Part 11 (1/2)
In-Laws and Outlaws The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly ”Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
-George Burns How many people made the slightly ominous ”when you marry, you marry the family” comment to you before you got married? As the wedding planning took on a life of its own, you started to understand what that meant, right? You thought deciding whether to seat Uncle Walter next to Cousin Lola took the diplomatic skill of a U.N. Secretary General? Just wait and see what happens to the extended family dynamic when you have a baby.
It's yet another paradox of parenthood. On the one hand, it propels many of us back to our families. We can grow closer and relate better to our parents. On the other, it demands that we step into adulthood once and for all and make our new family our first priority. Usually, this is a less-than-seamless transition.
This chapter is about how profoundly our family relations.h.i.+ps are altered by a baby and how, in turn, these changes impact our marriages.
Sometimes these changes are wonderful; sometimes they are far from it.
Things can change for the better. It can be a veritable Love Fest. Having kids gives us an opportunity to develop a closer relations.h.i.+p not only with our own families, but also with the whole cast of characters who have an important role to play in creating a happy, joyful childhood for our kids. What child doesn't benefit from another set of hands applaud- [image]
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ing every tiny achievement, another lap to sit on, another teller of tales, another adult who loves and cherishes them?
”My parents and I have become so close since I had my kids.
We've always had a good relations.h.i.+p, but they mean even more to me now. We talk at least once a day and they have been there for me every step of the way. I am so deeply grateful to them, and I am so thankful they will be a loving, positive infl uence in my kids' lives.”
-Hope, married 9 years, 2 kids ”I can't believe I'm saying this. After Ellie was born, I had a whole new appreciation for my mother-in-law.”
-Bob, married 5 years, 1 kid Family Tug-of-War Things can also change for the worse. As a couple we can fi nd ourselves in a Family Tug-of-War Family Tug-of-War, with opposing in-laws jockeying for prime position and grandparents who want to run the show. Even the best of us can end up with a t.i.t-for-tat mindset-”the kids see more of your family than mine”-either because we want to keep the peace with our own parents, or we feel genuinely hard done by because our spouse has joined his or her family in pulling on the other end of that rope.
”My wife wanted to live near her parents, so we moved. It's great having them so close by to help, but I can't quite fi gure out In-Laws and Outlaws 159.
where I fit into this whole equation. I've changed my job. I have no friends. We see her family almost every day and see mine only a couple of times a year. I'm not the head of the family. I'm just a sidekick to theirs.”
-William, married 8 years, 2 kids Back to the Caves . . . Again Before we discuss the impact of our extended families on our marriages, let's pause for a moment to ask ourselves why do we act the way we do why do we act the way we do after a baby arrives after a baby arrives? Why are so many of us drawn back to our families?
Why do many of our parents, siblings, in-laws, and other family members seem to lose it when the babies enter the picture?
As you may have guessed by now, whenever we can, we blame less-than-perfect behavior (ours or anyone else's) on biological hardwiring.
As we've already noted, having children can send us hurtling right back to the caves. Guess who's waiting there for us? Our entire families. The root of much post-baby family tension lies within each individual's in-nate desire to maximize the survival and dominance of their own genetic legacy. That's a fancy way of saying that everyone wants to call dibs on the baby.
Think about it. What's the most frequently asked question upon the birth of a new baby (right after ”How is everyone doing?”)? Right. ”Who does the baby look like? does the baby look like? ” It sounds innocent enough, but it is actually the most loaded of questions. Don't we all have the secret (or not-so-secret) desire to know he looks just like us? Cathy's husband is Indian, and she was thrilled when her daughter was born with a freckle-like birthmark on her bottom. It was as if, Cathy says, Kate came into the world with ” It sounds innocent enough, but it is actually the most loaded of questions. Don't we all have the secret (or not-so-secret) desire to know he looks just like us? Cathy's husband is Indian, and she was thrilled when her daughter was born with a freckle-like birthmark on her bottom. It was as if, Cathy says, Kate came into the world with ”Irish” stamped on her b.u.m. All families play their own version of the ”Is she an O'Neill or a Kadyan?” game. Our German friend, Carolyn, told us, ”My mother-in-law says, 'I see a little brown in there. Her eyes are definitely going to be brown.' My daughter is two and her eyes are sky blue. She keeps thinking her Italian side of the gene pool is going to ultimately emerge victorious.”
