Part 25 (1/2)
=Was He a Liberal or a Tory?=
A keen politician, in the City of Glasgow, heard one day of the death of a party opponent, who in a fit of a mental aberration, had shot himself.
”Ah,” said he, ”gane awa' that way by himsel', has he? I wish that he had ta'en twa or three days' shooting among his friends before he went!”
=Advice on Nursing=
A bachelor of seventy and upwards came one day to Bishop Alexander, of Dunkeld, and said he wished to marry a girl of the neighborhood whom he named. The bishop, a non-juring Scottish Episcopalian of the middle of last century, and himself an old bachelor, inquired into the motive of this strange proceeding, and soon drew from the old man the awkward apology, that he married to have a nurse. Too knowing to believe such a statement, the good bishop quietly replied, ”See, John, then, and make her ane.”
=A Critic on His Own Criticism=
Lord Eldon, so remarkable for his naf expression, being reminded, of a criticism which he had formerly made upon a picture which he himself had forgotten, inquired, ”Did I say that?” ”Yes.” ”Then if I said that,”
quoth the self-satisfied wit, ”it was _deevilish gude_.”
=Holding A Candle to the Sun=
A wet and witty barrister, one Sat.u.r.day encountered an equally Baccha.n.a.lian senatorial friend, in the course of a walk to Leith.
Remembering that he had a good joint of mutton roasting for dinner, he invited his friend to accompany him home; and they accordingly dined together, _secundum morem solitum_. After dinner was over, wine and cards commenced; and, as they were each fond of both, neither thought of reminding the other of the advance of time, till the church bell next day disturbed them in their darkened room about a quarter before eleven o'clock. The judge then rising to depart, Mr. ---- walked behind him to the outer door, with a candle in each hand, by way of showing him out.
”Tak' care, my lord, tak' care,” cried the kind host most anxiously, holding the candles out of the door into the sunny street, along which the people were pouring churchwards; ”Tak' care; there's twa steps.”
=A False Deal=
A gentleman was one night engaged with a judge in a tremendous drinking bout which lasted all night, and till within a single hour of the time when the court was to open next morning. The two cronies had little more than time to wash themselves in their respective houses when they had to meet again, in their professional capacities of judge and pleader, in the Parliament House. Mr. Clerk (afterwards Lord Eldon), it appears, had, in the hurry of his toilet, thrust the pack of cards he had been using over night into the pocket of his gown; and thus as he was going to open up the pleading, in pulling out his handkerchief, he also pulled out fifty-two witnesses of his last night's debauch, which fell scattered within the bar. ”Mr. Clerk,” said his judicial a.s.sociate in guilt, with the utmost coolness, ”before ye begin, I think ye had better take up your hand.”
=A Scotch Matrimonial Jubilee=
Two fishwives in London were talking about the Queen's jubilee. ”Eh, wumman,” said one to the other, ”can ye tell me what a jubilee is, for I hear a' the folks spakin' aboot it?”
”Ou, ay,” replied the other, ”I can tell ye that. Ye see when a man and a wumman has been marrit for five-and-twenty years, that's a silver waddin; and when they've been marrit for fifty years, that's a gouden waddin; but when the man's deed, that's a jubilee!”
=A Drunkard's Thoughts=
An inebriate, some time back, got into a tramcar in Glasgow, and became very troublesome to the other pa.s.sengers; so much so that it was proposed to eject him. A genial and right reverend doctor, who was also a pa.s.senger took him in hand, however, and soothed him into good behavior for the rest of the journey. Before leaving, the man shook hands warmly with the doctor, after scowling at the other occupants of the car, and said: ”Good-day, my freen', I see ye ken what it is to be foo'.”
=A Lofty ”Style”=
The late Mr. Andrew Balfour, one of the judges in the Commissary Court of Edinburgh, used to talk in a very pompous and inflated style of language. Having made an appointment with the late Honorable Henry Erskine, on some particular business, and failing to attend, he apologized for it, by telling the learned barrister that his brother, the Laird of Balbirnie, in pa.s.sing from one of his enclosures to another, had fallen down from the stile and sprained his ankle. This trifling accident he related in language highly pedantic and bombastical. The witty advocate, with his usual vivacity, replied, ”It was very fortunate for your brother, Andrew, that it was not from _your_ style he fell, or he had broken his neck, instead of spraining his ankle!”
During the time the above-named gentleman presided in court, his sister, Miss Balfour, happened to be examined as a witness in a cause then before the court. Andrew began in his pompous way, by asking, ”Woman, what is thy name? what is thy age? and where is thy usual place of residence?” To which interrogatories Miss Balfour only replied, by staring him broad in the face, when the questions were again repeated, with all the grimace and pedantry he was master of, which the lady, observing, said, ”Dear me, Andrew, do ye no ken yer ain sister?” To which the judge answered, ”Woman, when I sit in court I administer justice; I know no one, neither father or mother, sister or brother!”
=Depression--Delight--Despair=