glenn caive 'iround”

Apparently, there are 151 characters in a set and William has only collected 37 of theMarks & Spencer's trainers, Dad?” Glenn has never forgiven o to school in my M&S trainers when his own Nikes disappeared He still wakes in the night sweating and crying out for the NSPCC