Part 12 (1/2)

If I leave him alone with the kids for more than an hour, his mom is over here in a flash,” says Charlotte. Some women think this is an abuse of the grandparents. Others fear that it encourages over-involvement. Others call it just plain lazy just plain lazy.

H OW M E N F E E L.

”The secret of a happy marriage? How about this: lots of b.l.o.w.j.o.bs and no in-laws!”

-Alan, married 9 years, 3 kids ”My dad had two things to say about getting married: 'If you're buying a house, buy one as far away from her family as possible.

Then, make sure she has a car that works so she can drive back and forth.' ”

-Jay, married 10 years, 2 kids Help Is Help Is Help Men are anxious to help their wives with the child care or, more accurately, to fi nd help to fi nd help for their wives. They often don't realize that their choice of help for their wives. They often don't realize that their choice of help is is the problem and are often oblivious to potential tensions. Our friend Tim told us, ”I thought she was happy to have my mom help with the cooking and was.h.i.+ng up. I didn't know she was annoying her so much.” Most of the time, they can't really relate to the turf battle In-Laws and Outlaws the problem and are often oblivious to potential tensions. Our friend Tim told us, ”I thought she was happy to have my mom help with the cooking and was.h.i.+ng up. I didn't know she was annoying her so much.” Most of the time, they can't really relate to the turf battle In-Laws and Outlaws 173.

going on between the women. A lot of the time, they don't even know it's going on until they are told, and their services as peacemakers/mediators are requested.

A Rock and a Hard Place ”I just want to keep everyone happy. Why can't everyone just be happy?”

-Brian, married 6 years, 2 kids That role of mediator is not one that many men relish. Many guys told us that they feel like they are caught between a rock and a hard place. They want to facilitate their parents' wishes to spend time with the kids, but they don't want to upset a wife who finds the parents a ”challenge.” As the web of familial relations grows more tangled, men can be frustrated by the difficulty of negotiating every twist and turn.

”I am an only child and my father died a couple of years ago, so I feel a tremendous sense of responsibility toward my mom.

When we had our first kid, my wife, Andrea, wanted Christmas at our house. My mother refused to come. She just insisted that we have Christmas at 'her table' the way we always have. We tried to compromise: breakfast at Mom's and then dinner at ours. All through breakfast Mom moaned about how she was going to be eating alone that night. Then on the way home, Andrea was furious with me that I didn't tell my mother to quit her complaining when she could easily eat with all of us.”

-Daniel, married 11 years, 3 kids It's a Control Thing (Whaddya Know?) The Male Version of the Turf Battle Where there is tension, however, it revolves around that timeless question: ”Who's in charge here?” Just like women (perhaps even more so, given all that testosterone), guys need to know that they, too, are numero uno in the pecking order. Some men describe feeling virtually invisible, es-174 pecially during the newborn stage as the women take over the house and start issuing directives. Like our friend David who said, ”No one seemed all that interested in what I I thought we should do with the baby.” thought we should do with the baby.”

Stepping on My Manhood While Dad won't feel like his authority is threatened if Grandpa suggests that the boys need a haircut (Mom, on the other hand, wonders if he is suggesting that she has been negligent in the grooming department), there are certain areas over which men want to maintain control, or at least the consulting rights.

”My mother-in-law bought our son his first bike, and that was just stepping on my manhood. There's just certain things a guy wants to do.”

-Anton, married 9 years, 2 kids ”It's gotta be a man thing . . . One of my brothers was going to teach Charlie how to play chess and my husband got furious. I said, 'What's wrong with that? You don't even know how to play chess!' Well, I tell you what, he went and learned chess, and then he taught our son how to play.”

-Gwen, married 11 years, 3 kids It is is a man thing . . . We didn't understand it, but our husbands all nod-ded in agreement and knew exactly what these guys were saying. It seems guys have a clear vision of what a father should do, and the rest of us had best steer clear of those things. For some it's playing chess, for others it's going to the first baseball game or coaching the soccer team. Each man has his own list of things that he believes should be Dad's prerogative. a man thing . . . We didn't understand it, but our husbands all nod-ded in agreement and knew exactly what these guys were saying. It seems guys have a clear vision of what a father should do, and the rest of us had best steer clear of those things. For some it's playing chess, for others it's going to the first baseball game or coaching the soccer team. Each man has his own list of things that he believes should be Dad's prerogative.

