Part 10 (1/2)

Mild feelings of compromising He will think he is one lucky yourself. These will pa.s.s.

b.a.s.t.a.r.d and look down with superiority at all the poor slobs around him.

He will change the next stinky diaper without being asked.

You will buy yourself a couple of days, maybe even a week.

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144.

. . . Five Minutes Later Get Out of Mommy Mode: Reclaim Your s.e.xuality The whole b.l.o.w.j.o.b thing is well and good. It works, but that's slightly beside the point. It's a stopgap. A Band-Aid. The real questions are a lot harder. Girls, don't we all deserve to have a good s.e.x life? Shouldn't we aspire to have The whole b.l.o.w.j.o.b thing is well and good. It works, but that's slightly beside the point. It's a stopgap. A Band-Aid. The real questions are a lot harder. Girls, don't we all deserve to have a good s.e.x life? Shouldn't we aspire to have great great s.e.x rather than s.e.x rather than marriage-maintenance marriage-maintenance s.e.x? Or at least to have s.e.x? Or at least to have great great s.e.x a few times a year? s.e.x a few times a year?

* What makes you feel s.e.xy these days?

What would really put you in the mood? put you in the mood?

The three of us asked ourselves these questions and couldn't answer them.

We looked at each other blankly. We stared at the ceiling. The girl who used to feel that way seemed like an old friend we hadn't heard from in a long time. Men are not miracle workers. If we do nothing to maintain our sense of self and just surrender completely to being Mommies, how can we expect them to make us feel s.e.xy and desirable? We all have to pull ourselves far enough out of the mommy vacuum to reclaim at least a portion of our s.e.xual, vital selves.

We asked our friends what they do to get themselves in the mood.

Here are some of their recommendations: The ”s.e.x Life” of New Parents 145.

”We get a room in a hotel. The s.e.x is great and the room service is even better.”

”I read a dirty beach book or sometimes even The Joy of s.e.x The Joy of s.e.x (best done with a gla.s.s of wine) and earmark the pages for him to read.” (best done with a gla.s.s of wine) and earmark the pages for him to read.”

”I wear s.e.xy underwear all day. I splurge a little on this. If you're going to do this, don't cheap out, because by 6:00 p.m., you'll feel itchy, not s.e.xy.”

”Sometimes I go to bed naked. My husband likes the 'surprise'

when he gets in bed, and it helps me get revved up faster.”

”When I am in the changing room at the gym I take a good look at the other women. This is what real women look like. Not like the stick insects in magazines and on television. I realize that I look better than a lot of them.”

”I like it when my husband acts like he really wants me- especially when we're out somewhere like the mall and he can't do anything about it. The gleam in his eye is a turn-on for me.”

”When we go out to parties, I like to flirt (tastefully, of course) with the other men there. It reminds me of my old self. It's nice to get a little attention. It also reminds me why I like my husband so much.”

”G.o.d, don't tell anyone, but we watch the dirty-movie channels in our bedroom late at night. Just a couple of minutes of that pretty much gets me raring to go, even if I wasn't in the mood before.”

Strike While the Iron (Psst, That's You, Honey) Is Hot ”Sometimes I take the s.e.xual initiative just because I know that he needs it. On average I would say half the time. Usually, if I give him the ball he runs with it.”

-Marianne, married 12 years, 5 kids How often have you initiated s.e.x in the last six months? In the last six years? Most of us never do. But when you you take the initiative, you have take the initiative, you have 146 146 s.e.x on your terms, when you you want it. You feel less like a rabbit in a cage waiting for your husband to make his move. You feel more in control and your husband feels, well, great. It can have a hugely positive impact on your marriage. want it. You feel less like a rabbit in a cage waiting for your husband to make his move. You feel more in control and your husband feels, well, great. It can have a hugely positive impact on your marriage.

It takes some practice when you've been out of the habit for a while.

