Part 6 (1/2)
”Well, sir, I've not denied I did write it”
”Denied you did write it!” I exclai passion; ”what do you h the town and by your calling ht if anybody had written anony short measure? You would have said it was a libel, and you would also have said that a charge of that kind ought to be made publicly and not anonymously You seem to think, nevertheless, that it is no sin to ruin me anonymously”
”Mr Rutherford, I AM sure I am your friend I wish you well, sir, both here”--and Mr Snale tried to be very soleard to the letter, I don't see it as you do, sir But, sir, if you are going to talk in this tone, I would advise you to be careful We have heard, sir”--and here Mr Snale began to sirimace--”that some of your acquaintances in your native town are of opinion that you have not behaved quite so well as you should have done to a certain young lady of your acquaintance; and what is more, we have marked with pain here, sir, your fahter, and we have noticed their coe in your doctrine since these parties attended there”
At the word ”daughter” Mr Snale grinned again, apparently to somebody behind me, and I found that one of his shopwo-house, unobserved byon, and that she was snals In a moment the blood rushed to my brain I was as little able to control myself as if I had been shot suddenly down a precipice
”Mr Snale, you are a contemptible scoundrel and a liar”
The effort on him was comical He cried:
”What, sir!--what do you ospel--if you were not, I would--a liar”--and he swung round hastily on the stool on which he was sitting, to get off and grasp a yard-ainst the fireplace But the stool slipped, and he caot up, but as he rose a carriage stopped at the door, and he recognised one of his best custo the dust off his trousers, and s his hair, he rushed out without his hat, and in ato his patron I passed hi out, but the oily film of subserviency on his face was not broken for an instant
When I got horet anything more than the loss of self-mastery I had been betrayed, and yet I could not for the life of me see how the betrayal could have been prevented It was upon iven me for reflection, the words were out of my mouth I was distinctly conscious that the _I_ had not said those words They had been spoken by so in me which was beyond my reach Nor could I foresee how to prevent such a fall for the future
The only advice, even nohich I can give to those who coradation as passion brings, is to watch the first risings of the storm, and to say ”Beware; be watchful,” at the least indication of a tempest Yet, after every precaution, we are at theof a capeus with all sails spread, may overset us and wreck us irretrievably
My connection with the chapel was now obviously at an end I had no , and I detern
After a little delay I wrote a letter to the deacons, explaining that I had felt a growing divergence froht heretofore in Water Lane, and I wished consequently to give upthat nation had been accepted; I preached a farewell ser with a quarter's salary in my pocket, a few bills to pay, and a blank outlook
What was to be done? My first thought was towards Unitarianism, but when I came to cast up the sum-total of what I was assured, it seemed so ridiculously small that I was afraid The occupation of a merely miscellaneous lecturer had always seeet up Sunday after Sunday and retail to people little scraps suggested by what I ard to the great subjects--for the exposition of which the Christian minister specially exists--how much did I know about theospel to proclaio out and tell ible; but not so the position of a ospel
What reason for continuance as a preacher could I claim? Why should people hearot the less I appeared to believe Nakeder and nakeder had I becoe of every year, and I trembled to anticipate the co I should be reduced
What the dogma of iard to God I was no better God was obviously not a person in the clouds, and what more was really firoverned by immutable laws? These laere not what is commonly understood as God Nor could I discern any ulti was full of contradiction On the one hand was infinite misery; on the other there were exquisite adaptations producing the highest pleasure; on the one hand thedisease, and on the other the equal lory of the sunrise on a su over a quiet su on the follies of theism If he had made the world, he would have made it much better
He would not have racked innocent souls with years of torture, that tyrants ht live in splendour He would not have permitted the earthquake to s up thousands of har aside all dependence upon the theory of a couh
It would have been easy to show that a world such as he iines is unthinkable directly we are serious with our conception of it On whatever lines the world her and a lower; and the lower, relatively to the higher, her and lower both are makes no difference The supremest bliss would not be bliss if it were not definable bliss--that is to say, in the sense that it has li else not so supreht, without shadow, is a physical absurdity I see a thing because it is lighted, but also because of the differences of light, or, in other words, because of shade, and without shade the universe would be objectless, and in fact invisible
The atheist was dreaht, a contradiction in terms
Mankind may be iood and evil must exist So with death and life Life without death is not life, and death without life is equally ih all this careat co like that to which I listened froospel from which to derive apostolic authority There remained morals I could become an instructor of morality I could warn tradesmen not to cheat, children to honour their parents, and people generally not to lie The mission was noble, but I could not feel much enthusiasm for it, and more than this, it was a fact that reformations in ood, but have always been the result of an enthusiasm for some City of God, or some supereminent person
Besides, the people whom it was most necessary to reach would not be the people ould, unsolicited, visit a Unitariana nuth inthe nonsense of orthodoxy, ht of it Wherein would men be helped, and wherein should I be helped?
There were only two persons in the toho had ever been of any service to me One was Miss Arbour, and the other was Mardon But I shrank from Miss Arbour, because I knew that eneration, and as to Mardon, I never saw hi any advice from him He was perfectly clear, perfectly secular, and was so definitely shaped and settled, that his line of conduct ht always be predicted beforehand with certainty I knew very hat he thought about preaching, and what he would tell me to do, or rather, what he would tell me not to do
Nevertheless, after all, I was a victim to that weakness which impels us to seek the assistance of others e know that what they offer will be of no avail Accordingly, I called on him Both he and Mary were at home, and I was received with ned, for the neas all over the town
I said I was in great perplexity
”The perplexities of most persons arise,” said Mardon, ”as yours probably arise, fro exactly what you want to do
For one person who stumbles and falls with a perfectly distinct object to be attained, I have known a score whose disasters are to be attributed to their not having made themselves certain what their aim is You do not knohat you believe; consequently you do not kno to act”