Part 9 (1/2)
Mommy Mode It's not just about being too tired, though. For women, getting in the mood for s.e.x is not so much a question of switching gears as switching ident.i.ties. Going from Mommy Mode Mommy Mode to lover mode doesn't happen with the flick of a switch. It is hard to feel s.e.xy with a toddler hanging on your leg and that d.a.m.n Barney song running incessantly through your head. to lover mode doesn't happen with the flick of a switch. It is hard to feel s.e.xy with a toddler hanging on your leg and that d.a.m.n Barney song running incessantly through your head.
We can't enjoy s.e.x while we're in Mommy Mode. Our minds are so clut-tered with work obligations, schedules, carpooling logistics, a toddler's troubling cough, and summer camp options that there is no mental mental room for s.e.x. We're thinking about what to pack for the kids' lunches while our husbands are thinking about other things. And nothing kills the mood quite like a tiny voice at your bedroom door calling, ”Mommy, where's my Build-a-Bear?” room for s.e.x. We're thinking about what to pack for the kids' lunches while our husbands are thinking about other things. And nothing kills the mood quite like a tiny voice at your bedroom door calling, ”Mommy, where's my Build-a-Bear?”
The Physicality of Children Besides the constant mental reminders of motherhood, there are the physical ones as well. From the moment of conception, and more so during the baby and toddler stages, a woman's body is no longer her own.
This takes some getting used to, and it can be a signifi cant deterrent to her desire for s.e.x. Once we have a baby, we don't have our bodies to ourselves again until the children are well into elementary school. As Marianne put it, ”The shower is my only haven. It's the only place where no one is touching me.” Stacie has commented, ”My body is the family jungle gym-my kids and my husband want to crawl all over me.” With a grimace on her face, our friend Anne said: ”OK, here's the truth, and it's going to sound gross, but that's kind of the point. I've got one kid chewing at my b.r.e.a.s.t.s. I have another one, who weighs thirty-two pounds, who wants to be held whenever he sees me. I have a ten-inch scar across my abdomen from two C-sections that throbs when I'm tired, which is always. And then I have this husband, who weighs 232 pounds, who wants to chew at my b.r.e.a.s.t.s and be held all night.
I never have my body to myself.”
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Many women also commented that being touched by their children satisfied their basic need for physical contact, so s.e.x with their husbands was not something they craved. When your kids are mauling you at every opportunity, you want your husband to keep his hands to himself at night.
The ICK Factor Here's another thing women really want to explain to men, and since there's no ladylike way around it, we're just going to roll up our sleeves and get mucky.
Motherhood is a soggy business. Women are, for most of the years that our children are small, awash in a sea of bodily fluids and slimy baby food. We are exposed, daily, to the full battery of nature's most dis-gusting gross-out tricks that would give any good horror flick a run for its money: vomit, drool, p.o.o.p, breast milk, snot, pee, you name it (if we haven't already). G.o.d forbid if you also own a pet. It's hard to feel s.e.xy after just one hour in the Trenches of Muck Trenches of Muck. Even harder to get in the mood when we know that having s.e.x with you tonight can land us right back in those trenches nine months from now.
After dealing with all that mess, we want to avoid another mess- yours. Let's say (just for kicks) that we have s.e.x with you on Tuesday night. Then on Thursday, as we are cleaning the Gerber's Level 2 Turkey Dinner vomit off our s.h.i.+rt (which might also have breast milk stains on it) . . . here comes that small reminder of our Tuesday session. It's just one more mess for us to clean up. It's a ”gift that keeps on giving.”
You Want to Have s.e.x with Meeeeee?
”I don't just have a double chin anymore. Now I have a double a.s.s, too!”
-Vicki, married 5 years, 2 kids ”What happened to my b.r.e.a.s.t.s? They are two different sizes, they sag like shriveled-up grapes, and they point in different directions!”
-Sally, married 4 years, 1 kid The ”s.e.x Life” of New Parents 131.
Despite the best efforts of marketers to tell us that motherhood is s.e.xy, we know that is total B.S. Many of us never regain our pre-baby fi gures and consequently we feel less s.e.xy and attractive. Body image is a huge issue for women. When we don't feel attractive, we don't want to get naked. To be honest, sometimes, we're truly amazed you still want to have s.e.x with us.
It's His Fault: What Her Husband Doesn't Understand It's not that we women make a deliberate decision to cut back or even eliminate s.e.x from our lives; it just drops off the radar. We're either too busy or too tired to care.
