Part 22 (2/2)

=Speaking Figuratively=

A preacher of the name of Ker, on being inducted into a church in Teviotdale, told the people the relation there was to be between him and them in the following words: ”Sirs, I am come to be your shepherd, and you must be my sheep, and the Bible will be my tar bottle, for I will mark you with it”; and laying his hand on the clerk or precentor's head, he said: ”Andrew, you shall be my dog.” ”The sorra bit of your dog will I be,” said Andrew. ”O, Andrew, you don't understand me; I speak mystically,” said the preacher. ”Yes, but you speak mischievously,” said Andrew. [9]

=A Canny Witness=

During a trial in Scotland, a barrister was examining an old woman, and trying to persuade her to his view by some ”leading questions.” After several attempts to induce her memory to recur to a particular circ.u.mstance, the barrister angrily observed, ”Surely you must remember this fact--surely you can call to mind such and such a circ.u.mstance.”

The witness answered, ”I ha' tauld ye I can't tell; but if ye know so much mair about it than I do (pointing to the judge), do'e tell maister yerself.”

=A Mother's Confidence in Her Son=

Mrs. Baird received the news from India of the gallant but unfortunate action of '84 against Hyder Ali, in which her son (then Captain Baird, afterwards Sir David Baird) was engaged; it was stated that he and other officers had been taken prisoners and chained together two and two. The friends were careful in breaking such sad intelligence to the mother of Captain Baird. When, however, she was made fully to understand the position of her son and his gallant companions, disdaining all weak and useless expressions of her own grief, and knowing well the restless and athletic habits of her son, all she said was, ”Lord, pity the chiel that's chained to our Davy!” [7]

=Lord Clancarty and the Roman Catholic Chaplain=

When Lord Clancarty was captain of a man-of-war in 1724, and was cruising off the coast of Guinea, his lieutenant, a Scotch Presbyterian, came hastily into the cabin, and told his lords.h.i.+p that the chaplain was dead, and what was worse, he died a Roman Catholic. Lord Clancarty replied that he was very glad of it. ”Hoot fie, my lord,” said the officer, ”what, are ye glad that yer chaplain died a pawpish?” ”Yes,”

answered his lords.h.i.+p, ”for he is the first sea-parson I ever knew that had any religion at all.” [9]

=An Idiot's Views of Insanity=

A clergyman in the north of Scotland, on coming into church one Sunday morning, found the pulpit occupied by the parish idiot (a thing which often happens in some English parishes--with this difference, that instead of the minister finding the idiot in the pulpit, it is the _people_ who find him). The authorities had been unable to remove him without more violence than was seemly, and therefore waited for the minister to dispossess Sam of the place he had, a.s.sumed. ”Come down, sir, immediately,” was the peremptory and indignant call; and on Sam remaining unmoved, it was repeated with still greater energy. Sam, however, very confidentially replied, looking down from his elevation, ”Na, na, meenister, just ye come up wi' me. This is a perverse generation, and faith, they need us baith.” [7]

=Lord Mansfield and a Scotch Barrister on p.r.o.nunciation=

A man who knows the world, will not only make the most of everything he does know, but of many things he does not know, and will gain more credit by his adroit mode of hiding his ignorance, than the pedant by his awkward attempt to exhibit his erudition. In Scotland, the ”_jus et norma loquendi_” has made it the fas.h.i.+on to p.r.o.nounce the law term curator curator. Lord Mansfield gravely corrected a certain Scotch barrister when in court, reprehending what appeared to English usage a false quant.i.ty, by repeating--”Curator, sir, if you please.” The barrister immediately replied, ”I am happy to be corrected by so great an orator as your lords.h.i.+p.”

=Satisfactory Security=

Patrick Forbes, Bishop of Aberdeen, had lent an unlucky brother money, until he was tired out, but the borrower renewed his application, and promised security. The bishop on that condition consented to the loan: ”But where is your security?” said he, when the poor fellow replied: ”G.o.d Almighty is my bondsman in providence; he is the only security I have to offer.” So singular a reply of a despairing man smote the feelings of the bishop, and he thus replied: ”It is the first time certainly that such a security was ever offered to me; and since it is so, take the money, and may Almighty G.o.d, your bondsman, see that it does you good.” [9]

=Better than a Countess=

Mrs. Coutts, wife of the eminent banker, and previously Miss Mellon, the celebrated actress, made her appearance one day at one of the princ.i.p.al promenades in Edinburgh, dressed in a most magnificent style, so as to quite overawe our northern neighbors. ”Hoot, mon,” said a gentleman standing by, who did not know who she was, ”yon's a braw lady; she'll be a countess, I'm thinking.” ”No,” replied an eminent banker, ”not just a _countess_, but what's better, a _dis-countess_.”

=Remembering Each Other=

Mr. Miller, of Ballumbie, had occasion to find fault with one of his laborers, who had been improvident, and known better days. He was digging a drain, and he told him if he did not make better work he should turn him off. The man was very angry, and throwing down his spade, called out in a tone of resentment, ”Ye are ower pridefeu', Davie Miller. I mind ye i' the warld when ye had neither cow nor ewe.” ”Very well,” replied Mr. Miller, mildly, ”I remember you when you had both.”

=Marriages Which are Made in Heaven--How Revealed=

<script>