Part 22 (1/2)

”Okay.” I said finally. Everyone waited, breathless, to see what I'd say. ”Beth,”

”Yes, Em?” she asked, quirking a brow. I grinned.

”If you could kiss anyone in this room, who would it be.” I asked, my voice quiet, almost daring. Quiet chuckles were heard, as everyone there knew the situation, and I believed had secretly been making bets. The three other women in the room looked on, curious to see what Beth would say. Most everyone had answered their question, a near full bottle of tequila waiting for someone to take their drink option. Surly that would not happen. After all, we all had said we wanted to stay sober, and level headed for study time over the weekend. Beth stared at me, her eyes never leaving mine as she thought about my question. Part of me wanted to look away so badly, almost ashamed for asking. It had been a bit manipulative. I hoped I knew the answer, but didn't want to hear it. Yet,...

Beth sighed deeply, then cleared her throat, never breaking eye contact with me.

”I think I'm going to have to choose to take a shot.” She said, her voice just as low and daring as mine had been. Without a word, she reached her hand out to grab the shot of tequila that Richard had poured for her. She raised the small shooter to me, then downed it in one gulp, her face contorting as the liquid fire slid down her throat. My face fell, but I tried to hold it together. Not wanting to give anyone the satisfaction there of knowing that I was crushed. Beth had hurt me. And she had hurt me bad.

I stood where I had been before, many of the people leaving. I could still see in my mind as Beth's casket had pa.s.sed below ground level, disappearing into the earth. So final. My face still felt tight and stiff from the seemingly endless supply of tears that had streamed down my cheeks, I unable to stop them. The numbness that had filled me during the minister's words of finality had melted away, overcome by the unbelievable sorrow as they had begun to lower Beth. Lower her to her resting place. I could hear my mother crying, Monica standing next to me had wept silently, her holding my right hand, Rebecca holding my left arm, as I, too wept silently. Not uttering a sound, just weeping. I could not stop the tears if I had tried, but I hadn't wanted to. I needed to cry. I needed to release. I needed to grieve.

I felt frozen as I stood there, not really sure about who was around me, the numbness returning even though tears still slid from my eyes, warm as they seeped out, then freezing my face as the cold air hit them, making me s.h.i.+ver.

”Honey,” I heard my mother say to my left, her hands wrapped around my arm. ”Come on, honey.” She whispered, her voice thick from emotion.

”No.” I said. ”I'm going to stay for a bit.”

”Are you sure, baby?” I nodded, like a robot, not feeling the nod, just knowing I was nodding. ”Okay. See you at home.” Rebecca hugged and kissed me, then left with my parents. I felt someone standing beside me, and I turned to see it was the blonde who had sat next to Nora. She looked at me, smiled.

”You must be Em?” she said, surprising me by using Beth's name for me. I nodded. She was very beautiful with long, blonde hair, swept back over her shoulders, her blue eyes clear and honest. ”I'm Lana.” She extended her hand, which on autopilot I took. ”I, well, Beth and I lived together for five years.” She turned and looked over at the stone that had kept my rapt attention. ”I was with her when she,” her voice broke just a bit. She cleared her throat, and turned back to me with a smile. ”I heard a lot about you over the years. I always wanted to meet you. And here we are.” I smiled weakly.

”I guess so.” I said, my voice quiet, unrecognizable to myself.

”She used to talk about you all the time. At first I was almost jealous.” She smiled again. I could understand how Beth had fallen in love with this woman. Her pure heart was placed upon her sleeve, as well as her undeniable grief. ”Um, Em, I want you to know that Beth was happy. She was loved. Very much.” She whispered, ducking her head for a moment. She seemed to get herself under control and smiled once again. ”Anyway, just wanted to say h.e.l.lo.”

”Thank you, Lana.” I said, trying to smile through the newest a.s.sault of tears. G.o.d, how could anything be so painful? Lana took a step closer to me, and before I knew it, I was enveloped in a strong hug. I hugged her back, then she pulled back from me, not even looking at me again. She made her way through the cemetery, her black pant suit the only thing visible on her after awhile, until she was gone. I turned back to Beth's stone, taking a step closer.

”Emily? Emily, wake up,”

I opened my eyes to see Candice standing over me. ”What?” I muttered.

”Come on. The study group?” she said, patting her backpack that hung from her arm.

”What about it?” I asked groggily, turning to my other side, giving her a nice view of my back.

”Remember? We're all getting together for the lit cla.s.s final?”

”Not goin'.” I muttered, then closed my eyes. I had no desire whatsoever to get out of bed, let alone go to some stupid study group. I slept through Sat.u.r.day, not giving a s.h.i.+t about finals. Let whatever would happen, happen. I didn't need it. I felt such a heavy weight on me since the party at Richard's. Nothing mattered. Why the h.e.l.l should I care if Beth didn't give a s.h.i.+t? I was tired of caring. I didn't want to care anymore. Why did she have to come back into my life? I was doing just fine! I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt liquid warmth seep out, wetting my pillow, then darkness as sleep once again claimed me.

The darkness dissipated as I heard pounding. Pounding that wouldn't stop. G.o.d, what now? Couldn't they just let me sleep through a G.o.dd.a.m.n Sat.u.r.day?

”What!” I bellowed, my head ringing with the yell.

”Em?” came the m.u.f.fled reply. I quirked open an eye. What the h.e.l.l?

”Go away!”

”Let me in!” the doork.n.o.b rattled, and I just got more irritated.