The Wifely Duty ”Let's see . . . what to do today? Presentation for next week.
Towels to fold. What's for dinner? Make macaroni and cheese.
Make brownies for school bake sale. Jamie has a dentist appointment at lunch. Playdate for Sarah. Hmmm. I know I'm forgetting something . . . ”
-Mich.e.l.le, married 7 years, 2 kids The bottom line, guys, is that s.e.x often feels like one more domestic burden. s.e.x is not something we do for ourselves. We do it for you. If we wanted to do something for ourselves, we would get a ma.s.sage, watch a movie, or take a long, hot shower. s.e.x just isn't on our wish list. Actually, most of the time it doesn't even make it on our to-do list.
When we've spent the entire day working and taking care of others'
needs, the last thing we want to do is attend to the ”needs” of someone who is big enough to take care of himself. To Cathy, s.e.x became just another box to check before she could get some time to herself. Julia thought, ”Why is he being such a baby about this?” Stacie thought, ”You're complaining about not having enough s.e.x when I haven't slept slept in three months!” The ”experts” tell us we shouldn't bring petty resent-ments into the bedroom. Easier said than done. in three months!” The ”experts” tell us we shouldn't bring petty resent-ments into the bedroom. Easier said than done.
When a man's idea of ”contributing” is to announce, from his p.r.o.ne [image]
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position on the couch, that a diaper needs changing, we so so don't feel like reporting for duty. Does the following sound familiar? You get home from work, spend about fifteen minutes with the kids, then watch TV don't feel like reporting for duty. Does the following sound familiar? You get home from work, spend about fifteen minutes with the kids, then watch TV in the den while we are on our knees cleaning up toys on the fl oor and was.h.i.+ng the dishes. You engage in-maybe-a ten-minute conversation, and then, when its lights-out time, you ask if we are in the mood? If we've picked up your underpants on our way to bed, along with that dirty diaper in the hallway, are we in the mood? h.e.l.l no.
Run, Rabbit, Run!
Rabbits in a Cage Mothers of small kids, whether they work or not, often feel that their sense of self is consumed by the roles of cook, chauffeur, cleaner, and toddler entertainer. When s.e.x is added to the list of things that others demand from us, we start to resent it. We start to feel like a rabbit in a cage-a rabbit that is being pursued by an overs.e.xed male rabbit. When a husband's idea of foreplay is to use openers like ”Hey, it's been a while . . .”
or to say nothing and just give us the Ten O'Clock Shoulder Tap Ten O'Clock Shoulder Tap, we want to run. We've already established that men feel close and connected to their wives after after they have s.e.x, but for women, the connection has to they have s.e.x, but for women, the connection has to precede precede the act. When a husband doesn't engage in any form of intimacy, the act. When a husband doesn't engage in any form of intimacy, [image]
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such as talking or cuddling, and simply expects to have s.e.x, it makes a girl feel like an animal. You can't expect married s.e.x to always be a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am affair.
”You know what I feel like when I get that intrusive hand on my thigh with not a word, not a hug, not a single acknowledgment that I am anything other than convenient convenient? When he does that, it does not feel like a quiet act of intimacy, which I know is what he thinks it is. What it feels like is that he's plugging me into an electric marquee sign that blinks, 'Bad Wife. Bad Wife.
Bad Wife,' over and over again. That hand screams at me that he feels neglected. But when he approaches s.e.x that way, I feel neglected, too.”
-Ellen, married 9 years, 2 kids The Ten O'clock Shoulder Tap The Hourgla.s.s Effect You also can't discount The Hourgla.s.s Effect The Hourgla.s.s Effect that many women have described to us. If a woman says no to a request for s.e.x, her husband makes it very clear that she needs to ”make up for it” within a certain, usually twenty-four-hour, time period in order to prevent hurt feelings and that many women have described to us. If a woman says no to a request for s.e.x, her husband makes it very clear that she needs to ”make up for it” within a certain, usually twenty-four-hour, time period in order to prevent hurt feelings and [image]
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grouchy behavior. As Katherine described it, ”It's like the hourgla.s.s gets turned over from the minute I say no. The whole next day, I can hear the clock ticking. Tick. Tick. Tick. I have this sense of obligation obligation. A fate I can't escape. I don't look forward to it, as you can imagine. I feel really resentful. I just try to relax and have a gla.s.s of wine before he comes home.”
Not exactly a strategy that will warm your wife up to a night of nooky.
What it does do is leave her feeling colder than she did before.
