Part 26 (1/2)

=A Lunatic's Advice to Money Lenders=

The following curious conversation actually occurred in a garden attached to a lunatic asylum, near Dumfries. The interlocutors were the keeper, a very respectable man, and one of the most manageable of his patients:

”Tak' it easy, tak' it easy, Jamie; ye're no working against time, man; and when you come near the border, be sure and keep your feet aff the flowers.”

”The flowers! hurt the bonnie sweet flowers!” said Jamie; ”Na, na, I'm no sae daft as that comes to, neither; I wad as soon chap off my ain fingers as crush ane o' them. There's the summer snaw-drap already keeking through its green sheath; as weel as daisies and primroses, an'

the thing they ca' rocket; although it would mak' but a puir cracker on the king's birthday--He! he! he! Ay, there's heartsease and rowantree, sprigs o' which I aye wear next my skin; the tane to fleg awa' the witches, an' the t.i.ther to keep my heart frae beating. An' there's the ginty wee flower that I gied a bit o' to Tibby Dalrymple, wha tint her wits for love, an' wha said sae muckle to me through the grating o' her cell, about the gude that the smell o' the flower wad do her, that I couldna find i' my heart to deny her, puir thing.”

”Very weel, Jamie,” replied the keeper, ”be a guid lad, an' continue to dress that little corner until I come back frae the sands.”

”Ou, ay!” rejoined Jamie, ”this is Wednesday, an' you'll be gaun down to meet wi' some o' your country friends. It's changed time wi' them, I jalous; whaur the public-house used to sell a gallon o' whiskey, they dinna sell a mutchkin noo, I hear; but that's naething, their customers will get sooner hame to their families; an' then they'll be fewer bane broken riding fule races. But tak' care o' yoursel', Mr. ----, tak' care that some o' them dinna come Yorks.h.i.+re ower you. They'll be inviting you in to tak' a dram, nae doubt, an' making a puir mouth about the badness o' times, trying to borrow a little siller frae you. But if I was you, I'll tell ye what I wad dae. I wad get twa purses made, and ca' ane o'

them '_Somebody_,' and the ither '_A' the World_'; an' next I wad pit a'

my siller in the first, and no' a bawbee in the second; and then, when any o' them spak' o' borrowing, I wad whup out the toom purse, and shaking't before the chiel's een, swear that I hadna a ha'penny in '_A'

the World_,' until I gat it frae '_Somebody_!'”

=Prophesying=

A country clergyman, who, on Sundays, is more indebted to his ma.n.u.script than to his memory, called unceremoniously at a cottage while its possessor, a pious paris.h.i.+oner, was engaged (a daily exercise) in perusing a paragraph of the writing of an inspired prophet. ”Weel, John,” familiarly inquired the clerical visitant, ”what's this you are about?” ”I am prophesying,” was the prompt reply. ”Prophesying!”

exclaimed the astonished divine; ”I doubt you are only reading a prophesy.” ”Weel,” argued the religious rustic, ”gif reading a preachin'

be preachin', is na reading a prophecy prophesying?”

=Definition of Metaphysics=

A Scotch blacksmith being asked the meaning of ”Metaphysics,” explained it as follows: ”When the party who listens dinna ken what the party who speaks means, and when the party who speaks dinna ken what he means himself--that is 'metaphysics.'”

=His Word and His Bond Equally Binding=

A crusty tenant of the late Laird D----, pressing him to complete some piece of work which had long stood over, the laird craved further delay, adding that he would give his word of honor--nay, his written bond, to have the thing done before a certain day.

”Your word!” exclaimed the tenant, ”it's weel kenn'd _that_ will do me little guid; and as for your writing, naebody can read it.”

=Bad Arithmeticians often Good Book-Keepers=

Sir Walter Scott, in lending a book one day to a friend, cautioned him to be punctual in returning it. ”This is really necessary,” said the poet in apology; ”for though many of my friends are bad _arithmeticians_, I observe almost all of them to be good _book-keepers_.”

=Curious Misunderstanding=

An itinerant vendor of wood in Aberdeen having been asked how his wife was, replied, ”O she's fine, I hae ta'en her to Banchory”; and on it being innocently remarked that the change of air would do her good, he looked up and with a half-smile said, ”Hoot, she's i' the kirkyard.”

=”Terms--'Cash Down'”=