Part 11 (2/2)

-Bruce, married 8 years, 2 kids Deciding where to spend vacations can be, uh, a problem. Everyone expects you to be with them. Precious holiday time is meted out, with an eye to keeping everyone happy. Most of us try to rotate visits. It sounds simple in theory, but the practice can get complicated.

”We used to try to split the time between each family when we'd go home to Chicago, but that meant three days at her parents, and three days at my parents. It'll be time to 'move' and my In-Laws and Outlaws 165.

Mom will say, 'Oh, can't you just wait a couple of hours to see Aunt So-and-So?' So then you're feeling sad, but also looking at your watch and knowing that you're about to get in trouble with your wife because now you're cutting in on her time with her family. You get to the point where you don't want to go anymore.”

-Thomas, married 11 years, 1 kid And if either set of your parents is divorced and there are step-sets to factor into the planning, you might have to break down your calendar by the hour in an effort to keep everyone happy.

”Since my parents are divorced, Ed and I have to make three different stops every Christmas-Christmas Eve, Christmas morning, Christmas night-to make sure we cover all the bases.”

-Janice, married 5 years, 1 kid Grandparent Rivalry or The Clash of the Grannies The equal access issue is exacerbated when grandparents compete. Of course, most grandparents like each other tremendously, and build a deep bond based on the love they share for the grandchildren. But some see the other set(s) as ”the opposition.” In effect, they want to be the The Clash of the Grannies The equal access issue is exacerbated when grandparents compete. Of course, most grandparents like each other tremendously, and build a deep bond based on the love they share for the grandchildren. But some see the other set(s) as ”the opposition.” In effect, they want to be the Alpha Grandparents Alpha Grandparents. They want to have more influence on the grandkids than the other family does. As a result, some of them don't share very well as they battle it out for star billing.

The t.i.tle Champions.h.i.+p Sometimes, the battle begins before the baby is even born. Our friend Tina told us that her mother claimed exclusive rights to the t.i.tle ”Grandma” when the baby was still in utero in utero. The paternal grandmother, she most generously conceded, could be called ”Granny or Nana” but only she could be called ”Grandma.”

The Battle for Wall and Floor s.p.a.ce Have you ever done a Grandparent Audit of your home? Tallied up how many gifts each set has sent or counted the number of pictures featuring [image]

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each one of them? No, of course you haven't. You have better things to do with your time. But plenty of grandparents have. They know exactly exactly how much wall and floor s.p.a.ce they occupy. We have been told, fi rsthand, about grandmothers mailing Glamour Shots of themselves to their toddler grandchildren. Sandy told us that she returned home from work one day to find that her visiting mother-in-law had replaced some of her parents' photographs with framed pictures of herself. And it's not just about pictures of the grandparents. As George told us, ”You have to make sure the grandparents have all the same pictures of the kids, or they'll be like, how much wall and floor s.p.a.ce they occupy. We have been told, fi rsthand, about grandmothers mailing Glamour Shots of themselves to their toddler grandchildren. Sandy told us that she returned home from work one day to find that her visiting mother-in-law had replaced some of her parents' photographs with framed pictures of herself. And it's not just about pictures of the grandparents. As George told us, ”You have to make sure the grandparents have all the same pictures of the kids, or they'll be like, 'Hey, why do they have that picture that we don't have?' ”

Clash of the Grannies The picture rivalry is matched only by that time-honored tradition of Gratuitous Grandparental Gift Giving Gratuitous Grandparental Gift Giving. ”If my mom comes over and sees that Brad's Mom has bought the girls a Barbie, she's back the next day with outfits for each of them. It's ridiculous. The house can't hold any more of this c.r.a.p,” says our friend Kyra.

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The Battle for Face Time The gift and picture compet.i.tions are, for the most part, easily resolved.

