Part 21 (1/2)
”I don't know,” answered the divine drily, ”whether they are black or white sheep, but I know if they are here long they are pretty sure to be well fleeced.”
=”Knowledge--It Shall Vanish Away”=
A gentleman was once riding in Scotland by a bleaching ground, where a woman was at work watering her webs of linen-cloth. He asked her where she went to church, what she heard, and how much she remembered of the preceding day's sermon. She could not even remember the text.
”And what good can the preaching do you,” said he, ”if you forget it all?”
”Ah, sir,” replied the woman, ”if you look at this web on the gra.s.s, you will see that as fast as ever I put the water on it the sun dries it all up; and yet, see, it grows whiter and whiter.”
=A Harmless Joke=
Sandy Merton was a half-witted fellow who lived in a small town in the west of Scotland. One day Sandy entered the doctor's shop, carrying under his arm a rusty gun.
”Well, Alexander,” said the doctor, ”who gave you the gun?”
”Maister Tamson, the publican, gied me it, an' he said the only kind o'
poother it wud shoot wi' was Seidlitz poother; sae gie I tuppence worth.”
=Looking before Leaping=
A bluff, consequential gentleman from the South, with more beef on his bones than brains in his head, riding along the Hamilton road, near to Blantyre, asked a herdboy on the roadside, in a tone and manner evidently meant to quiz, if he were ”half way to Hamilton?” ”Man,”
replied the boy, ”I wad need to ken where ye hae come frae afore I could answer that question.”
=”Lichts Oot!”=
An old Highland sergeant in one of the Scottish regiments, was going his round one night to see that all the lights were out in the barrack rooms. Coming to a room where he thought he saw a light s.h.i.+ning, he roared out: ”Put oot that licht there!”
One of the men shouted back: ”Man, it's the mune, sergeant.”
Not hearing very well, the sergeant cried in return: ”I dinna care a tacket what it is--pit it oot!”
=A Teetotal Preacher Asks for ”a Gla.s.s”--and Gets it=
A teetotal minister, who was very particular about his toilet, went to preach one Sunday for a brother minister in a parish in Kinross-s.h.i.+re.
On entering the vestry he looked around in search of a mirror, to see that his appearance was all right before entering the pulpit, but, failing to find one, he said to the beadle: ”John, can I have a gla.s.s before entering the pulpit?”
”Certainly, sir!” replied John. ”Just bide a wee, and I'll get ane for ye immediately”; and he left the vestry at once.
On his return the minister said: ”Well, John, have you succeeded?”
”Yes, sir,” replied John; ”I've brocht a gill. That'll be a gla.s.s for the forenoon, and anither for the afternoon.”
=”Old Bags”=