Part 21 (2/2)

”So what's the deal?” she asked, turning to me, her arms crossed over her chest, her stance very imposing.

”With what?” I asked, crossing my own arms.

”Why did you leave the party?”

”I had to get home.” I answered simply.

”Yeah, that's what Laney said. But I want to hear it form you. Why did you leave.” She took a step toward me. I held my ground.

”Like I said, I had to get home.” I said again, though my voice a bit less believable. Even to my own ears. I sounded weak. She took another step.

”I don't believe you, Em.” Beth said, her voice low, deep, almost menacing. I raised my chin in challenge.

”I don't care what you do or do not believe, Beth. You knew I had things to do. I needed to get home. I was tired. I went to find you, but-” I cut myself off, my eyes s.n.a.t.c.hed away from hers. I did not want her to know that I saw her with that girl for some reason.

”But?”

”But I couldn't find you.” I lied, my voice quiet, belying everything I had just said.

”You saw me, didn't you?”

”Beth, please just go. I need some sleep. I don't have cla.s.s for another three hours,”

”Don't lie to me, Em.” Beth grabbed her jacket off of Candice's bed, and headed toward the door. I stared at the ground when I saw her stop in front of me. I could feel her breath against my bangs, tickling my forehead. Somehow I garnered the courage to look up at her. She stood not half a foot away, staring into my eyes, looking at my face, down to my mouth, then back up to my eyes. She was guarding her expression, and I could not read her at all. I hated when she did that. I looked deep into those baby blues, trying to see past the wall she had put up, trying to read what she was thinking. Was she angry with me? I didn't think so. There was another emotion that fell from her in waves, but I didn't dare give voice to what I thought it was, because I felt it, too. ”Get some sleep.” She finally said, her voice low and husky, then turned away, and stepped out into the hall, closing the door softly behind her. I stared at the door, trying to figure out what had just happened. She had come to get answers from me, but instead left so many of her own questions. I covered my face with my hands, and leaned back against the wall behind me, sliding down until I sat upon the carpet. Oh, Beth.

I tried to concentrate on school, as the holidays were quickly approaching, which meant finals soon. Thanksgiving was behind us, and now it was a race to make it through the end of the semester, and get to Christmas. I had stayed clear of many of my friends, as was my custom around that time of year. They all knew me well enough to know to leave me well enough alone. But there was really one person in particular that I was trying to stay away from. I did not want to get myself feeling things that I should not be feeling. Again. I had a nasty suspicion that it was too late, but if the old adage: out of sight, out of mind, ever worked, I wanted to find out. It didn't. My mind strayed to Beth constantly, and I really didn't know what to do about it. She had called my dorm a few times, and Laney had told me that she constantly asked for and about me. I could not do it. I only had a year and a half of school to go before going on to law school. I needed no interruptions.

I did, however, hear that Beth had turned into quite the heartbreaker. She dated this one, and that one, then not a week or two later, was on to the next. Why? Just what exactly was she trying to prove? To whom? I just reasoned it was not my problem to worry about anymore. Not that it had ever been.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I first saw the face, then heard the voice of Laney as I removed the book from the shelf in the library. She stood on the other side of the stack, and grinned at me in the gap between books. I glared at her.

”That was hardly funny, Laney.”

”I thought it was.” She chuckled, then disappeared, only to stroll around to my isle. ”Okay, woman. Here's the deal. Richard is having a small, intimate get together at his place for Christmas. I figure we can all exchange gifts, that sort of thing.” I just stared at her, already not interested. I began to shake my head when she held up a hand. ”Ah. Wait, before you say no. It's on Friday, the week before finals start, so don't even try that one.” I rolled my eyes, not wanting to get boxed into anything. I just wanted to study in relative peace.

”Laney, I have to study..” I whined.

”So study Sat.u.r.day.” I sighed. I knew I should go. I hadn't spent any time with the gang in over a month. Finally with a resigned nod, I agreed. Laney smiled with glee, and clapped her hands together. ”Yay!”

I threw on my coat, and grabbed my keys, ready to go to Richard's. I did not want go, but had promised. The week before we had all drawn names for who we were supposed to buy for. I had drawn our Richard's girlfriend, Ann. I knew she was into Def Leppard, so got her the newest ca.s.sette they had released. Keys, and package in hands, I walked out to my Jeep. The weather was cold, December well in hand, and a bad storm the previous weekend. The holiday spirit was everywhere, decorations all over campus and the town. I had to smile as I saw a Santa Clause talking to a little girl on the street corner, his big bulk having to kneel down to be at her eye level. She grinned up at the big, jolly one. An old holiday tune sung by Elvis blared out of my speakers, and I could not help but sing along, beating my palm against the cold steering wheel. I truly loved the holiday season, and could not wait to get home, and my mom and I could do our annual Christmas shopping in Denver. I just wanted the semester to be over with.

I pulled up to Richard's apartment building, and locked the Jeep up, jogged up the two flights of stairs. I knocked on the door once, when it was thrown open and I stared up at Richard. He grinned.

”Merry Christmas.” He said, pulling me in, hugging me.

”Um, Merry Christmas to you, too.” I said, surprised by his near giddiness. I walked over to the four foot tree that stood upon a table in the corner of the room, and placed my gift under it with the others.