BONUS SECTION: H OW G R A N D PA R E NT S F E E L.

”Everyone should just skip the whole parenting ordeal. Being a grandparent is where it's at.”

-Stan, married 30 years, 3 kids, 5 grandkids In-Laws and Outlaws In-Laws and Outlaws 175.

We Just Love Those Kids ”The happiest day of my life was the day Kate was born, the day I became a grandmother.”

-Krishna, Cathy's mother-in-law, married 38 years, 2 kids, 2 grandkids 2 grandkids ”When your grandkids give you a hug, it's completely genuine- you know it's for real. The love we have for our grandkids is one of the purest kinds of love there is. There are no strings attached.”

-Lou and Julie, Julia's parents, married 42 years, 2 kids, 3 grandkids 3 grandkids Wow! They do love those kids. Who knew that we (the three of us, and all of you) are raising the smartest, most beautiful, most talented generation in the history of the world? At least, that's what you'd think if you talked to any grandparent about his or her grandchild. Our own parents and in-laws are just nuts about our kids. There are no expectations (except for the few grandparents who insist on instilling handshake/eye-contact skills). There is only a love fest.

In addition to the crazy love, grandparents have the deep desire for immortality, to leave a mark on their genetic legacy. As Megan's mother said: ”When you get older, and you see your grandkids and know that, G.o.d willing, they will keep living long after you are dead, you feel like they are the way you leave a footprint behind. You want to touch them in some way that you'll be remembered by. It becomes almost imperative.”

Consequently, they want to spend time with the grandkids. They want to pa.s.s on family traditions. (In Julia's family's case, ”tradition” means an obsession with University of Texas football.) They want to have as great an infl uence as possible on the child's development.

Some grandparents told us that being a grandparent offers them the chance they never got the first time around to spend quality time with family: 176.

”When you become parents and raise your family, you mostly experience shock and can only occasionally appreciate the awe.

For ten years, I worked three jobs as I endured a shaky career as an Eastern Airlines pilot. Back then, it was about survival and preparing for two college tuitions. I didn't get to spend much time with my family. I missed out on a lot. When you become a grandparent, however, it's total awe. You get to see the whole picture. I feel like I have a second chance.”

-Richard, Stacie's father, married 41 years, 2 kids, 5 grandkids The Granny Grab The grand-maternal instinct, in particular, is a force to be reckoned with (and sometimes vigilantly kept in check). Cathy's grandmother-in-law, at age 83, got on a plane, for the first time in her life, and left India, also for the first time in her life, so that she could see and hold her fi rst great-grandchild. So many people told us about their mothers or mothers-in-law just ”ripping” the baby right out of someone else's arms that we decided it was worth naming. We call it The Granny Grab The Granny Grab-an involuntary, uncontrollable impulse to s.n.a.t.c.h the baby. Grandmas grab first and ask later. And may G.o.d help the man, woman, or beast who gets in the way.

We Really Do Just Want to Help No grandparent we spoke with had fantasies of usurping the parents and running the whole child-rearing show. They just want to help. They see how hard we are working and want to ease the burden for us. Many of them think, however, that their kids are overly sensitive and too quick to take offense. Jocelyn said, ”I told my daughter that I'd be happy to take the baby for a couple of days so she could get some rest. She wouldn't hear of it. Honestly, all I wanted to do was help her get some sleep.”

In-Laws and Outlaws 177.

Who's Being Overbearing Here?

Many grandparents we spoke with told us that they found their own kids far too controlling. Miriam told us, ”When I babysit, I am given detailed instructions, right down to being told not to put a sweater on the baby when it's ninety-five degrees outside. They treat me like I'm an idiot.”

Others said that their kids' reluctance to give them any caregiving au-tonomy (”I am told exactly what to give Taylor for dinner.”) makes them feel like hired help rather than a member of the family.

”I feel like an interloper, not an in-law.”

-Bonnie, married 37 years, 4 kids, 8 grandkids Many of them think their kids need to lighten up on the parenting front. Many of them think their kids need to lighten up on the parenting front.