Hardwiring also influences the way we relate to our spouses and our families. As parents, we often turn to our families for guidance and emo-160 tional support. Many of us forge a deeper and more loving connection with our parents and siblings (and sometimes even our in-laws) at this time. We appreciate our parents in a whole new way and we love sharing our children's early years with them.
The downside, though, is that it can make us compet.i.tive with one another within the marriage. We want to make sure the kids are suffi - ciently exposed to our our family, and that family, and that our our family (a.k.a. our genes) has as great, if not a greater, influence than our spouse's. We also want the pecking order to be clear. We get more protective of our ”turf ”-our kids, our spouses, our way of doing things-and we'll fight like h.e.l.l if that turf is threatened. And we get supremely annoyed if our spouse doesn't see it like we do. family (a.k.a. our genes) has as great, if not a greater, influence than our spouse's. We also want the pecking order to be clear. We get more protective of our ”turf ”-our kids, our spouses, our way of doing things-and we'll fight like h.e.l.l if that turf is threatened. And we get supremely annoyed if our spouse doesn't see it like we do.
Issues for the Couple (What It All Means for the Two of You) The subtle, and not so subtle, changes in the family dynamics can cause serious tension between husband and wife. In fact, the main issue is not the main issue is not that you might have arguments with your parents or in-laws; it is that your that you might have arguments with your parents or in-laws; it is that your extended families might cause arguments between the two of you extended families might cause arguments between the two of you. Of course, as with all things in life, it's not what happens to you, it's how you react to it.
Almost every couple we spoke with had one or two ongoing disputes, and an unfortunate few were having divorce-level arguments. Most of the conflicts (and, yes, we admit, we've had more than a few ourselves) center around the following issues: * The Pecking Order *
Interference *
Grandparent Qualifi cations *
Equal Access In-Laws and Outlaws 161.
The Pecking Order ”My wife is married to her mother. She talks to her first about all major decisions, and then I am told what we we have decided.” have decided.”
-Duane, married 11 years, 3 kids On an intellectual level, we know that putting our spouse above all others is how it's supposed to work. (Hmmm. Wasn't that a marriage vow?
It sounds awfully familiar.) We all want to know that we have top billing in our spouse's heart. In many ways, prioritizing our new family over our original one is the final step into adulthood. And, for most of us, it's a difficult step to take. Telling Mom and/or Dad to back off is not easy, no matter how much we did it (or wanted to do it) as teenagers.
”My mother has no boundaries. She wants to visit all the time and doesn't understand that this interferes with our family time on the weekends, which is all we have since I work full-time.
It's created a real issue between my husband and me. He tells me, 'You've got to stand up to her more,' and I'm trying, but it's hard.”
-Anita, married 9 years, 4 kids It's not just about knowing when to tell our parents to stuff it (respectfully). It's also about how we choose to spend our time, because when we become parents, time is our most precious commodity. How much time we spend with our respective families is a clear indication of who comes first. Our friend Hillary had this to say on the matter: ”My husband helps his dad manage his money, so he's often on the phone with him all evening. Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I really resent that he spends that amount of time with his dad when we have so little time together. What about me and the girls?”
Of course there will be times in life when our parents will need and deserve our attention, especially as they age or if they become ill. But, in general, if we put our ”old” family ahead of our ”new” family, we are effectively telling our spouses, ”You are not my number one priority. They are.” Even though that is rarely the intention, it can have a devastating 162 162 effect. There are few things more hurtful than thinking that the person with whom you share your life does not put you fi rst.