If grandparents want to blow their retirement money hiring photogra-phers and buying toys, so be it. The battle for face time is much trickier: ”What I can't stand is the 'fis.h.i.+ng.' I hate it when my in-laws, who are divorced, start their fis.h.i.+ng expeditions to see if their ex is getting to spend more time with our kids. It's another game of monkey-in-the-middle, and guess who always winds up being the monkey . . . me!”

-Alicia, married 8 years, 2 kids Brace Yourselves: A Grandma Gone Haywire ”My mother-in-law, Barbara, is so jealous when my mom spends time with our daughter. Barbara lives in town so she sees Kaitlyn all the time. My mom doesn't. When she visits, Barbara is over in a flash. She won't let her have a moment alone with her granddaughter. The last time my mom was here, I overheard Barbara saying, 'If she picks her up one more d.a.m.n time . . . ' Excuse me? Another time, my mom walked in the door to find Barbara with Kaitlyn in her lap, stroking her hair like she was petting a dog. It's all about owners.h.i.+p. Like she is marking her territory. My mother has just as much right as she does to see her granddaughter. I told my wife she better tell her mother to back off . . . or I will.”

-Bobby, married 7 years, 1 kid Exclusive Access That little nightmare story does bring up a point, however, that applies to those of us who are slightly more rational. Every grandparent wants ”their time” with the grandkids. It's an eminently reasonable and understandable desire. But some grandparents don't respect the other side's alone time, causing major headaches for the couple caught in the middle.

Danielle told us how hard this has been to communicate to her in-laws.

”It's not about not wanting to be with Colin's family at all. They're really great. It's just that my parents would simply like to have some time with 168 168 the kids by themselves. I'm afraid to say anything because I think the Bakers will take it the wrong way.”

H OW WO M E N F E E L.

When women marry and start a family, we envision a loving, respectful adult relations.h.i.+p with our husbands, parents, in-laws, and extended family. For many of us, this is exactly how things unfold. We feel an overwhelming sense of grat.i.tude and appreciation for their help and welcome the positive infl uence they have on our kids.

But, where there is trouble, there can be big trouble. Stacie once casually mentioned the subject of family roles during her son's Gymbo-ree cla.s.s. As ”The Wheels on the Bus ” ” played in the background, several Moms abandoned their children on the mini-slides and kiddie tunnels to share their war stories of nest invasion and turf infringement. This is a big issue for women. We think our friend Lisa nailed it when she said, ”I just want to know that I am number one. I want to know that our family comes first. How can I say that without sounding like a b.i.t.c.h?” played in the background, several Moms abandoned their children on the mini-slides and kiddie tunnels to share their war stories of nest invasion and turf infringement. This is a big issue for women. We think our friend Lisa nailed it when she said, ”I just want to know that I am number one. I want to know that our family comes first. How can I say that without sounding like a b.i.t.c.h?”

The Lioness and the Law of the Jungle We have already written about the powerful instincts that accompany motherhood-what we deem the Lioness Effect Lioness Effect. Most women delight in introducing our new cubs to the rest of the pride. But the instincts to protect and nurture our babies also make us guarded, possessive, and, in an animal-kingdom kind of way, authoritarian. Those babies are ours. Those babies are ours.

Nature has charged us, not anyone else, with their ultimate safety, care, and survival.

Law Number One: It's MY Baby Women are perfectly willing to let everyone else in on the kiddie action as long as they understand that ultimately, we call the shots. It's not because we like bossing everyone else around (OK, some of us do). It's because the parenting buck stops with us and the father. We have the ultimate responsibility, so we should have the ultimate authority.

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The Lionness Effect Post-baby tensions are usually rooted in the new Mom's perception, war-ranted or not, that Grandma or Grandpa is stepping on her turf. No matter how much we love our families, we want them to recognize the pecking order. Most grandparents simply want to help (and, of course, hold the baby). Unfortunately their desire to help (and hold) often collides head-on with our desire to do everything ourselves. We can perceive the kindest offers of help as a threat to our authority.

