Part 14 (1/2)

A Scotch parson said recently, somewhat sarcastically, of a toper, that he put an enemy into his mouth to steal away his brains, but that the enemy, after a thorough search, returned without anything.

=Going to the Doctor's and ”Taking” Something=

A Scotch lad was on one occasion accused of stealing some articles from a doctor's shop. The judge was much struck with his respectable appearance, and asked him why he was guilty of such a contemptible act.

”Weel, ye see,” replied the prisoner, ”I had a bit of pain in my side, and my mither tauld me tae gang tae the doctor's and tak' something.”

”Oh, yes,” said the judge, ”but surely she didn't tell you to go and take an eight-day clock!”

The prisoner was evidently nonplused, but it was only for a moment.

Turning to the judge, a bright smile of humor stealing over his countenance, he replied quietly:

”There's an auld proverb that says, 'Time an' the doctur cure a'

diseases,' an' sae I thocht”--but the remainder was lost in the laughter of the court.

=A Case in Which Comparisons Were Odious=

The late Rev. Dr. John Hunter, the much-loved minister of the Tron Parish, Edinburgh, had a call one morning from one of his many poor paris.h.i.+oners, who said he had come to ask a favor. On the worthy minister's requesting him to specify its nature, he replied, ”Weel, sir, it's to marry me.”

”Very good, John,” the minister said; ”let me know the place, day and hour, and I shall be at your service.”

”But, sir,” the bridegroom answered, ”it's the noo!” (The bride was waiting outside.)

”Filthy and untidy as you are! No, no; go home and wash, and dress yourself, and then I shall be prepared to perform the ceremony.”

”Bless ye, sir, ye should see _her_!” was the response of the applicant.

=Pulpit Aids=

_Young Minister_: ”I don't think I need put on the gown, John; it's only an enc.u.mbrance.”

_Beadle_: ”Ay, sir; it makes ye mair impressive--an' ye need it a', sir, ye need it a'.”

=Choosing a Minister=

The parish kirk of Driechtor had been rather unfortunate in its ministers, two of them having gone off in a decline within a twelvemonth of their appointment, and now, after hearing a number of candidates for the vacancy, the members were looking forward with keen interest to the meeting at which the election takes place.

”Weel, Marget,” asked one female paris.h.i.+oner of another, as they foregathered on the road one day, ”wha are you gaun to vote for?”

”I'm just thinkin' I'll vote for nane o' them. I'm no muckle o' a judge, an' it'll be the safest plan,” was Marget's sagacious reply.

”Toots, woman, if that's the way o't, vote wi' me.”

”An' hoo are you gaun to vote?”

”I'm gaun to vote for the soundest lungs, an'll no bother us deein'