Part 10 (2/2)

When she's working hard, in the largely thankless and decidedly uns.e.xy roles of ”Mommy” and ”Employee,” she needs someone to remind her she is also ”Honey” and ”Gorgeous.” We're not talking surprise trips to Paris here (though don't rule them out!), but when you plan simple, thoughtful, fun things for the two of you, she feels special and appreciated. But when you don't don't make any effort, you send the message that you just don't care about her anymore, or that your relations.h.i.+p and her happiness are not all that important to you. make any effort, you send the message that you just don't care about her anymore, or that your relations.h.i.+p and her happiness are not all that important to you. She can feel rejected and neglected She can feel rejected and neglected just the way you do. just the way you do.

”My wife has been telling me for four years now that she wants me to plan dates and think of things for us to do together. Why didn't I ever do it? I'm not sure. Just didn't seem to matter to me who did the planning. I guess she sees it differently. I used to do it all the time when we were dating and before we had the kids. And I was pretty good at it, too. I'm finally starting to realize this is important to her.”

-Nick, married 7 years, 2 kids We Are Not a Math Equation Help us help you. With you, it's as easy as pus.h.i.+ng a b.u.t.ton. A fl ash of thigh and a strategically placed hand and you are in the mood. With us, it's like manning the controls of a 747. We need your help to transition from Mommy to Mistress. The old strategies like lighting the occasional candle or playing a Van Morrison CD just won't cut it anymore. It takes a lot more than a stick of incense to put a woman who has spent a sizable portion of her day herding two-year-olds ”in the mood.” We need to be put on notice. We need to start sloughing off the mantle of motherhood literally and figuratively hours before the main act. Unfortunately, we The ”s.e.x Life” of New Parents With you, it's as easy as pus.h.i.+ng a b.u.t.ton. A fl ash of thigh and a strategically placed hand and you are in the mood. With us, it's like manning the controls of a 747. We need your help to transition from Mommy to Mistress. The old strategies like lighting the occasional candle or playing a Van Morrison CD just won't cut it anymore. It takes a lot more than a stick of incense to put a woman who has spent a sizable portion of her day herding two-year-olds ”in the mood.” We need to be put on notice. We need to start sloughing off the mantle of motherhood literally and figuratively hours before the main act. Unfortunately, we The ”s.e.x Life” of New Parents 151.

need to be wooed and made ready. We need an hour to ourselves. When we have time to shave our legs, brush our teeth, and not worry about the bedlam outside the bedroom, we can more easily slip into lover mode.

A Cheat Sheet A little rusty in the romance department, huh? Been a while since you took her out to dinner? Here are some genuinely romantic gestures guys have told us they've made with very productive results (hint, hint): ”I take her on a date. Regularly. Not a married-with-children date, a real date like the ones in the early days when I laughed at everything she said, tried to get her drunk, and feigned interest in whatever book she was reading.”

”When it's been a while, I'll go rent a chick flick that I have no interest in watching, but I know she'll love it. Maybe it's just seeing all those hot actors, but I don't care because it usually has the intended effect on her.”

”I always write a card that's thoughtful . . . men almost never do this and women love it.”

”A full foot ma.s.sage might be the greatest gift a man can give a woman (at this point in her life). Under no circ.u.mstance should you suggest or ask for s.e.x afterward.”

”Hire a ma.s.sage therapist to come to your house as a surprise.”

”One day I woke up with the kids and left her a note that I took them for the day. She fl ipped.”

”Once on her birthday, I threw her a party with all her friends.

She'll tell you she doesn't want it, but trust me, she'll really love it. But you must organize and clean up.”

”I book the sitter sometimes. I figured you don't need some special code to talk to one. An occasional (or regular if you can afford it) sitter is one of, if not the, highest payoff investments in a marriage. Once, I even did it just for her to have time to herself. That blew her away!”

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”I tell her I think she's s.e.xy. And she is. She's smart. She's beautiful. I still feel like a lucky guy. Sometimes, she gets a look on her face like she doesn't believe me, but I know she still likes me to say it. How do I know? Because actions speak louder than words, baby.”