The Turf Battle Of course, some women have a genuine gripe. There are plenty of extended family members who overstep the mark. For example, our friend Gretchen's mother-in-law thought that all babies should be potty trained by age two. She would constantly harangue Gretchen about the fact that her three-year-old old was still in diapers. Expressing an opinion is one thing, lecturing is over the line. Encroachment on a woman's turf is rarely well-received.

”My mother bought the bedding for the nursery. I really wanted to decorate the nursery myself. It's my baby bird, my nest. I don't want some other bird flying in here with foreign materials where I'm going to lay my egg!”

-Alma, married 7 years, 1 kid 170.

”My mother-in-law rearranged my entire kitchen. She even labeled my spices and put them in alphabetical order. h.e.l.lo? My house? I guess I could move out and she could move in. Maybe that would be satisfactory.”

-Helen, married 11 years, 3 kids Law Number Two: I'm Number One Every woman, at least the ones we spoke with, wants to feel that the nuclear family is her husband's top priority. Once we have kids, it is essential that men understand this. That need is especially acute when we have a newborn. Consequently, there are few things more upsetting for a woman than to see her husband choose to ”keep the peace” with his parents rather than support her during the monumental transition to motherhood.

Brace Yourself: Another Horrifying Tale ”When I had my first baby, my parents waited outside the delivery room. I wanted them to see Isabelle immediately and I especially wanted to see my mother. But my mother-in-law was still a couple of hours from the hospital when the baby was born and my husband, Jason, decided that no one could see the baby until his mom got there. He made my parents wait.

They were furious with him. I was so busy trying to nurse that I didn't realize what was happening. His mom arrived and they all came into the room together. Jason handed Isabelle to his mother first. My mom has never forgiven him and it took me a very long time to.”

-Candace, married 11 years, 2 kids Candace's story is an extreme one. Thankfully, men like Jason are rare.

But we tell this cautionary tale to show the dangers of pecking-order blindness.

One thing that raises an eyebrow with women is when our husbands say, ”Well, my mom did it this way.” The implication is that we should do it that way, too. Suggesting that we should ”mother” the way his mother In-Laws and Outlaws 171.

did makes us feel as if our husbands don't recognize our authority. Our friend Melissa said, ”John says things like, 'When I grew up, I was in day care. I ate candy. My mother always worked. And I turned out just fi ne.'

Yeah, he did turn out fine, but that's not necessarily the way I want to do it with our kids.”

It's also important to us that our parents and in-laws parents and in-laws recognize that our marriages come first. Some women, like Anita, whose mother had no boundaries, talked about how their own mothers or fathers wanted to claim too much of their family's time. Others told us they felt their in-laws didn't recognize their importance in their son's lives. ” recognize that our marriages come first. Some women, like Anita, whose mother had no boundaries, talked about how their own mothers or fathers wanted to claim too much of their family's time. Others told us they felt their in-laws didn't recognize their importance in their son's lives. ”I'm his wife” his wife”

is something women often feel they have to communicate with all the delicacy of whacking them over the head with a two-by-four.

Lionesses at Play: the Female Dynamic While there can be substantial tension on occasion between men in the family web, it seems, based on the comments we collected, that the majority of tension flares up between women and their mothers or mothers-in-law. Why is this?

Once a lioness, always a lioness. The maternal instinct never dies. The maternal instinct never dies.

Grandmothers often feel qualified to comment on child care and household matters because that was once their domain.

Just because their daughter or son is now a parent does not mean they stop being a mother to them.

”The day we got home from the hospital, I asked my husband to go into the kitchen to get me a bottle of water. His mother glared at me and said, 'He's tired, too, you know.' ”

-Jill, married 3 years, 1 kid 172.

Our Husband's Relations.h.i.+p with His Family Stop Calling in the Cavalry Stop Calling in the Cavalry ”Spending time with Grandpa is not the same as spending time with Dad. I've argued with my husband about this. His father is not his proxy parent.”

-Linda, married 4 years, 1 kid Some women complained that their husbands are too quick to p.a.w.n the kids off on the grandparents. ”My husband has his mother on speed dial.

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