Part 5 (1/2)
I knehat I ought to do, but Ellen's is, and I pictured her deserted and with her life spoiled I said to myself that instinct is all very well, but for what purpose is reason given to us if not to reason with it; and reasoning in the main is a correction of what is called instinct, and of hasty first impressions I knew many cases in which men and women loved one another without similarity of opinions, and, after all, siical criticism is a poor bond of union But then, no sooner was this pleaded than the other side of the question was propounded with all its distinctness, as Miss Arbour had presented it
I caue, and went to bed
Fortunately I sank at once to rest, and with the ht to do, it was ly, Isomebody to supply my place in the pulpit for a couple of Sundays, and went home
CHAPTER VI--ELLEN AND MARY
I now found o to Ellen at once and say plainly, ”I have ceased to care for you”? I did what all weak people do
I wished that destiny would take the iven the world if I could have heard that Ellen was fonder of soht came to me I saw its baseness But destiny was determined to try me to the uttermost, and make the task as difficult for me as it could be made
It was Thursday when I arrived, and somehow or other--how I do not know--I found myself on Thursday afternoon at her house She was very pleased to see me, for many reasons My last letters had been doubtful and the tiht, was at hand
I, on my part, could not but return the usual embrace, but after the first feords were over there was a silence, and she noticed that I did not look well Anxiously she askedhad been upon ht it ht to knohat had happened When ere first engaged we both professed the saradually departed, and it seemed to me that it would be wicked if she were not made acquainted before she took a step which was irrevocable This was true, but it was not quite all the truth, and with a wo that was in h!”--a nicknaet rid of uish than I did then I could not speak, much less could I weep, and I sat and watched her for some minutes in silence My first impulse was to retract, to put ht be, Deist or Atheist, nothing should separate ht of the cruel injustice put upon her, the display of an emotion which I had never seen in her before, almost overain and again have I failed to make out what it is which, insome deadly mistake, when I have not been aware of the conscious exercise of any authority of my own At last I said -
”Ellen, what else was I to do? I cannot helpyou had found out that you had h! you are not a Unitarian, you don't love ainst hysterics I was afraid she would get ill
I thought nobody was in the house, and I rushed across the passage to get her some stimulants When I came back her father was in the room
He was my aversion--a fussy, conceited hter” to me in a tone which was very repulsive--just as if she were his property, and he were her natural protector against me
”Mr Rutherford,” he cried, ”what is the hter? What have you said to her?”
”I don't think, sir, I am bound to tell you It is a matter between Ellen and myself”
”Mr Rutherford, I demand an explanation Ellen is mine I am her father”
”Excuse me, sir, if I desire not to have a scene here just now Ellen is unwell When she recovers she will tell you I had better leave,”
and I walked straight out of the house
NextI had a letter from her father to say, that whether I was a Unitarian or not, h to be one Anyhow, he had forbidden her all further intercourse with me
When I had once more settled down in my solitude, and came to think over what had happened, I felt the self-conde able to accuse myself of a cri ht; no matter what the wrench may be But that Ellen was a victiainst her, it was co before our separation It was nine-tenthsmore heinous; and the worst of it is, that while there is nothing which a reater consequence than the choice of a wo he does in which he is more liable to self- deception
On my return I heard that Mardon was ill, and that probably he would die During my absence a contested election for the county had taken place, and our toas one of the polling-places The lower classes were violently Tory During the exciteoing to his work, and had reviled hi their theism they had cursed him with many oaths, and had so sorely beaten him that the shock was almost fatal I went to see hi that he would not get better, but perfectly peaceful
I knew that he had no faith in immortality, and I was curious beyond measure to see hoould encounter death without such a faith; for the probleas best I could to protectsince seen the absurdity and impossibility of the ordinary theories of hell and heaven I could not give up rave, but the moment I came to ask myself hoas involved in contradictions Immortality is not really immortality of the person unless the memory abides and there be a connection of the self of the next world with the self here, and it was incredible to me that there should be any memories or any such connection after the dissolution of the body; moreover, the soul, whatever it may be, is so intimately one with the body, and is affected so seriously by the weaknesses, passions, and prejudices of the body, that without it my soul would not be myself, and the fable of the resurrection of the body, of this same brain and heart, was more than I could ever s in reatest difficulty was the inability to believe that the Als, all the countless millions of barbaric, half-bestial forms which, since the appearance of e or civilised
Is it like Nature's way to be so careful about individuals, and is it to be supposed that, having produced, o, a creature scarcely nobler than the aniers, she should take pains to maintain him in existence for evermore? The law of the universe everywhere is rather the perpetual rise froher; an immortality of aspiration after etfulness of its comparative failures