Part 24 (1/2)

”Ay,” said the rustic, ”there was another auld storey, but it fell down lang since.”

=A Satisfactory Explanation=

A trial took place before a bailie, who excelled more as a citizen than as a scholar. A witness had occasion to refer to the testimony of a man who had died recently, and he spoke of him frequently as the defunct.

Amazed at the constant repet.i.tion of a word he did not understand, the bailie petulantly said: ”What's the use o' yer talkin' sae muckle aboot the man Defunct? Canna ye bring him here and let him speak for himsel'?”

”The defunct's dead, my lord,” replied the witness.

”Oh, puir man, that alters the case,” said the sapient administrator of the law.

=Sandy's Reply to the Sheriff=

Sandy Gibb, master-blacksmith in a certain town in Scotland, was summoned as a witness to the Sheriff-Court in a case of two of his workmen. The sheriff, after hearing the testimony, asked Sandy why he did not advise them to settle, seeing the costs had already amounted to three times the disputed claim. Sandy's reply was, ”I advised the fules to settle, for I saw that the s.h.i.+rra-officer wad tak' their coates, the lawwers their sarks, an' gif they got to your lords.h.i.+p's haunds ye'd tear the skin aff them.” Sandy was ordered to stand down.

=A Grammatical Beggar=

A beggar some time ago applied for alms at the door of a partisan of the Anti-begging Society. After in vain detailing his manifold sorrows, the inexorable gentleman peremptorily dismissed him: ”Go away,” said he, ”go, we canna gie ye naething.”

”You might at least,” replied the mendicant, with an air of arch dignity, ”have refused me grammatically.”

=Good Enough to Give Away=

A woman entered a provision shop and asked for a pound of b.u.t.ter, ”an'

look ye here, guidman,” she exclaimed, ”see an' gie me it guid, for the last pound was that bad I had to gie't awa' to the wifie next door.”

=A Dry Preacher=

On one occasion when coming to church, Dr. Macknight, who was a much better commentator than preacher, having been caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry, soaked through. Every means were used to relieve him from his discomfort; but as the time drew on for divine service, he became very querulous, and e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed over and over again: ”Oh! I wish that I was dry! Do you think that I am dry? Do you think that I am dry eneuch noo?” Tired by these endless complaints, his jocose colleague, Dr. Henry, the historian, at last replied: ”Bide a wee, doctor, and ye'se be dry eneuch, gin ye once get into the pu'pit.” [9]

=A Poetical Question and Answer=

Mr. Dewar, a shop-keeper at Edinburgh, being in want of silver for a bank note, went into the shop of a neighbor of the name of Scott, whom he thus addressed:

”Master Scott, Can you change me a note?”

Mr. Scott's reply was:

”I'm not very sure, but I'll see.”

Then going into his back room he immediately returned and added:

”Indeed, Mr. Dewar, It's out of my power, For my wife's away with the key.”