Part 25 (2/2)

Three boys at school, learning their catechism, the one asked the other how far he had got. To this he answered, ”I'm at 'A State o' Sin and Misery.'” He then asked another what length he was, to which he replied, ”I'm just at 'Effectual Calling.'” They were both anxious, of course, to learn how far he was himself, and having asked him, he answered, ”Past Redemption.”

=An Earl's Pride and Parsimony=

A late n.o.bleman, in whose character vanity and parsimony were the most remarkable features, was, for a long time before he died, in the habit of retailing the produce of his dairy and his orchard to the children and poor people of the neighborhood. It is told, that one day observing a pretty little girl tripping through his grounds with a milk pipkin, he stooped to kiss her; after which he said, in a pompous tone, ”Now, my dear, you may tell your grandchildren, and tell them in their turn to tell their grandchildren, that you had once the honor of receiving a kiss from the Right Hon--the Earl of ----.” The girl looked up in his face, and, with a strange mixture of simplicity and archness, remarked, ”But ye took the penny for the milk, though!”

=Question and Answer=

At a church in Scotland, where there was a popular call, two candidates offered to preach of the names of Adam and Low. The last preached in the morning, and took for his text, ”Adam, where art thou?” He made a most excellent discourse, and the congregation were much edified. In the evening Mr. Adam preached, and took for his text, ”Lo, here am I!” The _impromptu_ and his sermon gained him the church.

=Robbing ”On Credit”=

Soon after the battle of Preston, two Highlanders, in roaming through the south of Mid-Lothian, entered the farm-house of Swanston, near the Pentland Hills, where they found no one at home but an old woman. They immediately proceeded to search the house, and soon, finding a web of coa.r.s.e home-spun cloth, made no scruple to unroll and cut off as much as they thought would make a coat for each. The woman was exceedingly incensed at their rapacity, and even had the hardihood to invoke divine vengeance upon their heads. ”Ye villains!” she cried, ”ye'll ha'e to account for this yet!”

”And when will we pe account for't?”

”At the last day, ye blackguards!” exclaimed the woman.

”Ta last tay!” replied the Highlander; ”tat pe cood long credit--we'll e'en pe tak' a waistcoat, too!” at the same time cutting off a few additional yards of the cloth.

=Taking a Light Supper=

A poet being at supper where the fare was very scanty, and not of first-rate quality, said the following grace:

”O Thou, who blessed the loaves and fishes, Look down upon these two poor dishes; And though the 'taties be but sma', Lord, make them large enough for a'; For if they do our bellies fill, 'Twill be a wondrous miracle!”

=Rustic Notion of the Resurrection=

It is the custom in Scotland for the elders to a.s.sist the minister in visiting the sick; and on such occasions they give the patient and the surrounding gossips the benefit of prayers. Being generally well acquainted in the different families, they often sit an hour or two after the sacred rites, to chat with those who are in health, and to receive the benefit of a dram. On one of these occasions in the house of Donald M'Intyre, whose wife had been confined to her fireside and armchair for many years, the elder and Donald grew _unco' gracious_.

Gla.s.s after gla.s.s was filled from the bottle, and the elder entered into a number of metaphysical discussions, which he had heard from the minister. Among other topics was the resurrection. The elder was strenuous in support of the rising of the same body; but Donald could not comprehend how a body once dissolved in the dust could be reanimated. At last, catching what he thought a glimpse of the subject, he exclaimed, ”Weel, weel, Sandy, ye're richt sae far; you and me, that are strong, healthy folk, _may_ rise again; but that _puir_ thing there, _far_ she sits” (that poor thing, where she sits) ”she'll ne'er rise again.”

=A Definition of Baptism=

A Scotch clergyman, one day catechising his flock in the church, the beadle, or church officer, being somewhat ill-read in the catechism, thought it best to keep a modest place near the door, in the hope of escaping the inquisition. But the clergyman observed and called him forward. ”John,” said he, ”what is baptism?” ”Ou, sir,” answered John, scratching his head, ”ye ken, it's just saxpence to me, and fifteenpence to the precentor.”

=No End to His Wit=

A gentleman in the west of Scotland, celebrated for his wit, was conversing with a lady, who, at last, overpowered by the brilliance and frequency of his _bon mots_, exclaimed, ”Stop, sir; there is really no end to your wit.” ”G.o.d forbid, madam,” replied the humorist, ”that I should ever be at my wit's end.”

=Leaving the Lawyers a Margin=

A man from the country applied lately to a respectable solicitor in this town for legal advice. After detailing the circ.u.mstances of the case, he was asked if he had stated the facts exactly as they occurred. ”Ou, ay, sir,” rejoined the applicant, ”I thought it best to tell you the plain truth; ye can put the _lees_ till't yoursel'.”

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