”We all need positive reinforcement, men especially. Fortunately for us, we generally get it in the office, at home, etc. Stay-at-home moms generally don't, which I hear can be devastating to their psyches. So I give her some. It makes her happy. And guess what? It's free to give and you get a great deal in return.”

Stop the Tap!

We hear you knocking, but you can't come in. Guys told us they'd tried so hard to explain to their wives what s.e.x means to them, but there is one form of communication they use that is highly ineffective. When you ”ask” not with words, but with the Ten O'Clock Shoulder Tap Ten O'Clock Shoulder Tap, and you keep ”asking,” over and over again, it's just not going to get you anywhere.

Women view that as a demanding gesture, not an unspoken expression of love and tenderness. Best to try to find some words for it, guys. Talk to her and ask with genuine interest how her day was. If you don't, you are reducing s.e.x to a purely physical act. Women don't like s.e.x to feel mechanical. (And they sure don't like it to feel like a command performance twenty-four hours after they said ”not tonight” last night!) Your wife is an intelligent, interesting woman who's still worth the wooing.

”Just Do It” for Men ”We absolutely split the domestic burden fi ftyfifty, because my wife works full-time, too. She tells me I can be the boss in the bedroom because I am also the boss in the kitchen. I do most of the cooking and most of the grocery shopping. I also do most of the cleaning. And I pick up the kids, and I take care of things when she is out of town on business trips. It's not a big deal.

And you know why? Because we still have s.e.x twice a week, that's why. But I also know from experience that if that balance The ”s.e.x Life” of New Parents 153.

slips beyond sixtyforty, so does the s.e.x. Sometimes the balance slips in her her favor and then I know what she means about being too tired to do it.” favor and then I know what she means about being too tired to do it.”

-Greg, married 10 years, 3 kids Of all the couples we spoke to, the ones where the man did two or more major household tasks on a regular basis were having more s.e.x. A lot more, in fact. What's more, the women were much more enthusiastic about it. Like our friend Susan, whose husband works from home and does much of the cooking for the family, and and the school run every day, who reported, ”Let's just say there's not a problem there, if you know what I mean.” h.e.l.lo? Does much of the cooking? Does the school run every day? Imagine that-she's got more energy and enthusiasm for s.e.x. the school run every day, who reported, ”Let's just say there's not a problem there, if you know what I mean.” h.e.l.lo? Does much of the cooking? Does the school run every day? Imagine that-she's got more energy and enthusiasm for s.e.x.

Of course, her husband is Swedish, but maybe those Swedes are on to something.

We've recommended that women embrace a ”Just Do It” approach to s.e.x. Being in the mood shouldn't always be a prerequisite for s.e.x. By the same token, men should take the same approach to some of that aforementioned domestic c.r.a.p that they've come to expect their wives to deal with. They're your kids, too. It's your house, too. Pitching in in the kitchen can pay off in the bedroom.

Redefi ne Foreplay Foreplay is now all about lightening your wife's load. Conserve her energy so that she has something left in the tank for you. Make the dinner.

Bathe the kids. Get up in the night every now and then. We know these things are not as much fun as blowing on the nape of her neck, but trust us, they are much more effective. It's the thought that counts. It's the thought that counts. Each time you take care of one of your wife's to-dos, Each time you take care of one of your wife's to-dos, especially without being asked especially without being asked, you make it easier for her to feel s.e.xy. The bottom line is: pitch in if you The bottom line is: pitch in if you want her to put out. want her to put out.

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”How Is That Att.i.tude Gonna Help You in the Bedroom, Buddy?”

When we suggest the New Definition of Foreplay to men as a strategy to land them in the sack more often, we can see them, even the ones who really do contribute in a substantial way, start to squirm and grimace.

Some men pride themselves on how little they do around the house.

One guy bragged that he's never changed a dirty diaper. Another guy told his wife, before they had kids, that he would never do any of the child care or housework, and they could have kids only if she agreed to that arrangement. Asking some men to do the dishes is like asking them to have a root ca.n.a.l. They balk. They whine. They start looking around for someone else to do it. And there are also men out there, who, when left on their own with the kids, complain about how hard it is, but then, when their wife comes home, tell her it was all a piece of cake.