In their opinion, we take ourselves waaaay waaaay too seriously. Yvonne and Donald said their daughter-in-law sent them a reading list so that they could prepare for their upcoming visit with the new baby. Yvonne and Donald are the parents of six. All six of their kids graduated from college and include an engineer, an attorney, and a physician. too seriously. Yvonne and Donald said their daughter-in-law sent them a reading list so that they could prepare for their upcoming visit with the new baby. Yvonne and Donald are the parents of six. All six of their kids graduated from college and include an engineer, an attorney, and a physician.

Others are baffled as to why they are always in the doghouse. They are always violating some strict edict no one told them about. Betty said: ”The last time I was visiting Sophie, I brought the most beautiful book of fairy tales- Cinderella Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty Sleeping Beauty, the cla.s.sic stories. I was stiffly told that Sophie is not allowed any 'princess material'-that it would give her the wrong messages about men and women. You would think I had brought contraband into the house.”

Grandparents can find themselves walking on eggsh.e.l.ls, tiptoeing around their kids. As Edie told us, ”I learned the hard way that I should only give advice if I am asked for it.”

The Generation Gap The immense difference between our lives and our parents' lives sometimes makes it difficult for us to relate to each other.

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178.

”I had my first child when I was twenty-one. My daughter had her first when she was thirty-one. She was so much more earnest about the whole thing. She read books, she went to yoga cla.s.ses, she even researched preschools before the birth. We just got on with it. And most of the time, maybe because we were younger, we would listen to our own mothers. We accepted that we needed help. My daughter dismisses most of the suggestions I give her. I'm out of date. I haven't read the latest books.”

-Dorothy, married 42 years, 3 kids, 7 grandkids Greetings from the Doghouse Greetings from the Doghouse New Respect Even if they do, at times, fi nd us a tad controlling, grandparents told us of feeling an enormous sense of respect and pride as they watch their children become parents.

”What an extraordinary thing it is to see the baby you you brought into the world holding the baby brought into the world holding the baby they they brought into the world. To see your child take on the responsibility of parenthood, and to remember what it was like when you took it on, just fi lls you with the desire to love and support them any way you can.” brought into the world. To see your child take on the responsibility of parenthood, and to remember what it was like when you took it on, just fi lls you with the desire to love and support them any way you can.”

-Lloyd, married 38 years, 2 kids, 6 grandkids In-Laws and Outlaws In-Laws and Outlaws 179.

This sense of respect can also extend (sometimes for the first time) to the daughter- or son-in-law. Yet again, hardwiring plays a part. Grandparents recognize that both parents are critical to their grandchild's (a.k.a. their genetic legacy) success, and they respond accordingly.

No Respect A small but unhappy minority of grandparents told us they felt used.

They suit up and show up to help with the kids, but get little in the way of thanks or appreciation. Said one grandfather, Ken, ”Lizzie and Mack just a.s.sume we'll be there when they need us, which we will be. But Margaret and I feel taken for granted. A simple expression of grat.i.tude on their part would be nice.” Another grandfather, Ralph, said it was worse than just being taken for granted, ”My daughter-in-law's parents get the red-carpet treatment because they live out of town. I live nearby, and I'm nothing but a workhorse. I get a call when my son needs help loading lumber in his truck, not to be invited to a ball game with the kids.”

S O LUTI O N S FO R BOTH.

Once we have kids we learn that it's not just about us anymore. No matter how much our extended families might drive us crazy, they also enrich our lives and our kids' lives immeasurably. Ultimately, it's up to the ”new grown-ups” (yikes! that's us) to keep extended family relations.h.i.+ps and expectations in check. Keeping things running smoothly is in everyone's best interest: ours, our kids', and our respective families'. Easier said than done, we know. The three of us put together the following BPYM Family BPYM Family Management Plan Management Plan to help us all with the ”doing” part. We hope it will give us a framework for ironing out some of the kinks in our post-baby family dynamics. to help us all with the ”doing” part. We hope it will give us a framework for ironing out some of the kinks in our post-baby family dynamics.

The BPYM Family Management Plan BPYM Family Management Plan ”We're trying to create a new policy, or the 'perfect symbiotic relations.h.i.+p,' that will be good for everyone. The plan is that my mom will have an overnight with the kids once every couple 180 180 of months. She gets her one-on-one time, and my husband and I get a break together.”