”Go the f.u.c.k away, whoever you are!” I yelled again, throwing one of my pillows to emphasize my point. Then I jumped as the person kicked the door. My G.o.d. With a growl I jumped from the bed, hurried over to the door, unlocked it, walking back to my bed. The door opened, and I plopped down on the mattress, grabbing my trusty teddy, Ruffles as I sat, holding him close to my chest. Beth barged in, storming to the middle of the room. She looked worried, angry, and all sorts of other things, none of them happy, as she stared down at me, her hands on her hips. ”Go away, Beth.” I said into the fur on top of Ruffles head.

”What the h.e.l.l are you doing, Em?” she asked, her voice hard, angry.

”What do you mean? What am I doing. I'm attempting to sleep, that's what I'm doing. My G.o.d, you'd think the world had never heard of sleeping in, for Christ's sake.”

”Sleeping in?” she repeated, nearly spitting the words out at me.

”Yeah. I know you sure as h.e.l.l know all about that.”

”You've been sleeping in, alright. Do you have any clue what day it is?” she took a step forward. I glared back up at her.

”Sat.u.r.day? At,” I glanced over at the clock, ”one-thirty in the afternoon.”

”Try Monday at one-thirty in the afternoon, Em.” She barked out. I looked at her, incredulous. No. Couldn't be. ”Your roommate was worried about you. She hunted me down after cla.s.s today. Said you didn't do any studying this weekend. Didn't get out of bed this weekend. Em!” she took yet another step closer. ”What the h.e.l.l are you doing?”

”What do you care, Beth? You get p.i.s.sed that I study so much as it is.” I said, picking at Ruffles fur on his arm. She stared at me, stung. It felt good. It felt good to hurt her. My heart still hurt from Richard's party. She was quiet for a moment, her hands running through her hair, studying the floor.

”What is this about, Em?” she finally said, her voice low, quiet. Unsure.

”Nothing, Beth. It's about nothing.” I tossed Ruffles aside. ”Why are you here?” her head jerked up, her eyes narrowed. ”Why don't you just go find one of your flavor of the week girlfriends, and leave me the h.e.l.l alone, okay?” her entire face fell, as did her shoulders, only to regain composure. She took in a deep breath, and stared at me, fire entering her eyes.

”Is this about that stupid game?” she nearly growled. I stared up at her, frightened for just a moment. ”Is that it, Em?”

”You took your shot, Beth. That was your prerogative.” I said, my voice hard. She smiled, though no humor lined those lips, and nodded to herself.

”That's it. Because I wouldn't f.u.c.king admit to,-” she cut herself off.

”What?” I challenged. ”Admit to what, Beth?” I unfolded myself on my bed, and stood. ”Admit to what, Beth?”

”Stop it. This is ridiculous.”

”Is it?” she glared at me.

”Stop it, Em. I'm warning you.”

I took a step closer. I could feel the heat falling from her in waves. She was nearly vibrating with it, though what exactly what ”it” was, I didn't know.

”Or what? Huh?” I reached her, staring up into her face. Her fists were clenched at her sides.

”You want to hear it? Hmm? You want me to answer your f.u.c.king question? Is that it?” she said through clenched teeth.

”Would be nice.”

”Don't do this, Em.” To my surprise I saw fear flash through those eyes. Just as quickly it was gone. ”Fine. I'll answer your f.u.c.king question.” she growled. I sucked in my breath as she lunged, grabbing two handfuls of my s.h.i.+rt, whipping me around until my back was slammed against the wall. A picture crashed to the floor next to me. I wrapped my fingers around her hands that still held my s.h.i.+rt, Beth's body pressed against mine, her jean-clad leg held against me, my boxers digging in. ”You want to hear who I'd kiss?” Beth rumbled, her face mere inches from mine. She had me pinned to the wall, but I don't know that I would have moved had I been able to. I just stared into her eyes, twin pools of icy fire. ”You, Em. I would have kissed you ” her eyes traveled my face, taking in my wide eyes, then down my nose, to my lips where they stayed. ”I've always wanted to kiss you, Em. Still do.” the last whispered.

”Then do it.” I whispered back. Her eyes left my lips, and met my own. So many things pa.s.sed through them; uncertainty, fear, hope, and mostly, desire. The room was filled with the sound of our heavy breaths as we stared at each other. My fingers tightened on her hands, begging her. She clutched my s.h.i.+rt tighter, and roughly pulled me to her, crus.h.i.+ng her lips against mine, pinning me further to the wall, her leg sliding between my own. Her tongue pushed through my closed lips, forcing me to let her in, a whimper escaping her throat. She pushed further into my body, her hands loosening their hold on the material, and grasping my shoulders. My hands released her hands, and slid up her forearms until they snaked up around her neck, bringing her in closer. Her mouth began to slow, and soften against my own, her rough taking turning to the soft bestowing of gifts of her tongue, lips, teeth.

”Beth,” I breathed into her mouth, still amazed that she was here, that she was kissing me, that it was her arms and body around me.

”I'm here.” she whispered, her hands sliding down my shoulders, her fingers sneaking up the short sleeves of the tee, rubbing the bare skin of my upper arms and shoulders. My own hands began to stroke her neck, bury themselves into her thick hair, and eventually find themselves at the collar of her jacket, tugging at it, pulling the leather off of her, down her shoulders, and finally down her arms. Beth tossed the coat to the floor, and came back to me, pressing herself against me again. I could feel her b.r.e.a.s.t.s through the thin material of her s.h.i.+rt, pressed against mine. I moaned, feeling as if I had never been touched before. As if Beth's kiss and touch was water to a drowning woman. The last life-line.