Chapter 92 - Existence Is Pain (2/2)
I can't be sure, but when I got done speaking I think it's the first time I'd ever seen Mary look sad. Like honestly sad. Or maybe pitying.
”There's something broken in you.”
”I mean you could say that for everyone.”
”It's not the same, ” She walked on. ”Not at all.” Alright, fine, so it's a little different. ”You think it'd be so simple and clean. That people could just move on. It wouldn't be. They couldn't, not that easily.”
”The f.u.c.k? Hey, I never said it'd be easy! Gimme some credit, m'kay? But yeah they should totally be able to move on after, like, a couple months at least. It's not like there's anyone who just can't live on without me. In fact, if they couldn't then that'd be some weak shit right there. But maybe we should just stop the topic? You're obviously getting bummed out by it.”
”I simply don't understand how you can think so little of yourself. Why you would think you dying would be an event that could just pass by so smoothly.”
”Hey, you're the one who brought it up first. I was just being honest.”
”That's what makes it so heartbreaking. People care about you. ”
”Yeah, sure, some people. But like I said. They'd get over it. I'd call 'em idiots if they couldn't. Look, I just have a different perspective than you. Let's leave it at that.” I got only five more steps before I sighed and said, ”Look, it's just not the same, alright? Don't think I don't care about anything, or that I don't care about you guys. Because I do. The only reason I don't care about dying myself is because if I die maybe I'd be able to find everyone again. But it's different for you. If you guys die I'd never find you. So maybe it seems like I don't give a damn, but I do. Just not in the same way.”
I knew she didn't understand what I meant by that. But I understood, and that's the crux of all this. I might still keep my memories a second time, it's even likely. But how would I find Dolly or Vee if they died? I care about those two alot. If they died, maybe I could let it go. If they were decent deaths, then maybe. But if someone killed them? If someone caused them to die? I would do terrible things. Unspeakable things. Just to rage, just to vent.
Someone could hold a knife to their throats and threaten to kill them. You think that given how much I say I care, that I'd do anything to stop that. Maybe freeze up. No. I'd say, ”Do it.” And if they were really killed the things I would do would be goddamn biblical.
I'm not an absolutely evil guy. I did care about almost accidentally killing innocent people, after all. But I'm definitely not anyone good, either. If I were to really get worked up people would stop being people.
Most days? Other than those I really care about, everyone else just barely qualifies already. Death is nothing to be afraid of. It, she, is not scary at all. In fact, she's quite pleasant. Sending people to her isn't something I particularly mind.
What's scary is losing people to her. What's scary is what comes after her: Life.
Wanna know why people forget their past lives? Because they have to. Because if they don't, many souls would forever remain in limbo just because they keep hoping to see someone who'd likely already reincarnated themselves.
Knowing you'd never be able to see your loved ones again is just so crushing to some people that they can't get over it themselves.
Luckily my past life, the one I CAN remember, was not full of epic familial or romantic love. My brothers were friendly enough, but only that. And my sister? I think she either disliked me or didn't care enough for even that.
This life? I'm just not the type of person people could ever love to that extent, and I wouldn't want them to either. Being loved ”just enough” is more than enough and, frankly, much more than I deserve given my personality.
I was never told why I couldn't forget my last life. Death is a mysterious woman. But I was told I'd likely remember my next, and the next, and the next.
People are lucky they can forget. I don't have that luxury, apparently. I know everyone I know will die eventually. I know I'll never see them again after they do. That's why it will ALWAYS be much better if I die before them. At least then I could have a chance at seeing them again, even if it will inevitably not really matter in the end.
I'd be better off forgetting. Or not caring. Letting go. F.u.c.k that shit right now. I'm only a couple lives in. Let's see how many lifetimes of losing everyone I care about it takes before I really become an apathetic asshole, eh?
Before then I'm not going to think about this stuff much and just enjoy myself.
”Now, let's go discuss potential powerups for me so I can go teach them featherheads a lesson.”
”No. We're going to get you out of the realm so you don't get assaulted again.”
”If I go would you and Vee come with me?”
”I couldn't even if I wanted to. I'm rooted to this world. I can't leave it. If I do, it dies.”
Oh. Well. That sucks. ”I'm not leaving either then. Tsk. Shame. I did kinda want to see other realms, too.” Eh, maybe in another life. ”I mean I know I could just go for a visit, but it wouldn't be any fun without my favorite big tree.”
”Damien, please.” The woman grabbed at my hand. ”Just this once, be reasonable. You might not care, but I, at least, don't want to see something like that happen to you again.”
”Relax. I actually just thought of a plan. It's a good one. Say, on a completely unrelated note did mother ever tell you about any livable, preferably uninhabited planets nearby? Barren is also good. Also do my Dragon brethren have any xianxia-style starsh.i.p.s capable of holding, say, a few billion people?”
I already planted one little tree in my heart. It's about time I planted one big one.
”....You can't seriously be thinking what I think you're thinking, right?”
”Oh you best believe I am.”
Everyone, don't panic...but I'm basically about to initiate an apocalyptic event for entirely selfish reasons that may or may not kill millions upon millions of people and force them to adapt to an entirely new realm possibly full of plants and animals they know nothing about.