Interference Closely related to recognizing who comes first are the disagreements produced by a grandparent (or an entire bevy of relatives) with intervention-ist tendencies. Grandparents in particular feel a certain sense of owners.h.i.+p, a certain right of involvement that causes them to encroach on their kids' turf. They interfere and, G.o.d forbid, they volunteer opinions: ”My mother-in-law didn't think that I sent out the thank-you notes for our daughter's first birthday party quick enough, so she decided she needed to do it herself. She handwrote them all, signed our daughter's name, put our return address on them, and drove the fifteen miles into our town so they would be postmarked from where we live-all of this without telling me.
I found out when a friend mentioned it.”
-Tina, married 8 years, 2 kids ”My parents are so critical of my decision to work full-time. My dad says, 'Your working is so hard on little Jamie. He tells me he really misses his Mommy.' ”
-Kristin, married 6 years, 1 kid ”My father-in-law keeps emailing me articles about childhood obesity. He thinks our eleven-month-old is too fat. She is a chubby, adorable, healthy baby.”
-Beatrice, married 9 years, 2 kids Live and let live is not every grandparent's motto. They generally do mean well when they offer advice, or just haul off and do what they think is best. The problem for the two of you to resolve is what happens when one of you agrees with the infringer and the other doesn't. Since most of us have a much higher tolerance for our own parents' ”misbehaviors” is not every grandparent's motto. They generally do mean well when they offer advice, or just haul off and do what they think is best. The problem for the two of you to resolve is what happens when one of you agrees with the infringer and the other doesn't. Since most of us have a much higher tolerance for our own parents' ”misbehaviors”
than our spouse does, and vice versa, there are lots of opportunities for disagreement.
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”Janet thinks that it is fantastic that her mother is so helpful.
And she is great. But she doesn't know when to stop. She will call on Sat.u.r.day morning and have a whole day planned, movie with the kids or whatever. It's hard to say no, but I just wish she'd back off, or at least ask us if we have any plans fi rst.”
-Kevin, married 8 years, 3 kids It's also an issue when an in-law's presence influences how your spouse behaves: ”When his parents are here, I see a change in my husband. He gets tougher on the kids to make sure they are well-behaved.
He's so much more easygoing when it's just us.”
-Melanie, married 9 years, 2 kids ”When my mother-in-law comes to stay with us, Danny becomes a complete lazy a.s.s. He lets her do his entire share of the parenting load. She washes the dishes, picks up the kids, does his laundry. It's like he's the lord of the manor. I know he loves having her clucking over him, but it drives me nuts. He's a Dad now and he needs to let go of being her little boy.”
-Mary, married 5 years, 2 kids Grandparent Qualifi cations In some instances one spouse thinks that a grandparent is perfectly able to mind the kids, whereas the other spouse wouldn't leave a small animal in his or her care. When your grandparenting standards differ, arguments will inevitably follow.
”I think my in-laws lack judgment. It's a safety issue. My father-in-law lets the kids jump on the bed with the ceiling fan on and leaves knife handles hanging off the kitchen countertops. My husband doesn't see what I'm so upset about, so I get no backup from him when I tell my father-in-law that those things are dangerous.”
-Helen, married 11 years, 3 kids 164.
The ”What If ” Question The discussion about grandparent (and other family member) qualifi - cations can become heated, if not explosive, when you talk about who should raise the kids in the unfortunate event of your untimely deaths.
”My wife vetoed my parents because my dad has guns in the house and has a real relaxed 'boys will be boys' approach to everything. I don't want her parents raising them because her mom is a loud hippie type. Whenever we try to discuss this we end up fi ghting.”
-James, married 9 years, 3 kids Equal Access We all love and feel a sense of obligation to our families of origin. Our spouse feels the same love and responsibility toward his or hers. Finding the time to meet each spouse's desire to be with their family is a huge challenge. Sometimes we don't get the balance right at all: Holiday h.e.l.l Holiday h.e.l.l ”Since we had kids, my wife insists that we spend Christmas with her family, and partic.i.p.ate in their 'special' traditions, which consist of eating dinner at a bad Italian restaurant, going to church in a school gymnasium, then playing poker and drinking Scotch until midnight with my wife's brother-in-law's senile step-grandmother. It's great.”