The Hourgla.s.s Effect I Want to Be Seduced: The Reverse Bait and Switch When a man and woman start dating, and even after they are married, they put their best foot forward for each other. The woman makes a con-certed effort to look great and listens rapturously to everything the man says. The man is extremely attentive, listens carefully, calls regularly, takes care when planning dates to make sure she will enjoy herself. But once the kids appear, the When a man and woman start dating, and even after they are married, they put their best foot forward for each other. The woman makes a con-certed effort to look great and listens rapturously to everything the man says. The man is extremely attentive, listens carefully, calls regularly, takes care when planning dates to make sure she will enjoy herself. But once the kids appear, the Reverse Bait and Switch Reverse Bait and Switch can happen. can happen.
The ”s.e.x Life” of New Parents 135.
We women know we don't put out as much as we used to-but men, you don't put in as much as you once did either. don't put in as much as you once did either. There was a time when you wouldn't have dreamed of making a move without taking your wife out for dinner and making her laugh fi rst. When you think that an a.s.s grab or a shoulder tap are all that it takes to get s.e.x, like Janet in our opening story, we feel like a 7-Eleven, open for business at your convenience. There was a time when you wouldn't have dreamed of making a move without taking your wife out for dinner and making her laugh fi rst. When you think that an a.s.s grab or a shoulder tap are all that it takes to get s.e.x, like Janet in our opening story, we feel like a 7-Eleven, open for business at your convenience.
We want to be wooed. We want to be pursued. That desire to feel attractive doesn't go away just because we've finally reeled in a man. We need you to show us you love us before you make a move-that you are looking for more than a warm body with a pulse. We just want a little romance, not a paw on the shoulder.
S O LUTI O N S FO R BOTH.
Don't Die With a Bowl Full of Jellybeans ”My accountant told me that before you have kids, put a jellybean in a jar every time you have s.e.x. Then after you have kids, take out one jellybean every time you have s.e.x. You will die with a bowl full of jellybeans.”
-Saul, married 5 years, 1 child Bridging the Gap As bleak and insurmountable as the s.e.xual abyss may seem at times- and we all know it can feel that way, to both the men who worry that their s.e.x life is effectively over, and to the women who secretly wish that it was- it is possible to emerge on the other side of these challenging preschool years with your s.e.x life more or less intact. it is possible to emerge on the other side of these challenging preschool years with your s.e.x life more or less intact. For women, this means making a concentrated effort toward improving your s.e.x life. For men, this means pitching in domestically, giving your wife some time to gear up, and bringing back a taste of the hunt. For women, this means making a concentrated effort toward improving your s.e.x life. For men, this means pitching in domestically, giving your wife some time to gear up, and bringing back a taste of the hunt.
”If you're telling me s.e.x is what I have to do to keep my marriage intact, fine. I'm willing to listen. I love my husband and I want him to be happy and I want our relations.h.i.+p to be better. But 136 136 there has to be more to it than either that old-fas.h.i.+oned 'wifely duty' way of thinking, or him just rolling over because I'm there in the bed. I was an independent, fully-evolved human being before we got married and had kids. It's not like that's just evaporated. I want to want s.e.x again, but for myself as well as for him.”
-Laurie, married 9 years, 3 kids ”Tell me what I have to do. Please! I don't know how to talk to her about it anymore. I don't know how to get her to listen.
What can I do? Make me a list! I'm begging you. I'll do anything.”
-Anthony, married 8 years, 2 kids When to Talk and How to Talk One of the goals of this book is to get you talking to each other. When and how you talk is just as important as what you talk about. Is there ever a right time for a husband to tell his wife that he is not getting enough, or for a wife to tell her husband that he is not doing enough? There is definitely a wrong time: 11:00 p.m. on a Tuesday when you've just argued about who should put the trash out, or 11:10 p.m. on a Tuesday when the husband's ”paw” is firmly returned to his side of the bed. It should be somewhat obvious that this conversation should start on a date night, or a weekend away when you're feeling loving toward each other and the daily stresses are not weighing you down. If you're not sure how to start talking, hand this book to your spouse and say, ”What do you think?”
One caveat here: if communication, or lack thereof, is so bad already, then forget about the talking and take action immediately take action immediately. Men, try broadening your definition of foreplay, and women, try implementing the Five-Minute Fix Five-Minute Fix. See below for details. After a few weeks you will likely find that your other half is a lot more receptive to whatever it is you want to say.
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Tried and True and Easy to Do There's also a whole host of little things that actually mean a lot. Some of them are absolutely free; others require a babysitter and a hotel room (not together).