Part 16 (2/2)

”How's your man doing?” my Mom asked.

I silently looked down at my hands that were resting in my lap to avoid eye contact with Lexus.

She smiled and, with a small giggle, she said, ”He is fine.”

My mother flashed that fake smile again and said, ”That's wonderful.” Then she turned her attention to me. ”How are they treating you in here? Is it prison, like you thought it was?”

”No,” I said. ”It's okay.”

”Do you see a doctor?” Lexus asked.

”Yes, I see Dr. Cuvo every day,” I told her.

”Oh, yes, it's Dr. Cuvo. How is he?” Mom asked.

”I guess he's okay. He seems fine when I see him,” I said.

I was waiting for more questions when I noticed Chris leaning over his table, staring at Lexus. He blushed when she turned to him and said h.e.l.lo. He waved to her and looked away. Lexus turned back to us, and rolled her eyes, annoyed.

I could tell the change from Chris to Jake by the sudden way he went from being coy to being a.s.sertive, and making vulgar gestures at her. Lexus didn't understand the transition, and she almost got up out of her seat, but his older brother explained to her Chris' condition. Chris sat, silently confused, because he couldn't recall what had happened. His brother didn't want to tell him, but Chris apologized anyway. Chris and his brother went to the other side of the room so that Lexus wouldn't feel too uncomfortable.

The damage was done already.

Lexus looked at me and said, ”Is it always like this in here?”

”Well, Lexus,” I responded, ”This is a mental hospital.”

”Yes, it is,” she said in a sn.o.bbish tone.

My mother kept her gaze on me. I could tell that she was uncomfortable too, but she was trying to stay poised. She was probably waiting for Lexus to leave so that she could get whatever she needed to say to me off her chest.

Lexus' cell phone rang, and she reached into her purse. She answered, ”This is Lexus. Hey, you! Of course, I won't be late. I was just finis.h.i.+ng up at the hospital.”

She turned to me and smiled. Then she excused herself and walked away from the table to the other side of the room to have more privacy.

Feeling alone, I turned to my mother. I wondered whom Lexus was speaking with. Almost sure of whom it was, wanting to be sure of whom it was, and worried about being alone with Mom after Lexus left me, I felt completely empty and overwhelmed at the same time. I hated when I felt that way.

”Nicholas and Alison both miss you,” Mom said.

”I miss them,” I said as I nervously pulled at my sleeves.

The silence came back. We stared at each other when the other person was not looking. I thought that we'd go on like that until Lexus came back, but I was wrong. It wasn't too long before Mom unleashed her true emotions.

”Just tell me. Why the h.e.l.l did you do it?” She was stern and mean, but kept her voice low so that no one else could hear.

I shuddered when she spoke.

”What are you trying to do to me?” She blinked a lot when she got angry. ”Are you mad at me about something? Is this some cry for attention? Jesus! You are almost eighteen years old, Kristen. You are almost an adult. This is not the way adults behave. Children do stupid things for attention.”

I felt so alone and stupid. I wanted to say, No, Mom, it was not a cry for help or attention. I want to die. Just let me die. I couldn't say anything. I stayed silent, and I listened to her talk. I tried not to cry, but I couldn't help it. Mom just wouldn't understand.

”Talk to me!” She caught herself before she got too loud.

I opened my mouth, but only a cry came out. I covered my face with both of my hands when I saw Geoffrey look over from the desk.

Mom sighed heavily. ”I can't do this,” she said as she threw her hands up into the air. ”I don't understand. Help me understand. What is your problem? I believe that you knew what you were doing. How did you think this would affect us? What about Nick and Alison? Do you think they need a sister who they learn what not to do from? Do you think they know how to feel when their big sister, who they are told to look up to, goes and does something completely selfish and stupid like what you did? Huh? Answer that for me, Kristen.”

The tears did not stop running down my face. I never wanted to hurt my Nickyroo or Alison. They both had been through enough already, especially Nick. I couldn't breathe because I was trying not to cry aloud. I had to hold my breath. It was almost as if my mother and I were the only ones here. No one seemed to hear her scolding me, not even the ever-watchful Geoffrey.

Mom wasn't loud or yelling, but she was piercing me with her words. She made my insides rattle. I felt my chest burning and my cramps tightening. My heart was cracking from the core. I was a huge mess.

If only I had been able to cut deeper, I thought to myself.

Lexus returned to the table with a big smile on her face. ”My parents say h.e.l.lo to both of you,” she said. ”They hope you feel better soon, Kristen. John says h.e.l.lo too.”

I looked up as soon as she said his name. The metal ball in my chest wanted to turn. I smacked myself on the chest, not thinking.

”Kristen,” my mother said. ”Don't hit yourself.”

I wiped my eyes. ”Sorry.”

Lexus sat down next to me and looked deep into my eyes. ”Have you been crying?” she asked me.

I looked at my mother, and she shook her head at me. I forced a smile to Lexus. ”I am just so happy to see you!” I told her. ”I got a little teary-eyed.”

”I'm so happy to see you,” she said as she wrapped her arms around me.

”Ouch.” My arm was between us. She squeezed me, and it hurt my wrist.

Lexus looked down. ”Oh, no, I am so sorry. Are you okay?” She looked at the bandages and touched them.

I s.n.a.t.c.hed my arms away and hid them in my lap. ”I'm fine. It's okay, Lexus.”

”Okay,” she said in her sincere voice. ”I have to go now. I told my mom that I would be back in thirty minutes. I will try to come visit you again next week. Get better soon, Kristen. See you later.”

She gave me one last hug and then she said goodbye to Mom. Geoffrey walked her out. When Lexus was gone, I couldn't look at Mom.

”Hopefully you will be out of here in no more than two weeks,” she said. ”Your boss knows that you are in the hospital. She called because you hadn't shown up for work. I told her that you are in the hospital, and she said that she hopes you get better. Thank goodness, you still have a job. I brought you some deodorant, some clothes, and,” she paused and reached into her purse and pulled out two small folded pieces of paper, ”Nicholas and Alison wrote you letters.”

She placed the two folded sheets of paper on the table, and I quickly grabbed them.

”I'll be back on Monday,” she told me. ”Do you need me to bring you anything else when I come?”

I shook my head, but then I thought about it. ”Will you bring me a blanket?” I made myself ask her.

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