Part 33 (1/2)
When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes a roll in bed.
When are volunteers not volunteers? When they are mustered (mustard).
Which is the merriest sauce? Caper sauce.
Why is a cat going up three pairs of stairs like a high hill? Because she's a-mounting (a mountain).
Why is a lead pencil like a perverse child? Because it never does write (right) by itself.
Why are wooden s.h.i.+ps, as compared with ironclads, of the female s.e.x?
Because they are the weaker vessels.
At what time of life may a man be said to belong to the vegetable kingdom? When long experience has made him sage.
When is a sailor not a sailor? When he is aloft.
What wild animals may be correctly shut up in one enclosure? Twelve ounces in one pound.
What makes a pair of boots? Two boots.
What tree is of the greatest importance in history? The date.
Why is the superintendent of a children's play-ground like a stranded vessel? Because he runs a-ground.
Why is the road-bed laborer on a railroad like a hunted bear in the mountains? Because he makes tracks for his life.
Why is the engineer of a train like an aeronaut? Because he frequently slows down.
Why is it impossible that there should be a best horse on a race course? Because there is always a bettor.
When may a s.h.i.+p be said to be in love? When she wishes for a mate.
What is that which has never been felt, seen, or heard,--never existed, and still has a name? Nothing.
Why is a congreve-box without matches superior to all other boxes?
Because it is matchless.
Why is a postman in danger of losing his way? Because he is guided by the directions of strangers.
What is that which comes with a coach, goes with a coach, is of no use to the coach, and yet the coach cannot go without it? Noise.
Why is a missionary like a pig roasting on a spit? Because he goes around doing good.
Why are hogs more intelligent than humans? Because they nose (knows) everything.
What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master? Because he's got one to wag.
What other edifice does a man sometimes carry about with him besides a sty in his eye? A castle in the (h)air.
When is a fast young man nearest heaven? When on a lark.