Capitalize on a stray thought in the middle of the day. Hang on to it for later. Call your husband at work to tell him you're suddenly feeling amorous. Take an extra sneak peek at that good-looking guy at the gym. Needless to say, your husband will be thrilled that you want him (him, not the guy in the gym) and wonder what he did to spark your interest. Just by thinking about s.e.x differently-as an activity you once enjoyed and might again one day, as opposed to one more demand that's made on your time and your body, you might start to get more interested.

”If I feel even the slightest inkling-I've learned to act on it.”

-Janice, married 5 years, 1 kid Dull Women Have Immaculate Lives d.a.m.n you, Martha Stewart! One of the reasons we have less time and energy for s.e.x is because we let household minutiae and our kids' social calendars drain us. Lazy Moms have more s.e.x. They've got more energy for it. We can spend too much time finding the perfect Christmas card in July (with everyone dressed in matching reindeer sweaters for the photo), or organizing our cupboards in smallest-to-largest contain-ers, and neglect our relations.h.i.+ps. We can get more concerned with the minutiae than with keeping our marriages humming. When it comes to When it comes to housekeeping, go for the ”Gentleman's C.” housekeeping, go for the ”Gentleman's C.” You can eke out a perfectly re-spectable-looking household with much less effort than would appear to the outsider. Learn to leave it. Save yourself. You can eke out a perfectly re-spectable-looking household with much less effort than would appear to the outsider. Learn to leave it. Save yourself.

Dull Women Have Immaculate Lives. And really, who wants to be a dull woman? Given the choice between making a ca.s.serole and having s.e.x, perhaps there are times when we could choose s.e.x. We've learned that maintaining a closer relations.h.i.+p with our husbands generally trumps a clean kitchen fl oor. And really, who wants to be a dull woman? Given the choice between making a ca.s.serole and having s.e.x, perhaps there are times when we could choose s.e.x. We've learned that maintaining a closer relations.h.i.+p with our husbands generally trumps a clean kitchen fl oor.

The ”s.e.x Life” of New Parents 147.

If you feel wiped out at the end of the day, try leaving the house in chaos and just sit beside your husband and watch TV or take a bath.

Because if you're already feeling tired-with each toy you pick up and T-s.h.i.+rt you fold, your annoyance with him is going to grow tenfold. By the time you get into bed you'll want to kick him, not kiss him. A few times a month, try to be a slacker housewife. If your husband complains, tell him why. We have yet to hear of a man who would choose an immaculate bathroom over s.e.x.

Just Do It ”As far as I can tell, what men really expect from marriage is a constant supply of s.e.x. I'm not sure that is a lot to ask especially considering that women need a bit more attention and the kids need to be driven all those places. I am trying to buck up and be open to s.e.x more often.”

-Carla, married 9 years, 2 kids Otherwise known as ”suit up and show up.” In an ideal world, or at least in the world of soap-opera television and movie romance that we all grew up with, s.e.x would always be preceded by overwhelming feelings of l.u.s.t and love toward your husband and an irresistible urge to be swept away in a roiling sea of all-night pa.s.sion with him. If such feelings were a prerequisite for s.e.x we'd have s.e.x about twice a year.

But, hey, the stars don't always have to be in perfect alignment, the temperature in the room doesn't have to be a constant seventy-two degrees, the light doesn't have to fall just right through the gently breeze-blown curtains, our hair doesn't have to be washed, our stomachs don't have to be f lat, and the children don't need to be at our mother's.

Important note! Speaking of flat stomachs and the whole body-image thing, most guys echoed the thoughts of our friend Tim who told us: ”Even though I know Margot doesn't feel that great about her body, I still find her as attractive as ever.”

When the three of us realized how important s.e.x was to our husbands and the health of our marriages, we decided to occasionally ”buck up,” as 148 148 Carla put it. Even though we don't always want to, sometimes we just do it. It's a shame, really, that it can sometimes feel so ch.o.r.elike, but unlike doing the laundry, it does have side benefi ts.

”The more I do it, the more I want to do it. My youngest kid is almost three, and I'm starting to get some of my old s.e.x drive back. In the meantime, I'm doing my best to just stay in the game.”