”Give me your coat, Emily.” I turned to see Ann standing behind me with anther coat tossed over her arm. I struggled out of mine, and handed it to her. She disappeared down the hall. I turned to see who all was there. Richard, of course, Laney and her boyfriend, our friends Tanya and Lauren. Sitting in the recliner by the window was Beth. I just stared, not expecting to see her. Laney had not mentioned her, though why would she?

A light drizzling snow was beginning to fall. The type where you could look up, stick your tongue out, and catch tiny flakes of watery snow. I walked around the graves, trying to not step on them. That had been something Beth had gotten on my case for once.

”You can't step on 'em, Em! That's just rude.”

Just up ahead I could see the green tarp covering that had been set up over the graveside. A few chairs had been set up for the immediate family, which was not much. Rebecca walked next to me, but said nothing, nor did she try and touch me. I knew I had some apologizing and explaining to do, but later. Not now. My parents and Billy brought up the tail end of our little parade.

We stood under the tarp, but did not sit. Nora Sayers sat front and center, flanked by Jim and his wife to her left, and a blonde woman I didn't know on her right. Monica and Connie walked up next to me, Monica squeezing my fingers. With a deep sigh, I looked to the center of attention. The casket was beautiful; white with silver handles and decoration. Flowers of different colors and types were placed atop it. I wondered where they had found such beautiful flowers this time of year. Must have cost a lot. The minister walked up to the other side of the casket, facing us, and opened his large book. He reached up, straightened his gla.s.ses, then began to speak.

It never ceased to amaze me how Beth could just pop in and out of my life at the strangest, and most inopportune times. She looked up from her chair, and smiled at me.

”Merry Christmas, Em.” She said. I nodded.

”Merry Christmas.” I walked over to the kitchen where Richard and Ann were piling snacks on trays: crackers with cheese logs, cookies with brightly colored icing making silly Santa faces or snowmen. ”Can I help?” I asked, leaning against the breakfast bar. Richard looked over his shoulder at me.

”Yeah. Get drinks ready.” He said, nodding toward the fridge with his head. I walked over to it, taking out cans of different kinds of canned soda, grabbing as many as I could with my hands and arms, holding them all against my chest, and setting them on the counter.

”Want some help?” I looked up to see Beth standing next to me, her hand on her hip. I took in her festive sweater and black cords. She wore a Broncos baseball cap. I chuckled.

”Do you have any idea how much you clash?” I grinned, taking in the red and green sweater, then the blue and orange of the hat. She looked down at herself, and smiled.

”Hey, a true die-hard fan does not care. They're in the play-offs. Got to support my boys. Elway's first Suprebowl, you know.”

”They're not there, yet, Beth.” I pointed out, handing her a stack of cups to fill with ice.

”They will be. Mark my words.”

”Uh huh.” I said, purposefully trying to tick her off with my lack of interest. A point of contention between us for years.

Many Christmas cookies, and spiked egg nogs later, we all sat on the floor in the living room, ready to play a game of Conscience.

”Okay. The way the game is played is this,” explained Richard, holding up an empty tequila bottle. ”Couple spin the bottle with truth or dare. You spin the bottle, making you the conscience of the person who it points to. You ask them any question you want. They have a choice of either answering it, honestly,” he looked around the circle, eyeing us all with that word, ”or taking a drink.”

I heard nothing the minister said as I stared at the stone near the casket: Elizabeth Sayers October 23, 1967

October 12, 2001

She lived as she loved.

My mind focused only on those few lines. My brain refusing to make them real, make them even remotely permanent. I watched Nora as she sat there, the blanket the funeral home had provided spread across her legs. Her hand raised up to her nose every few minutes, the white Kleenex she clutched becoming more and more saturated, small black marks as her mascara was cried off. Jim sat dry-eyed. He almost looked as if he either felt nothing, or perhaps was just numb. Like me.

As I stood there, I felt so strange, as if I weren't even really there. As if I were just a doll, waiting to go home. Waiting for my owner to come and pick me up. It was very surreal. My eyes were heavy, my lungs heavier from the cold air. Then, to my surprise, I realized that the cold was coming from inside of me. Something had died in me that day. Something I couldn't quite define, but wondered if I would ever get back. Or, ever figure out what it was.

I felt the smooth gla.s.s of the bottle in my fingers. It was my turn to spin the bottle, already having embarra.s.sed the h.e.l.l out of myself when answering Laney's question to tell her about the time I'd lost my virginity. Not pleasant conversation, I a.s.sure you. So, I placed the bottle on the piece of cardboard we had put on the floor to make spinning easier, and let it go. It spun round and round, and I couldn't take my eyes off of it as I wondered where it would land, already formulating questions in my head that would pertain to anyone present. Then, with one final shaky spin, it stopped. I looked up, following the path of the mouth of the bottle, meeting blue eyes. Oh, boy. I stared at Beth for a moment, trying to decide what I wanted to ask her. The entire night she had hung around me, hanging on my every word, confusing me all the more. She had been touchy, quite unusual for her. Even Laney had asked me about it. I had no answer for her. So I sat there, tapping my chin with my finger, studying my best friend with hooded, thoughtful eyes.

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