We say to all these men, ”How is that att.i.tude gonna help you in the bedroom, buddy?” What's your end goal? Get over your big, bad manly self.

If your wife is making a serious effort to meet you in the bedroom with her bells on, then you can make a serious effort to meet her in the kitchen with an oven mitt. Those guys that marry Mommy are often startled to find she's suddenly not that into taking care of them them after she has children. after she has children.

Mommy's got a Brand New Baby, Honey. And Mommy's tired.

A Quick Word About Timing: Nighttime May Not Be the Right Time Don't underestimate the importance of timing. The end of the day may be perfect for some women. For most, it isn't. They are spent, in every way, and the thought of revving up when they want to settle down is part of the reason they get turned off. Some women told us they are much more interested in s.e.x first thing in the morning when they are not yet in Mommy Mode, before intrusive thoughts of the number of bananas in the house and permissions slips for field trips start making their way into her head. She might even be coming out of a particularly interesting dream. Try setting the alarm a half hour early. Others like a The ”s.e.x Life” of New Parents 155.

little Sat.u.r.day afternoon delight when the kids are hanging out with the electronic babysitter. One friend even reported she likes her husband to wake her up in the middle of the night. (To each his own, but maybe ask your wife before you try this last approach. Interrupting her precious sleep might get you nothing but a fat lip.) ”What's the bottom line? Remember how things were and how you treated one another in those first few months of dating.

It's impossible to replicate (and hold down a job, and raise children, etc.) but not that hard to approximate.”

-Josh, married 8 years, 3 kids Same Story, Same Planet Here's how that scene with Kevin and Janet could have played out with a few minor rewrites: Kevin: ”I was thinking about Janet on the flight home. I've been traveling a lot lately and we haven't seen much of each other.

And, of course, I'm wondering if she'll be in the mood later on- after all, it's been eight days, five hours, and twenty-eight minutes since we last had s.e.x. When I got home, she gave me a big hug so I started feeling optimistic. But I hadn't even gotten my tie off when she starts laying into me with my 'a.s.signments': 'Can you get the kids bathed? Did you remember to call the bank? Did you pick up the dry cleaning? Not the best 'welcome home' she could have given me, but she looked wiped out so I just herded the kids upstairs and got to it.”

Janet: ”I was so glad when Kevin got home. Finally, some relief!

He took the kids upstairs to do Bed Bath & Beyond while I started cleaning up dinner. I heard them laughing and running around up there, and thought 'oh, screw the dishes,' and went to join in the fun.”

Kevin: ”So I'm playing with the kids and Janet comes in. She puts her arms around me and says, 'You're a fantastic Dad and I love you.' I felt like a million bucks. I had a c.r.a.ppy day at work.

This is what makes it all worthwhile. Later I'm waiting in bed.

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She finally arrives. It's like, 'Ah, my woman is here!' But she had something sticky in her hair.”

Janet: ”Joey wet his new big-boy underpants as soon as I got him into bed, and the baby vomited on me-yet again-after his bedtime bottle. After cleaning up all that c.r.a.p, I didn't even have the energy to change my puke-stained s.h.i.+rt. I finally sink into bed and Kevin starts cracking up. He says, 'Hey Honey, you're beautiful-but what's that stuff in your hair?' I know its regurgitated formula, and I don't feel very beautiful, but I loved hearing him say that anyway. And I loved that he could help me laugh after a day like this. He reached over, but I stopped him before the launch sequence was activated. 'I know it's been a while. Can we please, please, please wait till morning? What time is your fl ight? OK, it's a date. Set the alarm.' I curled up next to him, which I have to admit I haven't done in a while, and it felt pretty good.”

Kevin: ”Well, it's not perfect, but hey, it's worth it. Wonder if I can bring her with me to Phoenix next time. No need for Spank-aVision. Ooh, or maybe she'd even watch it with me . . . Bow chicka wow wow. . . .”

F I V E.

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