-Nora, married 10 years, 3 kids How to Ask Him to Help The three of us spent a lot of time being ticked off at our husbands for not pitching in as much as we thought they should. What we've learned is the following: guys need targets to hit. While you're having that little tete-a- tete about how much s.e.x you're going to have, you can negotiate a little more help in return. Combine this discussion with a specifi c specifi c one about the division of labor and who will do what. When he has a set of goals he can reach, he's fine. He doesn't understand the ”general expectation” way of thinking. When he has a list to check off, you'll get some help, and he'll feel good about hitting his targets. one about the division of labor and who will do what. When he has a set of goals he can reach, he's fine. He doesn't understand the ”general expectation” way of thinking. When he has a list to check off, you'll get some help, and he'll feel good about hitting his targets.

S O LUTI O N S FO R M E N.

In talking to men, we've heard from guys who are just about as low as a man can get because of lack of s.e.x. Guys, the three of us are trying to feel your pain. We get it now, so you have to trust us. We can help you get more We get it now, so you have to trust us. We can help you get more s.e.x, but your handicap is going to suffer. s.e.x, but your handicap is going to suffer. The bad news is that our pseu-doscientific research did actually confirm your worst nightmare: there The bad news is that our pseu-doscientific research did actually confirm your worst nightmare: there are are guys out there having more s.e.x than you. But keep the faith, because that same research also showed there are lots of things you can do to up your average. guys out there having more s.e.x than you. But keep the faith, because that same research also showed there are lots of things you can do to up your average.

We wish we could sum it all up for you in a neat little formula, but women are complicated (and therefore fascinating) creatures who require a little more effort than you may have thought you'd have to expend after you got married. We can't give you a + b = c a + b = c, but we can give you a few The ”s.e.x Life” of New Parents 149.

long-term investment strategies to implement. We're not saying you will automatically get laid every night you do the dishes or take her out for a pizza, but you will create a more positive atmosphere, and hopefully, fi nd a major payoff at the end.

* Investment Strategy #1: Try stepping up to the domestic responsibility plate in a big way. Not a puny way, but in a Babe Ruth kind of way. Big hits. Game after game after game. Women who reported they were more into s.e.x said their husbands had put their arms around their share of the domestic burden and given it a big ol' man hug. We call it redefining foreplay. The women felt respected. They had time and energy and enthusiasm left over for such dedicated and thoughtful husbands.

* Investment Strategy #2: Women want their Mommy Brains turned off and their Womanly Brains turned on. Romantic attention shouldn't Romantic attention shouldn't just evaporate once you've bagged yourself that deer. just evaporate once you've bagged yourself that deer.

Wait a minute before you start groaning and saying, ”Great, more work- another day in the coal mine,” consider this: focusing on s.e.x is more work for your wife. Putting out, especially when she's not in the mood, requires serious effort on her part. Here's the effort you can expend for her. You say what you do around the house is never enough never enough. We can relate! We feel what we do in the bedroom is never enough never enough for you. for you.

Since no one, not even your harping, nagging wife, wants to talk about domestic c.r.a.p, let's save that one for later and start with the romance.

The R-Word ”The courts.h.i.+p ritual adds to your s.e.x life. I consciously set things up for us to do so I can be with my wife, the woman I fell in love with, away from the nightly a.s.sembly line of caring for the kids. I know some people hated dating and were really happy to get married. But I liked dating. I think a lot of that stuff adds to our relations.h.i.+p. We go out. We laugh. We have fun. And what do you know, when we come home, we generally wind up having s.e.x. You have to make time for each other.”

-Scott, married 8 years, 2 kids 150.

Remember on Happy Days Happy Days when Fonzie couldn't ever say the word when Fonzie couldn't ever say the word ”sorry?” ”I'm sssssz-z-z-z-z.” After they are married, lots of guys retire the word ”romance” from their active vocabulary. One woman, who gave up planning all the date nights, told us it took her husband a year and a a year and a half half to notice they hadn't gone out. Just because she's landed you and had her babies, she still wants to know that you find her attractive and that she's worth a little effort. to notice they hadn't gone out. Just because she's landed you and had her babies, she still wants to know that you find her attractive and that she's worth a little effort.