Part 20 (2/2)

The professor was once taking a solitary walk on the banks of the ca.n.a.l, into which in his abstraction, he walked. When within a yard of the centre, an honest woman was.h.i.+ng clothes behind him, bawled out, ”Come oot, come oot, fule body, or ye'll be droon't.”

These warning sounds invading the tympanum of the professorial ear, had the effect of making him turn right about and forthwith recover the dry ground. The good woman, concluding him to be an idiot, sympathetically exclaimed, ”Puir body! a weel, they hae muckle to answer for that lets ye gang yer lane!”

=Salmon or Sermon=

A clergyman in Perths.h.i.+re, who was more skilful as an angler than popular as a preacher, having fallen into conversation with some of his paris.h.i.+oners on the benefits of early rising, mentioned as an instance, that he had that very morning, before breakfast, composed a sermon, and killed a salmon--an achievement on which he plumed himself greatly.

”Aweel, sir,” observed one of the company, ”I would rather have your salmon than your sermon.”

=”Bock Again!”--A Prompt Answer=

A countryman in Scotland, who was very fond of apples, especially if they came cheap, was one day getting over the hedge into his neighbor's orchard, who, happening to be walking towards the spot at the time, cried out, ”Hoot, hoot, Sandy, where are thee ganging?”

”Bock again, now you are there,” replied the thief, with the utmost _sang froid_.

=A ”Kippered” Divine=

It is said that Dr. Chalmers once entertained a distinguished guest from Switzerland, whom he asked if he would be helped to kippered salmon. The foreign divine asked the meaning of the uncouth word ”kippered,” and was told that it meant ”preserved.” The poor man, in public prayer, soon after, offered a pet.i.tion that the distinguished divine might long be ”kippered to the Free Church of Scotland.”

=Scotch Caution versus Suretis.h.i.+p=

The old Jews and the old Scotch Highlanders had one feeling in common--a dread of suretis.h.i.+p. The Book of Proverbs contains several warnings of the danger that lurks in a surety bond, but none are more admonis.h.i.+ng than one uttered by an Highlander. Donald had been tried for his life, and narrowly escaped conviction. In discharging him the judge thought it proper to say: ”Prisoner, before you leave the bar, I'll give you a piece of advice. You have got off this time, but if you ever come before me, again, I'll be caution (surety) you'll be hanged.”

”Thank you, my lord,” said Donald, ”for your good advice, and as I'm no'

ungratefu', I beg to gie your lords.h.i.+p a piece of advice in turn. Never be 'caution' for anybody, for the cautioner has often to pay the penalty.”

=A Descendant of the Stuarts=

A gentleman from the north, being of a genealogical turn of mind, believed that he had discovered in his pedigree some remote connection with the royal Stuart blood. Going south, he made much of his presumed relations.h.i.+p, until he was generally spoken of in bated breath by his innocent English friends, ”as a descendant of the Stuarts.” At a public gathering he was thus mentioned, and the description instantly engaged the rapt attention of a new arrival from Caledonia.

”A descendant o' the Stuarts!” he cried; ”eh, sirs, I'd like feine to see ane o' the royal race.”

”Then there he is,” answered the interlocutor, pointing him out--”there--the gentleman standing in front of the fireplace.”

”Gude sakes!” said the astonished Scot; ”that's just my ain brither Jack.”

=”Law” Set Aside by ”Gospel”=

It is related that a Scotch minister chanced to meet two of his paris.h.i.+oners in the office of a lawyer, whom he regarded as being too sharp.

The lawyer jocularly and not very graciously put the question: ”Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon them as black or white sheep?”

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