Part 22 (1/2)

=Praying for Wind=

Dean Ramsay relates this incident: In one of our northern counties, a rural district had its harvest operations seriously affected by continuous rains. The crops being much laid, wind was desired in order to restore them to a condition fit for the sickle. A minister in his Sabbath services, expressed their wants in prayer as follows: ”O Lord, we pray thee to send us wind, no' a rantin' tantin' wind; but a noohin'

(noughin?) soughin', winnin' wind.”

=Disturbed Devotions=

The Rev. Dr. Alexander relates that there lived in Peebles.h.i.+re a half-witted man, who was in the habit of saying his prayers in a field behind a turf-d.y.k.e. One day he was followed to this spot by some wags, who secreted themselves on the opposite side listening to the man, who expressed his conviction that he was a very great sinner, and that even were the turf-d.y.k.e at that moment to fall upon him it would be no more than he deserved. No sooner had he said this, than the persons on the opposite side pushed the d.y.k.e over him, when, scrambling out, he was heard to say: ”Hech, sirs, it's an awfu' world this; a body canna say a thing in a joke, but it's ta'en in earnest.” [9]

=The ”Tables” of ”The Law”=

When catechizing by the Scottish clergy was customary, the minister of Coldingham, in Berwicks.h.i.+re, asked a simple country wife, who resided at the farm of Coldingham Law, which was always styled ”The Law” for brevity's sake: ”How many tables, Janet, are there in the law?”

”Indeed, sir, I canna just be certain,” was the simple reply; ”but I think there's ane in the fore room, ane in the back room, an' anither upstairs.”

=”Eating Among the Brutes”=

The Rev. Dr. M'C----, minister of Douglas, in Clydesdale, was one day dining with a large party where the Hon. Henry Erskine and some lawyers were present. A great dish of water-cresses being, according to the fas.h.i.+on of the period, handed round after dinner, Dr. M'C----, who was extravagantly fond of vegetables, helped himself much more largely than any other person, and, as he ate with his fingers with a peculiar voracity of manner, Mr. Erskine was struck with the idea that he resembled Nebuchadnezzar in his state of condemnation. Resolved to give the minister a hit for the grossness of his taste and manner of eating, the wit addressed him with: ”Dr. M'C----, ye bring me in mind of the great king Nebuchadnezzar”; and the company were beginning to t.i.tter at the ludicrous allusion, when the reverend devourer of cresses replied: ”Ay, do I mind ye o' Nebuchadnezzar? That'll be because I'm eating among the brutes, then.”

=An Angry Preacher=

”I know what sort o' heaven you'd pe wanting,” shouted an earnest and excited Highland minister in the ears of an apathetic congregation, to whom he had delivered, without any apparent effect, a vivid and impressive address on the glory of heaven; ”I know what sort o' heaven you'd pe wantin'. You'd pe wantin' that all the seas would pe hot water, that all the rivers would pe rivers of whiskey, and that all the hills and mountains would be loaves o' sugar. That's the sort o' heaven you'd pe wantin'; moreover,” he added, warming to his work, ”you'd pe wantin'

that all the corn-stooks would pe pipe staples and tobaccos, and swees.h.i.+n'--that's the sort o' heaven you'd pe wantin'.”

=A Comfortable Preacher=

One Sunday, as a certain Scottish minister was returning homewards, he was accosted by an old woman who said: ”Oh, sir, well do I like the day when you preach!”

The minister was aware that he was not very popular, and he answered: ”My good woman, I am glad to hear it! There are too few like you. And why do you like when I preach?”

”Oh, sir,” she replied, ”when you preach I always get a good seat!”

=”Haste” and ”Leisure”=

A clergyman in the north of Scotland, very homely in his address, chose for his text a pa.s.sage in the Psalms, ”I said in my haste all men are liars.” ”Ay,” premised the minister by way of introduction, ”ye said in your haste, David, did ye?--gin ye had been here, ye micht hae said it at your leisure, my man.”

=”Making Hay While the Sun s.h.i.+nes”=

An anecdote is told of a certain Highland hotel-keeper, who was one day bickering with an Englishman in the lobby of the inn regarding the bill.

The stranger said it was a gross imposition, and that he could live cheaper in the best hotel in London; to which the landlord with nonchalance replied, ”Oh, nae doot, sir, nae doot; but do ye no' ken the reason?” ”No, not a bit of it,” said the stranger hastily. ”Weel, then,”

replied the host, ”as ye seem to be a sensible callant, I'll tell ye; there's 365 days in the Lonnun hotel-keeper's calendar, but we have only three months in ours! Do ye understand me noo, frien'? We maun mak' hay in the Hielans when the sun s.h.i.+nes, for it's unco seldom he dis't!”